Help!

Kcjones

So here is my situation, like many of you here I have been dreaming about my wedding day since I was a little girl. I’ve been buying bridal magazines for ten years, watching every and any bridal show on TV. Now don’t be confused I wasn’t desperate to be married I just loved the fairytale of it all and hoped one day to have that one perfect day. As luck would have it I met the man of my dreams six years ago, we bought a house four years ago and have been struggling financially ever since. We have been waiting to get married since we both have large families and I have pretty grandiose dreams of what I wanted we were waiting till we could get some money saved. After a string of hard times and my fiancé getting laid off we decided that the big $25,000 wedding was just not in the cards for us and deiced to scale down the dream wedding to something more manageable. We have been planning our wedding for 9.4.10, had al the events planned, shower, bachlore/ette weekend, rehearsal dinner. Booked all of our vendors and my fiancé was laid off again. We had no choice but to use our saved wedding money to keep up with our mortgage payments and have now had to postpone the wedding for another year. To say that I’m devastated doesn’t even begin to cover what I’m feeling .. he has now found a new job but is making 1/3 of what he was before the original lay off. We are so far behind on our bills and our house payments I can’t see how in less than a year we will be able to come up with the $10,000 we will need to pay for the highly scaled down version of the dream wedding I really want. Please know, I’m not a materialistic person normally I just have this fairytale picture in my head of this one perfect day, I want it so badly it actually aches. The planning of the wedding the first time around was one disappointment after the next having to not choose what I want or like but what we can budget. The thought of going through it again makes me sick. I keep thinking maybe we should just elope but I’m worried I will regret not having the wedding of my dreams. I’m so depressed over this I can’t hardly hold back the tears at any given moment and I know I have been hurting my fiancé who is an amazing man because he feels so guilty. I don’t want to hurt him, he is so wonderful to me but I just can’t snap out of it. I know I’m blessed to have him in my life, why I’m I obsessed with some perfect day that’s over in five hours? Please help, has anyone gone through this? I know we could wait say three more years but we want to have kids soon and I canst see spending the money it would take for a dream wedding once we have kids.

baconsmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:e6913e61-7d7a-47dd-a9d0-85d35b5e287ePost:6d51f9aa-819a-41e8-bb29-40c2f536db5e">Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]So here is my situation, like many of you here I have been dreaming about my wedding day since I was a little girl. I’ve been buying bridal magazines for ten years, watching every and any bridal show on TV. Now don’t be confused I wasn’t desperate to be married I just loved the fairytale of it all and hoped one day to have that one perfect day. As luck would have it I met the man of my dreams six years ago, we bought a house four years ago and have been struggling financially ever since. We have been waiting to get married since we both have large families and I have pretty grandiose dreams of what I wanted we were waiting till we could get some money saved. After a string of hard times and my fiancé getting laid off we decided that the big $25,000 wedding was just not in the cards for us and deiced to scale down the dream wedding to something more manageable. We have been planning our wedding for 9.4.10, had al the events planned, shower, bachlore/ette weekend, rehearsal dinner. Booked all of our vendors and my fiancé was laid off again. We had no choice but to use our saved wedding money to keep up with our mortgage payments and have now had to postpone the wedding for another year. To say that I’m devastated doesn’t even begin to cover what I’m feeling .. he has now found a new job but is making 1/3 of what he was before the original lay off. We are so far behind on our bills and our house payments I can’t see how in less than a year we will be able to come up with the $10,000 we will need to pay for the highly scaled down version of the dream wedding I really want. Please know, I’m not a materialistic person normally I just have this fairytale picture in my head of this one perfect day, I want it so badly it actually aches. The planning of the wedding the first time around was one disappointment after the next having to not choose what I want or like but what we can budget. The thought of going through it again makes me sick. I keep thinking maybe we should just elope but I’m worried I will regret not having the wedding of my dreams. I’m so depressed over this I can’t hardly hold back the tears at any given moment and I know I have been hurting my fiancé who is an amazing man because he feels so guilty. I don’t want to hurt him, he is so wonderful to me but I just can’t snap out of it. I know I’m blessed to have him in my life, why I’m I obsessed with some perfect day that’s over in five hours? Please help, has anyone gone through this? I know we could wait say three more years but we want to have kids soon and I canst see spending the money it would take for a dream wedding once we have kids.
Posted by Kcjones[/QUOTE]

<div>All you need to be married is the cost of a license and a trip to City Hall. What's most important to you - rudely throwing yourself parties, or being married? That'll make the decision for you.</div>

katorigasuki

your problem started 10 years ago when you started obessing with bridal magazines and the like.  none of that stuff is based in reality.  time to get your head out of your ass and face the real world. 

the goal here is to get married, right?  to marry the man you love and want to spend your life with.  the rest is all gravy.  have the wedding you can afford and be done with it.  if you can't handle the harsh reality that you can only afford barebones, then seek counseling. 

there is no point in being depressed over a party that lasts a couple of hours, when you have a lifetime of memories to look forward to.  those memories will only be tarnished if you end up blowing all your money on something as frivolous as a wedding and end up broke.

Mrs.Thistletwat

You want to have kids soon? How about your FI keeps a job and grows in it and you get out of financial crisis before you even contemplate having children.

If you want to BE married then JOP it. If GETTING married is more important to you than actually being married then you have bigger problems on your plate.

Kcjones

Wow there is really no reason to be cruel, I thought this was a message board for people stressed out planning their weddings to find support. 

C&S1030

Who is being cruel?  You need to focus on what the day is really about: marrying the man you love, not the wedding. 

