Help!

alypeacelove

I just recently got engaged to the my perfect man. He did everything so secretly and I was so suprised! 

When I told my parents they seemed really weird about it, despite the fact that I know they love him. My mom just told me that my stepdad is really hurt and upset that my fiance didn't come to him first and ask. And here is the kicker, they are taking it out on me! I know that my fiance talked alot with his parents (mostly because the engagment ring was passed down through the family so he kind of had to, whilst still keeping it a secert to most). 

Is asking the father's permission still the right thing to do, or is my family being a little obnoxious? I know my fiance didn't mean to hurt anyone and he told me that he honestly didn't think it was necessary because he didn't think people did it anymore. We are going over to my house tomorrow and I am a little worried that an argument will start or feelings will be hurt. 

Thanks! (This is my first post  )

baconsmom

Does your father own you? No? Then no, your fiance should not have asked "permission" to marry you. This is an archaic and stupid tradition, and I'd tell my dad (if he ever pulled this, which thank god he wouldn't) that I'm a grown-ass woman who gets to pick her own husband, thanks. 

VarunaTT

The only thing that makes it right or wrong is what YOU think of it.

There are some regs who expected their FI to ask their dads and their FIs did and it made them happy.  My father would've laughed at DH and I would've been peeved if he asked him b/c that's not the way our family or I work.

KatyRoseM

Asking the father is a personal thing, some families do it, others don;t.  How would you have felt if he did it?  Some women like the idea some don't.  If you would have hated it you need to tell them and make them deal with it.  If its something you would have liked you should talk to him and see if he will talk to them and try to fix it.

alypeacelove

I agree with all of you! I would have felt uncomfortable if my FI asked permission simply because we both don't believe in that kind of thing.  As we have discussed today, he is marrying ME not him. I am so happy I have some back up here! Thanks ladies  

jessss21

My fiance asked out of respect for my parents.  It wasnt something totally necessary, but it made them feel involved and they really appreciated that. 

rascal17

I think its an old silly archaic tradition. As FI and I have been living together for near 2 years already asking my dad would have been silly, my dad would have been confused and probably have said something along the lines of "sure, go for it". Even if we didnt live together my dad would have probably said the same thing as asking the father is not the norm im my circle.

To me it feels like this is only something done when the bride is real young (like the minimum age to get married) and still living with her parents. to me its the Man is asking the dad if its ok to take his daughter out of her parents house and care to go live and be with him. but this is just my opinion

Muffin'sMom

I think it's not how YOU feel, but how your DAD feels.  My daughter knew it was important to her Dad, so she made sure that her FH knew that.  He didn't ask "permission", but rather talked to her Dad about loving her and taking care of her.  It meant a lot to her Dad that he did.

nannewmur

I totally agree with Muffin's Mom.  I am a parent and feel it is a courtesy to ask for the parents's blessing.  Asking for permission is not common in my area, even when I got married in the mid 80's. 

artbyallie

My fiancé did ask my dad for his blessing before proposing, but we're old-fashioned like that and he knew it would score him points with my family. In any case, your stepdad needs to realize it's too late for that now so there's no use getting butthurt about it.

LMEngaged

Perhaps you should tell your parents that only 4% of men ask the bride's parents for permission. Maybe they think its more prevalent then it really is.

palrmt

My FI didnt ask anybody but me and thats honestly the way I wanted it.  My mom was upset because she is much more traditional but my dad wasnt bothered at all.  He is of the same opinion that I am - that I'm the one getting married so I'm the one whose opinion counts.  He probably would have told my FI that he should talk to me since I am the one who will be marrying him. 

ReturnOfKuus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-20?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:e0042561-c5fa-4606-b487-8323cf52ce12Post:aa06599a-2383-44fe-9496-9c44e3c98352">Re: Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's not how YOU feel, but how your DAD feels.  My daughter knew it was important to her Dad, so she made sure that her FH knew that.  He didn't ask "permission", but rather talked to her Dad about loving her and taking care of her.  It meant a lot to her Dad that he did.
Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]


I couldn't possibly disagree with this more.

It shouldn't be about how dad feels at all, because it's not dad's proposal, not dad's marriage, not dad's relationship.  Inserting yourself into someone else's relationship and decisions as some sort of misogynistic gatekeeper, and getting pissed off when they don't comply, makes you a self-centered jackass.  Remind dad that it's not his life event, and as such it's not him that has to be catered to. 

hmonkey

unless you want him to pay for it.

deanabuonincontri

I think asking permission or for the dad's blessing is a nice thing to do but it certainly not required.  Talk to your parents and let them know that being upset over something so petty is putting a damper on this celebratory time.  Let them know it was an honest mistake. Also - tell them that it wasnt something that was important to you either.  That will take some of the heat off your fiance.

On a personal note, my fiance did talk to my dad before he asked me.  My fiance and I have been together for over 5 years and have lived together for over 3.  My fiance and my dad are very close though.  And i dont think he asked permission...more like talked to my dad about it.  They even went together to get the diamond put in the setting.  To me it was really sweet!