Wedding Woes

A month and a half out, and the wedding is called off

So, after we got home from grocery shopping and dinner, we decided to work in our workbook thing that our pre-marital counselors had us working on. He started getting pissy about some things that I was writing, (the subject was effective communication) telling me that I "wasn't doing it right" etc. and I got upset. Which branched into me telling him he's been kind of harsh the past few days, and that branched into how I wish I could play around with him more. To which he told me that I can't change him, that he just doesn't like to play around in public....and I told him that I wanted a relationship where we COULD do it occasionally. Not all the time, I realize we're adults but...occasionally. 
And that's where it ended. He said he just couldn't give that to me and that he's not ready for marriage.
I don't know what we are at this point. Just between him and I, and my sister (I felt like I needed to tell her ASAP since she was the one footing the bill for the cake) the wedding is off. No one else really knows yet. 
What is really sad.... I'm upset. But...not like I had thought I would be. I'm sure I'm numb right now but...we've been able to joke around and everything. I'm not sure we're OVER but...the wedding is called off.
But then he asked me if she's CANCELING the cake or if she's just putting a hold on it...and I told him I wasn't sure. And jokingly I asked him if he wanted to see my dress at least since I wouldn't get to wear it for him and he started crying and said "no, it's bad luck, that's what I'm trying to tell you, i still want to marry you just not now." And I'm still wearing the engagement ring too. So I have really no idea what we are....BF and GF?
Engaged but without a date? I don't know. And honestly I'm not sure what to do even if HE still wants to get married but at a later date. I feel like him waiting til a month and a half before the thing to even bother saying anything is just...completely crappy. Pretty much the only thing he could do worse is just leave me at the altar, which I suppose I can be grateful that he didn't do that eh?
I'm just...numb. I don't know what to do. I'm going to visit my dad and brothers, hopefully helping them move all their stuff and get their house set up will distract me from this for a little while...and then I guess we'll decide what we're doing after that. I just don't know....

Re: A month and a half out, and the wedding is called off

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_month-half-out-wedding-called-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d240b735-a3f9-471f-a864-ec2b00bf4e41Post:c022ab47-6164-46d7-b4f8-ab209facb53f">A month and a half out, and the wedding is called off</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, after we got home from grocery shopping and dinner, we decided to work in our workbook thing that our pre-marital counselors had us working on. He started getting pissy about some things that I was writing, (the subject was effective communication) telling me that I "wasn't doing it right" etc. and I got upset. Which branched into me telling him he's been kind of harsh the past few days, and that branched into how I wish I could play around with him more. To which he told me that I can't change him, that he just doesn't like to play around in public....and I told him that I wanted a relationship where we COULD do it occasionally. Not all the time, I realize we're adults but...occasionally.  And that's where it ended. He said he just couldn't give that to me and that he's not ready for marriage. I don't know what we are at this point. Just between him and I, and my sister (I felt like I needed to tell her ASAP since she was the one footing the bill for the cake) the wedding is off. No one else really knows yet.  What is really sad.... I'm upset. But...not like I had thought I would be. I'm sure I'm numb right now but...we've been able to joke around and everything. I'm not sure we're OVER but...the wedding is called off. But then he asked me if she's CANCELING the cake or if she's just putting a hold on it...and I told him I wasn't sure. And jokingly I asked him if he wanted to see my dress at least since I wouldn't get to wear it for him and he started crying and said "no, it's bad luck, that's what I'm trying to tell you, i still want to marry you just not now." And I'm still wearing the engagement ring too. So I have really no idea what we are....BF and GF? Engaged but without a date? I don't know. And honestly I'm not sure what to do even if HE still wants to get married but at a later date. I feel like him waiting til a month and a half before the thing to even bother saying anything is just...completely crappy. Pretty much the only thing he could do worse is just leave me at the altar, which I suppose I can be grateful that he didn't do that eh? I'm just...numb. I don't know what to do. I'm going to visit my dad and brothers, hopefully helping them move all their stuff and get their house set up will distract me from this for a little while...and then I guess we'll decide what we're doing after that. I just don't know....
    Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]

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  • tawillerstawillers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Out of curiosity, what do you mean by "playing around in public"?  Can you give examples?
  • edited December 2011
    Based on this: 
    http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_uh-really-kind-of-rant

    and other posts you've made, it doesn't sound like putting the brakes on the wedding is a bad idea.  I'm not sure either one of you is really ready to be married, to be honest.  I mean, he was worried about you putting all your attention on family if you moved closer, and was upset that you 'neglected' him when you saw them for the first time in 1.5 years.  BIG red flag to me. 

    I get a young vibe from you and your FI, based on your posts.  If you do stay together (which I'm not all that sure is a good idea), you need to spend some more time with those premarital counselors.  You don't communicate welll with each other, and apparently don't understand how the other works, either- eg- not knowing that singing him a song at the wedding would totally embarass him.  I suggest really considering whether you want to continue this relationship with a person who gets angry first, then asks questions or explains why later.

