How to tell parents that they need to pitch in?

tinylittlebird

FI and I knew going into our wedding that we would be paying for the bulk of it, as my parents aren't great with their money and are always in debt. Even before getting engaged, my mother informed me that they wouldn't be able to help much.

Well, fast forward to us planning our wedding. We're on a VERY tight budget (about $7,000) and my parents haven't offered to help with ANYTHING! Not even to help buy my dress. My FI's parents, on the other hand, have offered so much- his mom offered us $2,000, and his dad offered us around 1 to 2,000 (they're saving up) plus the use of some points he earns through work to send us on our honeymoon almost for free. 

I never expected them to offer that much, and I'm extremely grateful that they have, but I can tell that both his mom, dad, and step-mom are a bit annoyed when they hear that my parents haven't offered anything, especially when they waste money on things they don't need. 

I just feel like I need to confront my parents and let them know it bothers me, but I don't know how without hurting feelings.

baconsmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_tell-parents-need-pitch?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:cf96ca90-5ae5-4a15-bd03-f0d15372e10dPost:fbe7577f-aa85-44ce-8c32-04e9e3564af6">How to tell parents that they need to pitch in?</a>:
[QUOTE]FI and I knew going into our wedding that we would be paying for the bulk of it, as my parents aren't great with their money and are always in debt. Even before getting engaged, my mother informed me that they wouldn't be able to help much. Well, fast forward to us planning our wedding. We're on a VERY tight budget (about $7,000) and my parents haven't offered to help with ANYTHING! Not even to help buy my dress. My FI's parents, on the other hand, have offered so much- his mom offered us $2,000, and his dad offered us around 1 to 2,000 (they're saving up) plus the use of some points he earns through work to send us on our honeymoon almost for free.  I never expected them to offer that much, and I'm extremely grateful that they have, but I can tell that both his mom, dad, and step-mom are a bit annoyed when they hear that my parents haven't offered anything, especially when they waste money on things they don't need.  I just feel like I need to confront my parents and let them know it bothers me, but I don't know how without hurting feelings.
Posted by tinylittlebird[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You cannot tell other people how to spend their money. Ever. No, not even your parents. End of story.</div><div>
</div><div>Have the wedding you can afford. You are not responsible for your in-laws' feelings. 

</div>

qwerty777

You should never expect anything from either set of parents. Plan the wedding you can afford, assuming no one helps you. Even though they've promised the money to you, don't count on it until the check is cashed and in the bank.

Also, why the hell is it your FIL's business what your parents are giving? If I were your parents and I found out about that, I wouldn't give you a penny.

tinylittlebird

Perhaps I should rephrase-

I'm not planning to ask my parents to chip in several thousands of dollars. I'm not a selfish person, and my parents haven't paid for anything for me in years. Not even books for college. The thing is, they have spent thousands of dollars on things they do not need (big screen tv's, 2 cars for my sister, a nasty smoking habit, etc) and will then turn around and tell me that they can't afford $200 for a christmas present for me or to chip in anything for the wedding. 

I'm not trying to be selfish, i've grown to not expect anything from them. However, I would appreciate some contribution of ANY kind, monitory or non-monitary. The most they've offered thus far is criticism on how much I want to spend on my dress. 

lisaD26

Just say "Mom! I want you to sell your TV and pay for EVERYONE to drink at my wedding! Do it NOW"

but!!!


make sure you say please.

