Help with Crazy FMIL

jmfhokie

i love my fiance!  And we both now have stable full-time jobs in our industries with healthcare and everything (finally-4 years out of undergrad, 2 years after we both finished our graduate school programs, and 6 years of dating later).  We got engaged last summer and were hoping to get married next year, however, my fiance's mom is now saying that she thinks we are moving too fast; she thinks my job should be closer to his (we are hoping to live in queens or so, since his job is where he is from on long island, and mine is out here in central jersey, and we could each do a reverse commute); and she thinks we should push the wedding back a few more years.  My fiance tells me this last week and for some reason, he is aligned with her and is hoping to move our wedding back to 2015.  I told him it breaks my heart, because by then it will be 8 years of us dating when we finally get married, and that if we keep waiting, there will always be an excuse and our happiness and excitement to be together will never be allowed if we keep waiting to satisfy everyone else's wishes.  I don't know what to do-I'm thinking of breaking off the engagement this weekend and telling him that 2015 is far too long of dating (and it would end up being a 3 year engagement!) and that, despite my love for him, I am marrying him, not his mom.

Why is this happening to me?  Most of my friends who have gotten married, my family, and others I know of don't have this problem with their FMIL.  She even had the movie "Monster in Law" on last weekend when we were visiting, and his other brother was trying to stoke the fire and make cracks.  What do I do??????

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-with-crazy-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ce9a6fdc-f210-42e8-987b-614697613639Post:85ade130-58ec-4a64-9c07-576d9c2006fe">Help with Crazy FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]i love my fiance!  And we both now have stable full-time jobs in our industries with healthcare and everything (finally-4 years out of undergrad, 2 years after we both finished our graduate school programs, and 6 years of dating later).  We got engaged last summer and were hoping to get married next year, however, my fiance's mom is now saying that she thinks we are moving too fast; she thinks my job should be closer to his (we are hoping to live in queens or so, since his job is where he is from on long island, and mine is out here in central jersey, and we could each do a reverse commute); and she thinks we should push the wedding back a few more years.  <strong>My fiance tells me this last week and for some reason, he is aligned with her :( and is hoping to move our wedding back to 2015. </strong> I told him it breaks my heart, because by then it will be 8 years of us dating when we finally get married, and that if we keep waiting, there will always be an excuse and our happiness and excitement to be together will never be allowed if we keep waiting to satisfy everyone else's wishes.  I don't know what to do<strong>-I'm thinking of breaking off the engagement this weekend and telling him that 2015 is far too long of dating (and it would end up being a 3 year engagement!) and that, despite my love for him, I am marrying him, not his mom.</strong> Why is this happening to me?  Most of my friends who have gotten married, my family, and others I know of don't have this problem with their FMIL.  She even had the movie "Monster in Law" on last weekend when we were visiting, and his other brother was trying to stoke the fire and make cracks.  What do I do??????
Posted by jmfhokie[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>you don't have a FMIL problem, you have a FI problem. </div><div>
</div><div>it sounds like he is too much of a mama's boy to stand up for what he wants  - or if he was already having those thoughts before she discussed with him, then he should have communicated with you. </div><div>
</div><div>are there other instances in the ~6 years you have been together that you have seen FMIL influence your FI to her way of thinking? If this is the case, i think your consideration to break off the engagement is a sound one. </div><div>
</div><div>if you really do wish to marry the guy and give him another chance, i think you need to sit down with a neutral 3rd party (counselor, etc.) and discuss your communication issues, and facing decisions as a couple rather than a threesome</div><div>
</div>

crosswordnerd

I agree with Barbie. I am having a year and a half long engagement and some people have said that is too long (though it does work for us as a couple). 18 months is one thing, 3 years is completely different. If you were young and not on your feet yet 3 years might make more sense. You both are old enough to have been through school and gotten good jobs. If your fiance is not on board with standing up to mommy, you can bet that whether this wedding takes place tomorrow, 3 years from now, or in 20 years mommy will be the one pulling the strings. It can be really hard even in the best relationships to talk to each other about parents. A counselor might help diffuse the situation and help the two of you decide what is best for your own future. Your fiance might feel corned by picking sides. This is why a counselor is a good idea. Just don't let his mother come to the appointment!