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:e6913e61-7d7a-47dd-a9d0-85d35b5e287ePost:6d51f9aa-819a-41e8-bb29-40c2f536db5e">Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]So here is my situation, <strong>like many of you here I have been dreaming about my wedding day since I was a little girl. I’ve been buying bridal magazines for ten years, watching every and any bridal show on TV.</strong> Now don’t be confused I wasn’t desperate to be married I just loved the fairytale of it all and hoped one day to have that one perfect day. <strong>As luck would have it I met the man of my dreams six years ago, we bought a house four years ago and have been struggling financially ever since. We have been waiting to get married since we both have large families and I have pretty grandiose dreams of what I wanted we were waiting till we could get some money saved. After a string of hard times and my fiancé getting laid off we decided that the big $25,000 wedding was just not in the cards for us and deiced to scale down the dream wedding to something more manageable. We have been planning our wedding for 9.4.10, had al the events planned, shower, bachlore/ette weekend, rehearsal dinner. Booked all of our vendors and my fiancé was laid off again. We had no choice but to use our saved wedding money to keep up with our mortgage payments and have now had to postpone the wedding for another year. </strong>To say that I’m devastated doesn’t even begin to cover what I’m feeling .. he has now found a new job but is making 1/3 of what he was before the original lay off.<strong> We are so far behind on our bills and our house payments I can’t see how in less than a year we will be able to come up with the $10,000 we will need to pay for the highly scaled down version of the dream wedding I really want</strong>. Please know, I’m not a materialistic person normally I just have this fairytale picture in my head of this one perfect day, I want it so badly it actually aches. The planning of the wedding the first time around was one disappointment after the next having to not choose what I want or like but what we can budget. The thought of going through it again makes me sick. I keep thinking maybe we should just elope but I’m worried I will regret not having the wedding of my dreams.<strong> I’m so depressed over this I can’t hardly hold back the tears at any given moment and I know I have been hurting my fiancé who is an amazing man because he feels so guilty. I don’t want to hurt him, he is so wonderful to me but I just can’t snap out of it</strong>. I know I’m blessed to have him in my life, why I’m I obsessed with some perfect day that’s over in five hours? Please help, has anyone gone through this? <strong>I know we could wait say three more years but we want to have kids soon and I canst see spending the money it would take for a dream wedding once we have kids.</strong>
Posted by Kcjones[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1) I have not been dreaming about my wedding since I was a little girl. the years of wedding shows and bridal mags just sounds like insanity to me. </div><div>2) It sounds like you are living beyond your means. You should concentrate on financial planning rather than having a huge wedding. Your mortgage should be no more than 30% of your gross income, and you should really try to keep it low enough that you can keep up on payments with one income. You may want to consider trying to sell your house, and buy something smaller/more manageable or rent util you are financially secure. </div><div>3) focus on paying your bills/mortgage and set up a savings account  for emergencies - cut out anything unnecessary - cell phone, cable, dinner out, movies, A BIG EXPENSIVE WEDDING etc. </div><div>4) You don't mention if you work, but one or both of you may want to consider taking on a second job to pay the bills and build a savings account. You should really try to keep 3-6 months worth of living expenses in savings in case something (like a layoff) occurs.</div><div>5) Consider having a JOP wedding (if nothing else, for the benefits), and a big 10th anniversary party if you can afford it at that point. </div><div>6) Consider therapy for your wedding obsession issues. </div><div>6) DO NOT HAVE KIDS UNTIL YOU ARE FINANCIALLY STABLE. </div><div>
</div><div>my DH was laid of 2x last year, and despite being down to one income for about 10 weeks (combined - 8-9 for the first, 1-2 for the 2nd), we continued to add to our savings account every month. We're currently relocating for my job, and expecting our first child - as of right now, DH has no job lined up in our new location. We made sure that we have a very affordable new mortgage, and additional savings to cover a few months worth of expenses until he secures a new job. </div><div>
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Mrs.Thistletwat

You said you're drowning in debt. That's something that you put first before planning a wedding. That's something you need to address before even contemplating more than a JOP and courthouse.

Honestly - do you want to BE married or just GET married? There is a big difference.

katorigasuki

your "problem" is a lack of realism.  even if you did have the $$ to have your "dream" pretty princess day, you are a perfect candidate for post-wedding depression. 

get over yourself and start living in the real world.  have the wedding you can afford.  or like zilla says, if you're more interested in the fantasy of getting married than the marriage itself, then you have bigger problems.

C&S1030

But Barbie, it's no fun living that way!

::stomps feet::

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:e6913e61-7d7a-47dd-a9d0-85d35b5e287ePost:c12a8299-ebe8-4b5a-9ce1-253890fc66de">Re: Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]But Barbie, it's no fun living that way! ::stomps feet::
Posted by C&S1030[/QUOTE]

<div>apparently OP would rather live out of a cardboard box on a street corner than have a wedding that costs less than $25K. Oh well, i guess this will at least keep people with wedding-related jobs employed. </div><div>
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princesspgd

I was dreaming of a huge expensive wedding, but right now on my FI's income I scaled back. A LOT! There are plenty of things you can do that don't cst very much! And honestly, what is a wedding but an excuse for everyone you know and love to get together and party? My BM is helping offset the cost of my dress and accessories and we are having the JOP marry us instead of getting married in the church where my parents did (which is what I originally wanted). You could have it in a loved one's backyard and save a TON of money on rental fees! Have family members help out with cooking instead of getting it catered. I know it's probably not what you dream of, but its reality. Sometimes you have to "take one for the team" for the sake of the wedding so you can officially spend the rest of your life with the one you love! There are more important things in life than 1 day. I know it's your and you FI's day, but sometimes the best weddings can be the smaller, more intimate ones. No one else cares how much you spend on your wedding when then go to it, so why make such a big deal over making cuts?

Kcjones

Thanks for the advice princesspgd   I think that is the road we will take. I hope you have a great day!