Tinylittlebird, it's time to be a big bird now. You're getting married! Life will be full of disappointment if you continue to expect your parents to pay for things. I think it's great that your FIL's are helping you, amazing. But your parents don't want to, and might NOT be able to. Just love them and let their love for you be enough.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_tell-parents-need-pitch?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:cf96ca90-5ae5-4a15-bd03-f0d15372e10dPost:3b008355-4e6f-42e5-ac5c-12353da58b34">Re: How to tell parents that they need to pitch in?</a>:
[QUOTE]Perhaps I should rephrase- I'm not planning to ask my parents to chip in several thousands of dollars. I'm not a selfish person, and my parents haven't paid for anything for me in years. Not even books for college. The thing is, they have spent thousands of dollars on things they do not need (big screen tv's, 2 cars for my sister, a nasty smoking habit, etc) and will then turn around and tell me that they can't afford $200 for a christmas present for me or to chip in anything for the wedding.  I'm not trying to be selfish, i've grown to not expect anything from them. However, I would appreciate some contribution of ANY kind, monitory or non-monitary. The most they've offered thus far is criticism on how much I want to spend on my dress. 
Posted by tinylittlebird[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry but you still sound selfish.  It's none of your business what your parents choose to spend THEIR money on, and they are not obligated to contribute, even to help you pay for your dress.  They also aren't obligated to buy you $200 Christmas presents (seriously?).  There is absolutely no way to tell them you expect them to contribute to your wedding without being horribly rude.

And, what anybody chooses to contribute should be a private matter, so there is no reason your FILs should know whether or not your parents are helping with the costs.

6fsn

You should not ask them for money.  It is none of your business how your parents spend their money.  Unless you are their gaurdian for some reason it's none of your business.  You may think the TVs are frivlolous, bot at least they will get used for more than one day.

Agreed wholeheartedly with qwerty, the fIL's have no right or reason to know what your parents are paying for.  I also agree that you shouldn't spend the money/points that the fILs are saving until you get it.

If you really are just wanting emotional support or whatever non-monitary support, speak up.  "Mom I would love if you went dress shopping with me."  Or help me pick out flowers, food, whatever might be fun for her. 

skippylouwho

Did you earn their money?
Are you an adult?

If the answers are: no and yes - then you don't tell them how to spend what they've earned and you don't ask them for money for your wedding.

Do you want them telling you how to spend your money?

If they want to give you money, they will.

GBCK

why the hell are you discussing your parent's contribution (or lack therof) with other people?

And with your update?  you still sound greedy.  It' is THEIR MONEY />  They earned it.  They get to decide whether or not to spend it on their greedy daughter's wedding.  It would be an absolute bi1tch move to tell them that, as you said 'they need to pitch in'--no they don't, it's YOUR party, youpay for it.

Butter Cookie

Let me put it to you this way, tiny: Your parents have consistently not been there for you financially.

Yet you're putting eggs in a basket with a giant hole in it - that basket being your expectation that they will help you financially with this.

Do you see the problem?

You can't change your parents. You can't change what they spend their money on. You don't get to decide what they choose to care about and put effort into.

Sloane99

I ditto all the PP in regards to your parents money being their business. Please do not confront your parents about anything.

I am curious about your FILs though, are they offering money with an expectation and/or condition that your parents are doing the same, or are you just reading into the situation? They seem quite generous and I would definitely be very thankful to them but they actually don't have the right to be annoyed either. They've made a contribution that's a 100% free will kind of choice and they certainly don't get to hold it over anyone's heads, especially when you have no control over your parents financial choices.

tawillers

1.  You cannot control how your parents spend their money.  If they wanted to contribute to your wedding, they would have let you know.

2.  Quit telling your future in-laws about your parents' lack of contribution.  It's not their business.  That's pretty tacky.



Also, why do people keep posting about how their parent(s) have never been there for them, but OMG why won't they help with their wedding?!?!!?!  I don't understand why this is so shocking.  Realize the patterns, people.

AutumnFair

You might be hurt that your parent's blow their money on certain stuff and not on you. But can you understand how the expectation of "they are blowing their money on themselves/others and not me" sounds pretty immature. It's their money and they can do with it as they please. My parents didn't pay for my college books, I knew that since I was grown up I need to start becoming independent and getting a job to pay for college. So they are not responsible for paying for your wedding, that is you and your FI job. 

