Uneven guestlist. What to do

wu71124

Hello. I need some advice. For the guest list my and my fiance's friends section is even with one another but my family part of the guest list is small, consisting only of my immediate family as my mother has passed and many of my relatives are also dead or estranged from the family. My fiance's family list is huge. He doesn't even speak to or know many of the people on the list. I'm upset because I keep envisioning this wedding where I don't know the people in attendence and I wanted a smaller wedding (we are in NYC after all). I think that the list of people he is not in contact with is too much and too much for our budget.   Is it unreasonable to ask him to cut some of his family list? Has anyone else had a similar issue? Any advice on how to resolve it?

Thanks.

TheDuckis

It's not about evenness of numbers so much as you each having the people there you are closest to.

If budget is a concern, talk to him about reducing the entire list. He may decide that some of his friends are less important than family, or he may end up cutting mostly family.

melissarose2011

Oh man, I had the same conversation this morning with my family! Opposite situation though -- my family is the one with the twice-as-large guest list and my fiance's family's list is smaller -- our "wish" for a smaller wedding doesn't seem to phase my parents. 

I have asked my parents to cut their list down because I, too, do not want to be meeting a ton of people for the first time at my wedding. We also are trying to keep it even and balanced because the financial contribution is the same on each side, so it would make sense to have even and balanced guests from both sides.

It's probably more touchy being it's your fiance's family and not yours. However, having an open conversation with your hubby-to-be and explaining your concerns, could help him to get aligned with you. I think it's COMPLETELY reasonable to ask his side of the family to cut the list a little bit. They may react with shock and upset as my family did -- but the reality is that it's your day, and in an effort to keep it balanced, you'd like to try to keep the guest list as even as possible. It definitely couldn't hurt to ask or bring it up. 

After all, the "wedding planning" is some of the best practice for negotiating with your partner and working through these tough issues -- so try to have a heartfelt conversation with him about it! 

Good luck!

VarunaTT

DH and I had a similar issue.  I finally said we just needed to lay down some "rules" for inviting.  Basically, if DH (NOT his mother or father) hadn't spoken to said family member/friend in 2 years, they weren't invited.  I just didn't have that with my family, b/c there were basically four invitees and that was it.

Muffin'sMom

It would have been better to give them a number of invitations that are their share as opposed to just asking for the list.    Since that bird has flown, I would do like Melissa said.  Sit down with your FI and make a plan that fits your vision and your budget.  Then present it to his family together.  They will probably be upset, just smile sweetly and hold your ground.

GBCK

I really always dislike the idea of "his side gets x number so her side gets Y number"...I never find it works.
(I have a bias here...if we put ALL of the Mr's relatives that live on this continent in a room, there are something in the neighborhood of 40 people.  If we put ALL of my relatives that I have had contact with in the lats year in a room, we have over 150.  )
I never find "only invite first cousins" works or some similar cut off either--I have first cousins I never speak to and 3rd cousins that I actually converse with.

What's your goal here?
IF it's to make number's smaller, then it's not about the family numbers, it's about numbers in general.
If it's to limit family numbers...well, the fact that you have a small family # doesn't mean he should have to cut family--see above, make numbers in GENERAL smaller.

wu71124

Thanks for the feedback ladies.