What would YOU do?

angeltennis3

My future-inlaws are very kind and wonderful people.  I have always gotten along well with them.  Some of this may be due to the fact that they live six hours away.... 

FI told me a few weeks ago that his parents wanted to throw us a second mini-reception in his hometown when we visit for Thanksgiving for all of the family and family friends that didn't make the trip.  At first, I thought this was extremely generous and kind of them to do.  Then, they told FI to make sure we allocate some of our wedding budget for this reception because they are not going to pay for the whole thing.

Now I know I need to sit down with them and FI and figure out what everyone's vision is and what kind of expense we are talking...and I have plans to do so. 

This is what I want to find out from them:
1)  How much money are we talking?
2)  Who is planning this (me or them)?
3)  What type of feel are we going for (afternoon garden party or a second late night, drinking and dacning reception)?
4)  How many people are we talking?




My main question is twofold:

1)  Can you think of other things I should talk about with my fils before we agree to this second reception?

2)  Would YOU be okay with this?  I'm not really crazy about the second reception idea...but I don't want to start my marraige off with upset FILS when we have such a comfortable relationship so far...

DG1

Then, they told FI to make sure we allocate some of our wedding budget for this reception because they are not going to pay for the whole thing.

What the WHAT?!  Who says "we're going to throw you a party, but you have to pay for it." ?! 

Rude and presumptuous is what it is.  If they want to throw you a 2nd reception, that's a very nice thing. And if they only have the budget to make it a backyard BBQ, that's fine.  But I don't think you should feel obligated in any way to spend even a dollar on this.

If you feel like you need to offer some money just to keep the peace, I think you and your FI need to come up with a number and tell your FILs "We can contribute $X to the reception in <hometown />."  They then know their total party budget (their contribution + yours) and can plan location, guest count, and menu accordingly.

Still, that sets a pretty bad precedent of allowing them to make financial demands of you.  I don't like it.

What does your FI say about all of this?

baconsmom

They don't get to tell you how to spend your money. Period. 

So what you do is have your fiance say, "Oh, Mom and Dad, it's so kind of you to want to celebrate again. I'm sure you understand that since we're hosting the actual wedding reception, we won't be able to contribute to a second party." 

And then change the subject. If you don't stop this now, they'll be telling you which houses to buy and what school to send your kids to and what cars you should be driving - and they'll think, correctly, that you don't mind them doing so, because you let them do it now. 

tesskerr

You are already having a wedding reception, if people can't come, then that is their problem! You can't be expected to pay for another one. I vote for BBQ/lunchtime drinks etc, def not a full night time reception (unless they are paying 99% of it).

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_would-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ed86eff7-a579-49c1-af79-7bd3fd6b76ccPost:5a8349ac-1f0c-4729-a42d-aa2b40aa4083">Re: What would YOU do?</a>:
[QUOTE]They don't get to tell you how to spend your money. Period.  So what you do is have your fiance say, "Oh, Mom and Dad, it's so kind of you to want to celebrate again. I'm sure you understand that since we're hosting the actual wedding reception, we won't be able to contribute to a second party."  And then change the subject. If you don't stop this now, they'll be telling you which houses to buy and what school to send your kids to and what cars you should be driving - and they'll think, correctly, that you don't mind them doing so, because you let them do it now. 
Posted by baconsmom[/QUOTE]

This 100%.

Say no we can't contribute to the party you want to throw for us & change the subject.