Wedding Woes

His family is running away with my wedding...

So we've been engaged for 2 years and our wedding is coming up in September. I should have nipped this in the bud a long time ago, so I am more than prepared to take responsibility for that, but now that it's getting so close to the wedding I don't know how to handle it anymore!

I'll start from the beginning... So when we started planning, I asked his side and my side each for a list of 60 people that they wanted invited. My fiance and I were each going to invite 20 friends, leaving us with a hopeful guest list of 120 max. His mom handed me a list of 100 guests, and insisted that they all had to be invited. When I told her that we did not have the budget for that, she crossed 5 names off the list, gave it back to me and insisted the remaining guests (a majority of whom my fiance and I do not even know) were very important and could not be left out.

So then, his mother insisted that his sister be my bridesmaid, which I obliged, but every step of the way she has been changing things, not liking the jewellery I picked out, right down to having a bridal shower at my house! (Which I advised them, in no uncertain terms is tactless and I did not want, they planned the whole thing anyway and told me the date).

Most recently, his mother told me she needs to give the seating chart a "final approval" before I am finished and I'm completely fed up. It's MY wedding! I just don't know how to tell her that without ruining our relationship. And it's much too late to change my mind about his sister being a bridesmaid, but is there anything I can do to tactfully get them to step off? Any advice would be helpful!

Re: His family is running away with my wedding...

  • johnniesgrljohnniesgrl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow!! this is tough being your wedding is so close! The best advice I can offer you and let your future MIL look at the seating chart for her guests only. If she has any changes, politely tell her you will try your hardest to accomodate her and make those changes. That would be my response to anything she throws your way from this point on.
    Good luck :)
    ?There are times when a battle decides everything, and there are times when the most insignificant thing can decide the outcome of a battle?
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_his-family-running-away-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:ed11666f-4561-4688-b99f-48c3d7e0c20bPost:68298da7-2864-42a5-911f-cf6887b871fc">His family is running away with my wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]So we've been engaged for 2 years and our wedding is coming up in September. I should have nipped this in the bud a long time ago, so I am more than prepared to take responsibility for that, but now that it's getting so close to the wedding I don't know how to handle it anymore! I'll start from the beginning... So when we started planning, I asked his side and my side each for a list of 60 people that they wanted invited. My fiance and I were each going to invite 20 friends, leaving us with a hopeful guest list of 120 max. His mom handed me a list of 100 guests, and insisted that they all had to be invited. When I told her that we did not have the budget for that, she crossed 5 names off the list, gave it back to me and insisted the remaining guests (a majority of whom my fiance and I do not even know) were very important and could not be left out. So then, his mother insisted that his sister be my bridesmaid, which I obliged, but every step of the way she has been changing things, not liking the jewellery I picked out, right down to having a bridal shower at my house! (Which I advised them, in no uncertain terms is tactless and I did not want, they planned the whole thing anyway and told me the date). Most recently, his mother told me she needs to give the seating chart a "final approval" before I am finished and I'm completely fed up.<strong> It's MY wedding!</strong> I just don't know how to tell her that without ruining our relationship. And it's much too late to change my mind about his sister being a bridesmaid, but is there anything I can do to tactfully get them to step off? Any advice would be helpful!
    Posted by AshleyAngel[/QUOTE]

    Actually it's not just your wedding. I believe you have a gutless FI in there who is allowing his mother to run rough-shod all over the place. He's the one who should be reigning her in; why isn't he?
  • alyssalowealyssalowe member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree.  Its getting too close to get into it with her now. Just "play" nice and brush anything she says or does off. Just say you will do whatever if it works out easy but anything that takes too long or messes with something else flatly say. I'm sorry that wont work out that way, or well since we are the ones gettnig married and paying its really our decision and I dont like that.

    lol, I got into it with my fmil and my fiance backed me up because she was overstepping her bounds. She volunteered to take care of the cake/cupcakes/desert table but then decided if she was paying for it then she got to pick the flavors and ingrediants for it all (she doesnt like chocolate and cant eat things with eggs). Um. I dont think so. Then she wanted to purchase alcohol but we are not having hard liquor and she threw a fit saying if she was paying she wanted stuff she wanted to drink. My response was then buy one bottle for yourself and hide it because we are not providing it. Fiance got it all straightened out that its OUR wedding so its our decision.
  • edited December 2011
    You need to put your foot down now, or she's gonna butt in every chance she gets, even after the marriage. Tell her you've dealt with the guest list. But also ask her if she has any special requirements to let you know and you'll take care of it. Dont involve your FI in it. He wont take sides.
    About the guest list, you cant do anything. You are lucky. In my wedding of 700+ guests, only 40 are friends, 400 my moms, 250 FI's parents, my dad hasnt given his list yet.
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_his-family-running-away-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:ed11666f-4561-4688-b99f-48c3d7e0c20bPost:539cf946-5733-42b3-b741-894aa8ec01ff">Re: His family is running away with my wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]You need to put your foot down now, or she's gonna butt in every chance she gets, even after the marriage. Tell her you've dealt with the guest list. But also ask her if she has any special requirements to let you know and you'll take care of it. <strong>Dont involve your FI in it. He wont take sides.</strong> About the guest list, you cant do anything. You are lucky. In my wedding of 700+ guests, only 40 are friends, 400 my moms, 250 FI's parents, my dad hasnt given his list yet.
    Posted by orlterry[/QUOTE]

    This is horrible advice. Your FI should be dealing with his mother, not you. He's marrying you which means you should come first, not his mother. He's the one who needs to set the boundaries with her, not you. If your FI refuses to get involved because he's too afraid of upsetting mommy, you've got a long life ahead of you of always coming in second to this woman until either she dies or you get divorced.
  • edited December 2011
    Well you will eventually have to set boundaries and fight your own battles. The FI cannot be a middleman in every situation. Your FMIL may come to respect you if she knows you're not a pushover. (She already thinks you are) She's a person too and she's gonna be part of your family soon. But yeah you could ask your FI for his opinion on it, ask if he can intervene.
    Yet you need to be more assertive.  
    Have you watched the movie "Monster-in-law"?
  • AshleyAngelAshleyAngel member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Lol, so much conflicting advice! My FI has basically said that if his mom is being so ridiculous then we should just tell her she can't come to the wedding (and he would do it too, he's fed up with his parents in many different ways, they're a little overbearing to say the least). I advised them today of how we were seating at the ceremony and they started with who can't sit where and what can and can't happen. I feel so lost, but I think I will take the advice given to accomodate where I can and lay down the bottom line in other places. Thanks for your help everyone!
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