DG1

They are both right, of course, but I'm curious about what her logic is. What if you magically got jobs in the same place next week? Would it be OK then? (And why the hell does YOUR job need to be closer to HIS?! Maybe he needs to start sending out resumes in Jersey.) Why is 6 years not long enough?

6 years of dating feels like a lot when you're at this end of it. And it is a lot. But it is a LOT less than 30-40 years of being married to someone who lets his mother make all of his decisions, and to be tied to a person who apparently dislikes you tremendously. Are you planning to have children? If so, expect to see this play out exactly the same way when that happens - she'll push for her own agenda on timing, naming, feeding, childcare, parenting style - the whole bit. And he will just say, "ok, mom." Are you SURE you're OK with that?

ETA: His brother sounds like a gem, too. I see a lot of miserable holiday dinners in your future.

Heffalump

I don't know your FI, I'm just throwing this out there:  is it possible that he's using his mother as an excuse here?  Because if my mother had told me that DH and I were moving too fast, I would have shrugged it off, not raised the issue with my then-FI, let alone acted on it.  Which makes me think that this is him talking, more than his mom.

Either that or he's a mama's boy as Barbie suggested, in which case this is bad news--get used to letting your MIL run your life and/or cause chronic arguments between you and FI.

Since you asked, personally, I'd lay an ultimatum on him:  enough is enough, either he wants to do this or he doesn't.  Either way, you'll have your answer.  And as sad as it will be if his answer is "never," better to find out sooner rather than later. 

dharmabunny

In Response to Re:Help with Crazy FMIL:[QUOTE]I don't know your FI, I'm just throwing this out there:nbsp; is it possible that he's using his mother as an excuse here?nbsp; Because if my mother had told me that DH and I were moving too fast, I would have shrugged it off, not raised the issue with my thenFI, let alone acted on it.nbsp; Which makes me think that this is him talking, more than his mom.nbsp; Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]

I'm more convinced of this than anything mama's boy or doing the best for career tracking. Whether he has doubts and is freaking out or is easing into breaking it off entirely IDK. I'm not normally an ultimatum proponent, but I don't think forcing his hand, good or bad, is a bad idea.

MuppetOverlord

My FMIL is crazy and heavily opinionated.. I can't tell you how many times he'd come home from a conversation with her and suddenly we were fighting because she didn't approve of a decision he and I made togeher about our own lives. She would scold him like a child and tell him what he needed to do to resolve this situation. If we fought it out and came back to the same conclusion, she'd come over and yell at me!

It was disrupting our lives terribly and right after we got engaged last year, it got seriously awful. Long story short, I told him to continue in a relationship with me, he needed to choose to honor our relationship and the decisions we make together, leaving her out of the process. I was dead serious and I would've ended our relationship.

If this is a trend for you, then you need to address it before you get married because it will not get better.  But like other posters, I wonder if this is her being controlling, or if he truly feels this way. If he does, and you're unwilling to wait longer, I want you to know that it is perfectly okay and justified for you to feel that way and to leave the relationship if you need to.

I have seen a lot of unhappy people (and I've been one of them) who remain with someone because of the investment of their time and emotion that they've made with them, even though the course of their desires and lives run in contrast.

Have the conversation with him, find out what he truly wants (regardless of his mother) and make a decision for your happiness.

jmfhokie

Hey everyone-I just wanted to let you know that, after letting it bother me and stew up inside, I was calm and spoke to him about it on the phone at length last Friday after work.  He was understanding, and even though he acknowledged that yes, while his Mom does feel we could wait until 2015 or 2016, and he also felt swayed in that he wants to further prepare financially, he saw how unhappy I was and we met together this weekend to talk about it (being somewhat long distance-he's east of NYC on Long Island, and I'm west in NJ).  On Saturday we went over everything together and I told him that I would be leaving the relationship if he wanted to wait longer than next year, our original plan, as I felt that he should want to marry me and be excited about it, not be blackmailed into it, and if waited until 2015 or later, he would probably have other conditions besides financial reasons and that marriage should come naturally and that no time is perfect and I would be sad for the rest of my life without him.  And he responded that he didn't want to lose me and couldn't see his life without me in it (and I to him), and he got very sad and said he would marry me that day or next year.  