    And yes, what does playing around in public mean?
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  • edited December 2011
    Playing around = having sex.

    At least, that's what MOH and BM call it. Apparently this is becoming a popular euphemism.
  • tawillerstawillers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_month-half-out-wedding-called-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d240b735-a3f9-471f-a864-ec2b00bf4e41Post:ea517e1c-e775-4325-a939-95577daa0bd2">Re: A month and a half out, and the wedding is called off</a>:
    [QUOTE]not knowing that singing him a song at the wedding would totally embarass him.  Posted by kayakrunhike[/QUOTE]

    I *knew* I recognized the name.
  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. Maybe you guys should sit down with your premarital counselor (who probably also deals with this sort of thing) and discuss your issues together in a safe environment.
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  • edited December 2011
    honestly, it sounds like it's time for a break.

    anyone who would say "you're doing it wrong" when you're working on a reflective journal about communication, has some serious communication and respect issues himself.

    it sucks, but may ultimately be for the best. 
  • Sloane99Sloane99 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh right the singing post. Clearly you like to be a public person, whether it's sex, and yes, you can say that, or singing for him - he is NOT as evidenced by at least two of your 18 posts.

    Your communications skills sound terrible frankly, not yours or his specifically but the two of you together don't seem to get each other at all. It should not be this difficult.
    2 IVFs & 1 FET. Welcome home baby girl!
  • seesawgirlseesawgirl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Um noooo....Playing around does not mean sex in this case. I mean like...skipping through wal-mart parking lot when we're grocery shopping, or pinching his butt when he's bent over. The skipping thing doesn't really bother him, he just looks at me kind of disdainfully. The pinching his butt thing....it depends on what mood he's in.

    And no, neither one of us are that young. We're both 25. 
  • Sloane99Sloane99 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Okay, playing around means exactly that in this circumstance. I guess either way my advice remains the same, he's indicated that he is not comfortable being a focus of attention in public - you can't change this and it sounds like his frustration has boiled over on this topic.
    2 IVFs & 1 FET. Welcome home baby girl!
  • seesawgirlseesawgirl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Jesus, did really EVERYONE think "playing around" meant sex?

    And my mother tells me MY mind is in the gutter. 

    Like I said -I'm talking about just being in a goofy mood and "playing around" with him. Half the time its ok, and he's the one that initiates it, the other half he acts like I'm completely insane...which is why its so confusing to me. If he just flat thought that we needed to prim proper adults 100% of the time I would have never gotten with him to begin with. That just isn't me, I dye my hair purple half the time....whatever.
    But that was something that we bonded over, being able to go somewhere and be slightly crazy together. (once again, NOT talking about sex)
     For 3 years, its been ok. Last night, it all of the sudden was not. 
    I think its less of a "communication issue" and more of a " I'm bi-polar and sometimes I like it and its ok, and sometimes I don't. I expect you to read my mind I know the difference" issue.

  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You're not ready for marriage. Neither of you is.

    Act however you want but recognize that just because you do doesn't mean he has to and just because he doesn't want to doesn't mean you can't. you're not always going to grow at exactly the same time. You're not always going to be on exactly the same page, the point is to come to a common understanding and be able to communicate effectively what your wants and needs and expectations are. He may have initiated the poor communication but I don't think talking smack about him and calling him bipolar is necessarily an effective and mature way to handle it. Be a kid, skip, dance, sing, dye your hair, but that doesn't mean you have to communicate like children, kicking each other in the shins, stealing crayons, and calling each other poopie head.
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  • seesawgirlseesawgirl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Not talking smack. He's diagnosed manic/depressive-i.e. bipolar, and can't be properly medicated because he has high blood pressure and the two meds would interfere with each other. So his mood swings pretty much just run rampant, and no one really gets a warning.
    I really apologize if it seems like I'm being crappy toward everyone here, I've been up most of the night and am NOT in the best of moods....hope everyone can understand that.
  • Sloane99Sloane99 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I guess I still don't understand, you know ALL these things about him, he's bi-polar, he's not a public person and yet your level of empathy towards this seems really off-base, including calling him a d!ckhead in your last post. This is who he is. Maybe neither of you have changed in 3+ years and you both chose to accept this about each other 2 years ago or whatever, but it's not working now.

    We're calling you both on the communication issues because it really seems like you're not in tune with each other at all.

    Him telling you that your journal is "wrong", then your conversations seem to snowball into 20 different things and now you still don't know where you stand or what's going on. I'm not saying this wouldn't be frustrating but these are basic communication skills that you guys need to have.
    2 IVFs & 1 FET. Welcome home baby girl!
  • edited December 2011
    I wouldn't marry an unmedicated bipolar person if my life depended on it. You are signing up for a life of mood swings. I don't know what meds he was on, but there are plenty of options out there that will not affect his blood pressure.

