Step-mother problem

deutscherbride

I'm getting married in a few months and now that plans are speeding up, everyone is getting more involved in the wedding plans. Everything has been going great except for my long standing issue with my step mother. I do not see her or my father very often as I have always lived with my mother in a different city. They are no longer together never married but lived together since I was 2, yet still make trips to visit me and my sisters as a "couple".  Now and only now that I have been engaged she is nearly trying to take over my mothers role in the wedding; asking if she can drive 6 hours to help me look for dresses, wants to be a part of the receiving line, and is even signing "mom" to my engagement cards....
We have never had a good relationship (she never had her own children because she didn't like kids and wasn't that great to us growing up)  and all this prying is starting to upset my mother......
How do I tell her to back off?

ReturnOfKuus

I don't think she's really doing anything offensive here.  It sounds like she's trying to use this opportunity to forge a better relationship with you.

DG1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_step-mother-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:e463fbdf-eaea-4da5-b215-128c62c7c40dPost:4ffe4975-6504-4fb3-8538-a28d5c9bed6f">Step-mother problem</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm getting married in a few months and now that plans are speeding up, everyone is getting more involved in the wedding plans. Everything has been going great except for my lifelong issue with my step mother. I do not see her or my father very often as I have always lived with my mother in a different city. Now that I have been engaged she is nearly tryin gto take over my mothers role in the wedding; asking if she can drive 6 hours to help me look for dresses, wants to be a part of the receiving line, and is even signing "mom" to my engagement cards.... How do I tell her to back off?
Posted by deutscherbride[/QUOTE]

It's not really clear what your issue is with her.  Do you have a bad relationship, or just a nonrelationship because of geography?

MinM

You have had a life-long relationship with her? Your dad was married to this woman when you were born?

tawillers

What's the issue with having her in the receiving line?

deutscherbride

Did I mention her and my father are no longer together?

ReturnOfKuus

Okay, that's weird.  Why is she in touch with you at all?  Is she a mother to some half-siblings or something?

deutscherbride

They are still "friends" and he insists that I invite her since she was in my life for 20 Years

ReturnOfKuus

He's still sleeping with her, or hoping to, then?

tawillers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_step-mother-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:e463fbdf-eaea-4da5-b215-128c62c7c40dPost:5fb650e5-72b7-4f10-a585-7c4db5dedf95">Re: Step-mother problem</a>:
[QUOTE]Did I mention her and my father are no longer together?
Posted by deutscherbride[/QUOTE]

No. You didn't.  You made it seem like they were still together with your "I don't see her or my father because they live in another city.." line.

How long have they been divorced?  How often do you actually see her since the divorce?  What was your relationship like when they were together (obviously distant, but was it fine otherwise?)?

All things that should have been included.  Help us help you.

DG1

So you don't like her, don't want her there, and she isn't connected by blood or marriage? 

Unless Dad's paying, don't invite her.  Try to let her know nicely - no need to be cruel - but this is the equivalent of his insisting you invite a former neighbor because you shared a backyard fence for your whole childhood. 

Still, it seems like something else is going on.  Why would she even begin to think she should sign an engagement card, "Mom?"  What was your relationship like during those 20 years?

mermaidutp

I can understand inviting her - but given that she is no longer in a relationship with your father and you aren't close to her, that's about the limit.  How does your father feel about these strange requests she's making?

It's great that she's happy for you - but I just don't understand where all of this is coming from if you were never close before.  Is she trying to get back with your dad? 

I know to some it's just a name - but I find it incredibly disrespectful that she would refer to herself as your mother without being refered to as so by you.  Maybe she's gone a bit batty or is having delusions regarding her relationship with you since splitting with your dad?

I think you need to talk about this more with your dad before proceding, since he's seemingly your only link to her.

MinM

Use  your big girl words and say, "Thanks, but no thanks. I'd love for you to be a guest at the wedding, if you would like to attend."

jerseydevil

For me, the fact that her and your dad are no longer together would be the nail in the coffin. I would not be inviting her to the wedding, if she is someone I am not close to.

MinM

Also, your SN reads doucher bride to me.

aweaver2004

I understand what you mean.  I'm recently engaged.  When the engagement first happened (literally right after it) I had called my dad to let him know (even though he knew it was going to happen because my FH asked his permission).  So obviously since my father knew, so did my step-mother.  Knowing this, I called all of my other family immediately because none of them had any idea.  So I didn't get around to calling my step-mom until later in the evening (once everyone else was informed).  She had to immediately make a smart comment that she didn't even think I was going to tell her.  I said didn't you already know considering FH asked dad's permission?!?  Little comments like that are unnecessary- instead of being super excited about news she already knew she had to make me feel guilty for not notifying her right away.

Now this is the person my dad left my mom for so I've known her for most of my life.  I am the only girl as she only has sons so (according to my dad) I am the daughter she's never had.  I can understand her having those feelings, but the ways she has acted towards me over the years has made it rather difficult to maintain a good relationship.  

With this wedding planning I sometimes feel as though she feels she should be a large part in it.  She and my dad are paying for my dress so of course she needs to be involved in that.  But my mom needs to be there, too, and I made my step-mom aware of this.  It has been really difficult for me, but I've worked up the courage to make sure I'm honest with her on everything.  If she oversteps her boundaries, I have to let her know.  Plain and simple.  

I know how you feel having someone who has been a part of your entire life feel they can do whatever they want because of that fact.  But we need to be strong and remember that we are planning our own weddings-  and we need to remind these people of this.  It'll take some big kahunas on our part...but it has to be done.  You need to be straight forward with your step-mom (whether she refers to you as her daughter or not- mine does the same thing especially now that I'm engaged) and let her know that she needs to back off a little.  It's your decision if you want to include her in the planning or not.  Feelings will be hurt while planing a wedding- it's inevitable.  People feel they should be invited, they should be included in whatever, etc... but we are the ones who decide this and no one else.  We can't keep avoiding stepping on toes.  There is no way to keep absolutely everyone happy without making yourself insane in the process.  That's not realistic. 

Are you close to your dad?  Maybe pick his brain a little considering he knows your step-mom just as well.  Explain how you're feeling and maybe he can help you figure out a way to address the situation without being too cruel sounding.  Good luck hun, hope this has helped a little.