What you do is cut down either be it by guest list, certain things like flowers, etc or having it on less busy wedding dates like Sundays, winter months. If your parent's complain about certain wedding things, then you can say "well, we are planning within our budget, so we are sorry we can't invite 2nd cousin Jane". Please don't lay on the guilt trip to your parent's because you are upset that they won't offer anything. And definitely stop discussing to you FILs that they aren't contributing, its definitely not their business. 

redheadfsu

No one owes you money for your wedding. Do not ask. You should not whine about not getting money from anyone for your wedding. That is very spoiled brat like. You are only making matters worse. You can include your parents, just ask for their ideas not their money.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_tell-parents-need-pitch?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:cf96ca90-5ae5-4a15-bd03-f0d15372e10dPost:1be1d2c9-8224-4256-8492-15abfb74d77a">Re: How to tell parents that they need to pitch in?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to tell parents that they need to pitch in? : I'm sorry but you still sound selfish.  I<strong>t's none of your business what your parents choose to spend THEIR money on, and they are not obligated to contribute, even to help you pay for your dress.</strong>  They also aren't obligated to buy you $200 Christmas presents (seriously?).  There is absolutely no way to tell them you expect them to contribute to your wedding without being horribly rude. And, what anybody chooses to contribute should be a private matter, so there is no reason your FILs should know whether or not your parents are helping with the costs.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

This exactly. While it may suck, your parents are not obligated to pay for your wedding. Plan and host the wedding you can afford. If not, you will have to cut back some. My parents didn't do or pay for a damn thing, DH paid for and did more than my parents. And DH parents aren't as well off as mine. I am not bragging here, I am just trying to get point across. Trust me, it will feel good afterwards when you can say you paid for your wedding yourselves, I know we feel good.

tinylittlebird

Thank you for the opinions. I think I should say now that it's not like I was expecting them to contribute- This is really more FI's fight than mine. He feels that they're taking advantage of the situation, throwing around their opinions b/c they're the family of the bride but refusing to contribute, both financially and non-financially. 

I didn't mean to sound selfish, I was simply trying to explain why FI was upset about everything. I really hadn't planned to talk to them about it and wasn't really even that upset until he pushed the issue, which is why I asked for advice. 

Also, we never told FI's parents that they weren't contributing, but when you tell them "Hey, we're paying for the catering and you can only invite X number b/c we can't afford more" they kind of figured it out on their own. 

I've decided that I'll talk to my mom about it and just let her know that I understand that they can't contribute financially, but if they can at least help in some other area it would be appreciated, and hopefully FI will calm down about it. 

AutumnFair

If this is your FI who is pressing the issue, you need to tell him that your parent's are not responsible for funding the wedding, that it's your and his job. Also if he thinks it unfair because his parent's are pitching in then tell him that they definitely don't have to and its their choice. 

As for your family throwing around opinions, they have a right as the parent's of the Bride to put input in the wedding, but since this is you and your FI wedding and that your paying for it, that all final decisions will be up to you two. The common saying around here is "he who pays has the final say". So its up to you two to stand your ground on certain things. 

Once again, if your parents do not offer I really suggest that you do not ask. If FI has a problem with it, he needs to suck it up and learn that its not their responsibility to pay for your wedding. If he wants a bigger party then maybe you guys need a longer engagement to save for, if not, he needs to be a man and let this issue go with your parents.

AshleyCave

I suspect your feelings are coming from a place where you maybe feel that they want to spend money on your sister and other things for themselves, but don't want to help you on the most special day of your life, you are slighted and somehow feel you are not important enough to them. Did you and your parents/sibling have a history of many confrontations growing up?

Mioh1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_tell-parents-need-pitch?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:cf96ca90-5ae5-4a15-bd03-f0d15372e10dPost:01bc312d-ccb9-4c3a-b28d-7bd0fc7ff659">Re: How to tell parents that they need to pitch in?</a>:
[QUOTE]I suspect your feelings are coming from a place where you maybe feel that they want to spend money on your sister and other things for themselves, but don't want to help you on the most special day of your life, you are slighted and somehow feel you are not important enough to them. Did you and your parents/sibling have a history of many confrontations growing up?
Posted by AshleyCave[/QUOTE]


<strong><em><font color="#800080">It sounds this way to me as well. It doesn't seem like you want your parents to give you thousands of dollars but rather share with you your special day. To show that you're as important as your sister who you feel they give everything to. One thing though don't vent out these emotions by using your FI and his parents. They can be mad all they want but don't let them make you be mad at your parents for THEIR reasons.




</font></em></strong>

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