How can both me and FMIL be happy?

cnbrantner

     I want a real small ceremony on the night of the 22nd which is a friday and a full moon. Its in a friends back yard (the friend who set us up and is practically a second mother two both of us) out in the woods. I'm really not into the whole 'lets invite everyone and their mothers' type person.... FMIL is. Don't get me wrong, I love this woman, she is so sweet and nice and would pay for everything if i would let her, I just can't tell her no. I already have a had time putting my foot down, and with her I just can't do it. In order for her to be happy with our small ceremony, she requests having a short 10 min ceremony at the reception which is going to be at 10 the next morning. She wants all of her work friends there and all of her relives that ever existed there and she paying for it so I'm not going to tell her no. But it's just to the point now that I don't even want to go. I hate large crowds of people i don't even know and know I'm going to have hair and makeup done twice. bleh... I would love to just run away and elope but she would kill us.

cnbrantner

    I really am thankful for her help and support but this is all becoming so much more stressful than what i wanted it to be. I feel like i should just give in to everything she wants but at the same time I get sick to my stomach just thinking about standing up infront of a whole bunch of people I have never even met before, let alone having to kiss FI in front of them all. i hate complexity.

baconsmom

If she's paying, she sets the guest list. This isn't complex. Have a couple mimosas before the ceremony and ignore the people. 

tesskerr

Sounds complicated. How about having your small ceremony at night, followed by whatever "reception" you wanted, then the next day your FMIL can have her "reception", but really we all know if is just a "day after the wedding get together". Just let her do what she wants, but I wouldn't do hair and makeup if you don't want - maybe just a blowdry at a salon? a pretty dress, your friends will be there, just have a few drinks with them! 

Most people do something the next day, especially for OOT guests, so just think of it like that and it might not seem to bad.

BeeBee22

Talk to your FI.  He needs to stand up to her if you can't.  

First of all, having a fake second ceremony the next day is really tacky and ridiculous.  It's a MARRIAGE ceremony - the next day, you'll already be married. 

Secondly, can't you or your FI explain to her that having any sort ceremony in front of a large gathering is extremely painful and stressful for you?  That's an entirely legitimate reason not to have one.  She'd be awful to force you.  She may not know how horrible this will be for you if you haven't told her.  If you DO tell her, and she really is sweet and wonderful, she should drop it immediately

She has absolutely no business requiring such a thing from you, and it's incredibly unfeeling and rude for her to request it so she can show off to her friends.  Again, if she doesn't know how you feel, this doesn't apply.  So, tell her.

Wishing you all the best!

redheadfsu

Yes, if she is paying than she gets say, but ...

Just say no to the her wedding/reception. Seriously a fake second wedding for her? Nope. Say thanks, but no thanks.

You & your FI need to figure out what you want together & then tell her as a unit.

cnbrantner

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_can-fmil-happy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d7c16b24-456d-4bae-9211-2b352b2dcd5dPost:0955b9a0-667b-49e7-b015-048415448e7d">Re: How can both me and FMIL be happy?</a>:
[QUOTE]Talk to your FI.  He needs to stand up to her if you can't.   First of all, having a fake second ceremony the next day is really tacky and ridiculous.  It's a MARRIAGE ceremony - the next day, you'll already be married.  Secondly, can't you or your FI explain to her that having any sort ceremony in front of a large gathering is extremely painful and stressful for you?  That's an entirely legitimate reason not to have one.  She'd be awful to force you.  She may not know how horrible this will be for you if you haven't told her.  If you DO tell her, and she really is sweet and wonderful, she should drop it immediately She has absolutely no business requiring such a thing from you, and it's incredibly unfeeling and rude for her to request it so she can show off to her friends.  Again, if she doesn't know how you feel, this doesn't apply.  So, tell her. Wishing you all the best!
Posted by BeeBee22[/QUOTE]

     I'm glad you understand what its like to not be a people person. I don't do large crowds of people, i even have a hard time being in a large group of friends. Its not that she is being too pushy, she has been pretty helpful and I don't want to tell her she can't bring friends. Its just so stressful that I don't even like to think about it and it makes my tummy hurt. I really want a little cutesy traditional wedding but at the same time i'd rather just go to the courthouse and be done with all this attention and nonsense.
     FI's older sisters from another mom who live across the country are already starting drama, and FFIL is a supporting their decisions to not go to the wedding if FMIL does go. FI has billions of family that all just <em>NEED</em> to be there and if we add up all of his family, his family list alone is bigger than my family and friends list put together. I'm getting so stressed that my fingers are breaking out!!

cnbrantner

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_can-fmil-happy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d7c16b24-456d-4bae-9211-2b352b2dcd5dPost:6e509dae-c323-4ada-be87-95d91066ab0f">Re: How can both me and FMIL be happy?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds complicated. How about having your small ceremony at night, followed by whatever "reception" you wanted, then the next day your FMIL can have her "reception", but really we all know if is just a "day after the wedding get together". Just let her do what she wants, but I wouldn't do hair and makeup if you don't want - maybe just a blowdry at a salon? a pretty dress, your friends will be there, just have a few drinks with them!  Most people do something the next day, especially for OOT guests, so just think of it like that and it might not seem to bad.
Posted by tesskerr[/QUOTE]

    The reason we are having the 10min ceremony before the reception is because all of FI's family lives really far away and they won't be able to make it to the one friday night. She is expecting the same dress all the attendents to be there in the same clothes and everything. We are even using the flowers again. She is pretty smart and I think she has me figured out, she gets me alone and when I have no one else to answer for me, I give in. bleh.... I wish i could be a eral bridezilla and just be like this is what I want so this what we are doing, get over it.