So we've decided we will get married, and we're looking to also move in together this summer (as we both realized our parents' wishes are tearing us apart and that, being in an adult relationship, we should be able to move in together and have autonomy, even though we could continue to save more money by living at home).  That is my sort of compromise, but also I mentioned that we should meet regularly with a financial planner, and invest in some mutual funds/stocks (some of which, he already has, but I work in the financial services industry and it seems mutual funds have the best return right now, as opposed to bonds or CDs).  We'll also ultimately settle closer to his family on Long Island in a few years, though for now we're looking to be in Queens or Brooklyn so we can do reverse commutes (it's going to be rough, but my office has some people who come from pretty far, and I think it would make us less insane if we choose to physicaly be together and plan the wedding together).

We talked about things we both want and envision for our future together and we want to stay together.  We need to stop sharing what our parents say about one another and stay focused on why we started dating in the first place and the aspects we love and cherish about each other.  We both can't imagine our lives without one another.

Since this weekend, we've worked over the phone picking out some engagement photographers in the NY area together and he's called them and we're looking to move forward on that end soon.  Also, we picked a few potential venues out (after deciding that we really don't want a fancy, formal, traditional Catholic wedding in a church, with engraved invitations, as my Mom prefers and keeps insisting upon) and we've corresponded with some of them.  We have an appointment for the weekend following next to taste test and tour one of our favorite restaurants in Brooklyn (Roberta's-in East Williamsburg-amazing gourmet pizza and they do awesome catering! http://www.robertaspizza.com/).  We've set the budget and decided we'll pay for most or all of it.  

And we talked to our sets of parents on Sunday evening...yes as you can imagine, my Mom was distraught, saying that the wedding should be planned by us together as Mom/Daughter, and then she is upset I probably can't wear her formal gown (I love her gown and had wanted to wear it, but as we aren't looking for the kind of Catholic wedding she and Dad had, I don't know if it's really going to work).  I'll try to involve her with a lot of the planning, hopefully she doesn't get upset even further with the choices...but she seemed really bummed out and I asked why a Catholic wedding matters so much to her, as that was her and Dad's wedding 30 years ago, and this is ours...plus, even though Chris and I were raised Catholic, we haven't really regularly attended mass.  (Sometimes I go with Mom, depending, but in college I went to different services and really liked a Unitarian Universalist church).  And Chris' family doesn't understand why we wouldn't marry in a Catholic church-they just kept saying to him, it's what you are supposed to do, why question it?  So that religious ceremony option another issue entirely I know.  Chris' Mom is still upset with us for choosing to get married, but he says he stood up to her and maybe with time, things will get better.  He now respects my wishes to please not share with me how or what his Mom says to him-he will filter it out so as not to hurt me in future conversations. 

Unrealted, but I also just wanted to thank the knot for the aplomb and awesomeness of a former knot editor, Justine, who has a blog I've been following: http://stopmeifyouveheardthisone.com/ and is recently married herself.  She and I met up a few weeks ago in the city, mainly to discuss career-related things, but I also eventually asked her wedding planning/family questions, and she was very helpful and kind.  (Also, it was her idea to meet up-she was very nice to suggest that!).  And her point was: yes the wedding and everything is important, but the whole idea is you end up married to each other at the end of it, and if you enjoy it no matter if a bird poops on your dress (as happened to her), then your guests and everyone will, too!  Your mood sets the day.  

Thank you again to all of you for reading my post and for your suggestions and advice, and listening to me.  I really appreciate it.  And congrats/best of luck to you too in your married lives!