Wedding Woes

Family Feud Over Location

I am relatively new to The Knot.  I became engaged about 3 weeks ago and have been enjoying spending the time with my fiance.  We are planning a wedding for Fall of 2012 and are currently planning to pay for the wedding ourselves. 

During the holidays, my parents have begun to voice their opinion about where the wedding should occur.  My FI's family lives in NJ and my family resides in CT.  FI and I live together in NJ near where his family lives.  My parents are insisting that the wedding be held in upstate CT since it is traditional for a wedding to be held at the Bride's church. 

The area that my family lives in is beautiful, however it is only convenient for them.  All of my FI's family, all of our friends, and my extended family live closer to NJ.  Also, my parents moved to northern CT after I went to college, so I have no real attachment to the area.  The area is also very rural and it would be difficult to find hotels near the ceremony and reception sites that can accommodate our guests.

My father has been getting angry and storming out of the room if I say anything to suggest that it may not be practical to hold the wedding near them. 

FI and I have not decided where to hold the wedding yet and are planning to discuss that this week, but there is overwhelming pressure from my side of the family to hold it in CT.  I am thinking that he and I will just decide and then tell people, "We want to invite __ guests, have it in [insert state here] and we would like you to be part of it."   However, I still do not want to create long-lasting resentment over the wedding location.

Am I in the wrong?  Even if my parents end up contributing to the wedding, does that mean that they get to decide where it is held?
Has anyone else dealt with this?
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Re: Family Feud Over Location

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    If your parents moved there after you went away to college, then it's not truly "the bride's church." Am I correct in assuming this is the situation? Sounds like it's the Bride's Folks' church. Which makes their reasoning faulty. 

    I know how you feel, kind of. My fiance and I live on one side of WA state, along with most of his family and most of our friends. My folks live on the other side of WA state. It's inconvenient for somebody no matter what. So, might as well keep a minimum number of people maximally inconvenienced. 

    Your parents will come to terms with it in time. Unless they are the kind to be truly bitter about petty things with a bite like gila lizard. (And it kind of sounds like they might be, with Daddy's tantrums.) So, I suggest telling them gently the way things are going to be, and while you would love for them to be there you understand if it's just too inconvenient for them to make travel plans for their daughter's wedding. (Subtle guilt can do wonders. Kill with kindness.)
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    I think a lot of it will have to do with how much $$ they're contributing. If they're paying for the whole affair, then you need to seriously take their location preferences into consideration. If you or your FI's family are paying for the majority of it, and your parents are really just contributors and/or paying for a specific piece of it (the flowers/music/etc.) then you should have it where it's convenient for the majority of people. Especially since your Dad seems to be throwing some tantrums, it might be better to completely keep them out of it financially if you can. You might try explaining that you don't feel that you have roots where they currently reside, and do not feel that their new home is where your church is. They might be understanding of that.

    Really it seems like the best option is just to make sure that their money is not really involved in any large way, otherwise - if you can't get them to agree to your preference - it's going to end up being a destination wedding for everyone except them.
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    If they pay, then yes, they do get a say.  If they pay for all of it, then they get all of the say.  (If they were nice, they would say "have the wedding you want." But money often comes with strings.)

    Only you can decide how important this is.  If you cave, will it give them permission to railroad you for the rest of your life?  If you don't cave, will they disown you? Would that be a bad thing for you? 

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    Yes.  I grew up in RI, live in MA and my inlaws divide their time btw NY and FL.

    Mom and Dad would like the wedding in the fanciest place possible on the coast of RI, FI is ambivalent.  In-laws are bouncing btw a fancy wedding in their beautiful Temple in NY or a destination wedding at the warm weather of FL.   Everyone wants to brag in their own little corner.

    I put my foot down early on for a simple understated venue in SE Mass that I loved.   I explained to my Grandmere that she will have to cope with leaving her island and going into Massachusetts if she wants to see me get married.  

    So far, I have utter the phrase "We can elope"  seven times to my Mother, three times to my future Mother in Law and twice to Grandmere.   My Dad, tired of the drama, is all for eloping.   If you push me, I will do it. 
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    I say you need to do what is best for you and your fi.  You say your paying for it yourself then for you get the say where and when.  I'm sure your parents will get over this. You can't please everyone all the time and if your parents love you they will be there for you no matter what. Just make sure that the date you pick will work with them for traveling.  I don't know far they are from the area your looking at. 
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