Wishy Washy Bridesmaid

lporior

I asked my bridesmaids to stand in our wedding  about a year and a half before the date. We all went dress shopping in December and the girls all decided on a dress that they liked and agreed was financially acceptable. (Yay!) All of my bridemaids have ordered their dress but one. I have been trying to subtly hint to her that she needs to her order her dress asap but that didn't work. About two months ago, she promised me that she would order her dress in two weeks when she got her next paycheck. A month after, she had still not ordered her dress and I spoke to her again about it and she said that she was planning on going the following Tuesday to order her dress. The day came and went and still, no dress ordering. I finally spoke to her again, and sincerely told her that if she couldn't be a bridesmaid, for any reason, I would understand and be completely ok with that, I just need to know where she is at.  She has assured me that she will definitely order her dress this Monday when she gets her next paycheck, it's just that her boyfriend planned a surprise vacation for them (again) and she can't order it until she gets paid again. I am getting a tiny bit frustrated and don't know what to do. She has always been like another sister to me and I don't want to come off as a bridezilla.

Also, I did not ask my future sister in law to stand in the wedding because we have rarely spoken to each other and my fiance said that he didn't think it would be a big deal to her.I now know that both she and my fmil are pretty insulted that I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid. Also, we have gotten to know each other better since I asked all the bridesmaids to stand and I am feeling more and more guilty that I didn't ask her. I want to ask her to be a bridesmaid if my friend fails to come through again on Monday but I don't know how to ask her without making her feel like she is just a stand in.

I know that no matter what, I could make either of them a bridal attendant.

I have always been the kind of person that strives to keep the peace and avoid confrontation. It is also very important to me that everyone be as happy with the outcome of everything as possible. I am finding it very difficult to make that happen this time around. I would hate for our wedding to result in hard feelings in my family. I know I will have to wait until Monday before I make any decisions but suggestions would be most welcome at this time for how to appropriately handle the situation. Any thoughts? Thank you!

GBCK

if you want SIL to be a BM, do it regardless of what happens w/ friend--actually do it before you know about friend. 
(being asked to be a BM because you've grown in your relationship?  that's sweet.
Being asked to be a replacment BM because sides are uneven and first fiddle isn't playing nice?  taht's calling someone 2nd fiddle and is insulting.
You're suggesting doibng the latter and you shouldn't)

And really, the rest of the dresses are ordered, right?
what happens if she waits?
she either pays a rush fee or she doesn't get it in time...that's HER problem.  Wash your hands of it.  She knows you want her to order it, the onus is on her--just step back and don't micromanage this.

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wishy-washy-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:ea0bb6c8-9173-40aa-a626-13ebb34ae612Post:71846c69-ba40-45c2-b98f-e6117e90fdc7">Wishy Washy Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked my bridesmaids to stand in our wedding  about a year and a half before the date. We all went dress shopping in December and the girls all decided on a dress that they liked and agreed was financially acceptable. (Yay!) All of my bridemaids have ordered their dress but one. I have been trying to subtly hint to her that she needs to her order her dress asap but that didn't work. About two months ago, she promised me that she would order her dress in two weeks when she got her next paycheck. A month after, she had still not ordered her dress and I spoke to her again about it and she said that she was planning on going the following Tuesday to order her dress. The day came and went and still, no dress ordering. I finally spoke to her again, and sincerely told her that if she couldn't be a bridesmaid, for any reason, I would understand and be completely ok with that, I just need to know where she is at.  She has assured me that she will definitely order her dress this Monday when she gets her next paycheck, it's just that her boyfriend planned a surprise vacation for them (again) and she can't order it until she gets paid again.<strong> I am getting a tiny bit frustrated and don't know what to do.</strong> She has always been like another sister to me and I don't want to come off as a bridezilla. Also, I did not ask my future sister in law to stand in the wedding because we have rarely spoken to each other and my fiance said that he didn't think it would be a big deal to her.I now know that both she and my fmil are pretty insulted that I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid. Also, we have gotten to know each other better since I asked all the bridesmaids to stand and I am feeling more and more guilty that I didn't ask her. <strong>I want to ask her to be a bridesmaid if my friend fails to come through again on Monday but I don't know how to ask her without making her feel like she is just a stand in. I know that no matter what, I could make either of them a bridal attendant.</strong> I have always been the kind of person that strives to keep the peace and avoid confrontation. It is also very important to me that everyone be as happy with the outcome of everything as possible. I am finding it very difficult to make that happen this time around. I would hate for our wedding to result in hard feelings in my family. I know I will have to wait until Monday before I make any decisions but <strong>suggestions would be most welcome at this time for how to appropriately handle the situation.</strong> Any thoughts? Thank you!
Posted by lporior[/QUOTE]


1) Assuming your bridesmaid is a responsbile adult (which may be a stretch here) you do nothing. She can order the dress whenever the hell she wants, provided she is wearing it on the day of the wedding. Stop harassing her. If she shows up the day of the wedding and you want to <strong><em>*demote*</em></strong> her to bridal attendant status because she couldn't manage to get her dress - that's your call, but be prepared to lose a friend.
2) You are treating fSIL as a potential <strong>stand-in</strong>, so there's really no way to spin it otherwise - rather than just asking her to be a bridesmaid (or telling your FI to have his sister stand up with him, if he's worried about her being in the bridal party), you are asking her to <strong>replace </strong>irresponsible bridesmaid. <strong>There is no positive outcome to this situation, and asking her to be a "bridal attendant" sounds like it's akin to asking her to be a slave for the day - both options are rather insulting to fSIL.</strong>
3) Chill. You didn't mention when your wedding is, but you need to stop worrying about babysitting everyone else, and focus on your relationship with your FI, and the future of your lives together. Things will either come together or they won't, and it's not worth worring about "what-ifs".

lporior

You are TOTALLY right. I just called my sister-in-law (because she lives about four hours away) and had a great talk with her. She is extremely excited and so am I. No more wishy washy bride. I feel so much better having just stepped up and made a decision.
 I know I will still worry about my friend ordering in time and even though I don't believe I ever "harassed" her about it, I will just let it go. I know that our friendship is mature enough that I don't have to worry about losing a friend no matter what decision I make.
Our wedding is August 28th and I know that it is going to be an amazing start to the rest of our lives.

Thank you very much to both of you for your advice. I really do appreciate it!