    He may be feeding  you a line of BS there, becuase many bipolars don't want to take their meds. They are notorious for that. (and yes, I know what I am talking about - I worked in a psychiatric clinic, with bipolar patients, for years).

    I think you need to figure out what YOU want and not wait for him.
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  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm with MinM. I'm normally pretty sympathetic toward people with problems like this, but I would never knowingly enter into a permanent bond like that with someone who couldn't or wouldn't take medication. You're going to be dealing with this kind of thing for the rest of your life, and he can't help his mood swings.

    I'll tell you - it's pretty exhausting dealing with someone like that.
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  • GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    So the fact that he's bipolar is just now coming up?
    That's something BOTH of you should be getting help (even if he cant' be medicated--which...hmm, get a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th opinion on that.  There ARE drug options and therapy options to explore--this is NOT something that one just says "oh, I can't take drugs for" and leaves alone)

    I do also have to ask, why are you giving ALL control about whether this is a 'postponement' or a 'cancellation' to HIM?

  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_month-half-out-wedding-called-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d240b735-a3f9-471f-a864-ec2b00bf4e41Post:d4bc0630-989c-4716-acc7-294a0e59d6de">Re: A month and a half out, and the wedding is called off</a>:
    [QUOTE]Not talking smack. He's diagnosed manic/depressive-i.e. bipolar, and can't be properly medicated because he has high blood pressure and the two meds would interfere with each other. So his mood swings pretty much just run rampant, and no one really gets a warning. I really apologize if it seems like I'm being crappy toward everyone here, I've been up most of the night and am NOT in the best of moods....hope everyone can understand that.
    Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]

    I'm really sorry you're going through this, it sounds awfully difficult to go through.

    Do you have any more of an idea how scary and life-altering bipolar disorder can be unmedicated? It will not always be just some little quirk or mood swing. It won't just be about him changing his mind about feeling playful. It can be extremely dangerous. It is extraordinarily hard to deal with, and unless you yourself have grown up with someone who has it, I'm not convinced you fully understand what you're getting yourself into.

    Definitely take a break. Take time away from each other for a while and then re-evalutate.
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with the PP posters.  If you agree to continue this relationship with him, I would go into it with your eyes open.  Untreated bipolar disorder or depressive disorders can be extremely volatile.  Explore your options.  I know some bipolar medications can interfere with, or even raise blood pressure, but there are so many options out there now. 

    Despite his medical history it sounds like he doesn't respect your opinion very much.  I would really do some soul searching and decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this man. 
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_month-half-out-wedding-called-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d240b735-a3f9-471f-a864-ec2b00bf4e41Post:0013c7b6-a731-4c9c-8327-0c49597aab75">Re: A month and a half out, and the wedding is called off</a>:
    [QUOTE]Jesus, did really EVERYONE think "playing around" meant sex? And my mother tells me MY mind is in the gutter.  Like I said -I'm talking about just being in a goofy mood and "playing around" with him. Half the time its ok, and he's the one that initiates it, the other half he acts like I'm completely insane...which is why its so confusing to me. If he just flat thought that we needed to prim proper adults 100% of the time I would have never gotten with him to begin with. That just isn't me, I dye my hair purple half the time....whatever. But that was something that we bonded over, being able to go somewhere and be slightly crazy together. (once again, NOT talking about sex)  For 3 years, its been ok. Last night, it all of the sudden was not.  I think its less of a "communication issue" and more of a <strong>" I'm bi-polar and sometimes I like it and its ok, and sometimes I don't. I expect you to read my mind I know the difference" issue.</strong>
    Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]

    this is the definintion of a communication issue.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_month-half-out-wedding-called-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d240b735-a3f9-471f-a864-ec2b00bf4e41Post:0013c7b6-a731-4c9c-8327-0c49597aab75">Re: A month and a half out, and the wedding is called off</a>:
    [QUOTE]Jesus, did really EVERYONE think "playing around" meant sex? And my mother tells me MY mind is in the gutter.  Like I said -I'm talking about just being in a goofy mood and "playing around" with him. Half the time its ok, and he's the one that initiates it, the other half he acts like I'm completely insane...which is why its so confusing to me. If he just flat thought that we needed to prim proper adults 100% of the time I would have never gotten with him to begin with. That just isn't me, I dye my hair purple half the time....whatever. But that was something that we bonded over, being able to go somewhere and be slightly crazy together. (once again, NOT talking about sex)  For 3 years, its been ok. Last night, it all of the sudden was not.  I think its less of a "communication issue" and more of a " I'm bi-polar and sometimes I like it and its ok, and sometimes I don't. I expect you to read my mind I know the difference" issue.
    Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]


    could it just be cold feet???? all of a sudden now that you're getting closer to the wedding date and that phrase "now and forever until death do you part" is freaking him out. If he needed time though he should've said something since the beginning.
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