Lets try this again, I need help dealing with my family

atbradshaw

I attempted to post about this before and I don't think I was wording my predicament correctly, so lets try this again. I am seekign advice, not pity (though I thank all of you who empathize) I need help dealing with my family. They're very opinonated, very competitional and they're almost mean for sport. I love them but and normally I let things slide to keep the peace but because this is our wedding, I'm trying to put my foot down. I'm a marketing assistant and I love my job, my finace is in nursing school after having been a dog groomer for three years and I couldn't be more proud of his commitment to school. All that being said, I have a family that values one's position in life. My father did well in business, my sister is a doctor, the other is married to a broker on Wallstreet and the other married a doctor. They like to tease me about my "lesser" position but none of that matters until my doctor sister decided to mess things up. My finace and I need to get married on 12-13-14 (or around there) due to his nursing schedual. We haven't put anything on paper though because it's about two years away. Well Dr. Sister met a guy four months ago and all of the sudden she wants that date because that's when her finace (who I've never met!) will be back from doing Missions work in Europe. My family is on her side saying that I should move my date for her convience, that because she works so hard she should have the date. Not to be dramatic but she kind of gets whatever she wants. I just want to know how to deal with this. We need to get married during that time and she simply wants the date because she wants a winter wedding in two years. On top of all of this my family keeps mocking my about my engagament ring. It's a sapphire, and yeah it resemble's Kate Midd's but that's all they say. They openly mock it and say it looks like we can't afford an engagment ring. It's a nice size saphire and he saved up a while to afford it and while it doesn't cost as much as thier Tiffany's rings, I love it. I just need to know how to deal with this, if anyone has been in my situation where your family just doesn't get it or support you - please provide input! 

 

6fsn

1. Your family is a bunch of assholes
2. Your ring is beautiful.

In a normal family I would consider that returning from missions is probably harder to schedule around than nursing school.  I mean, you do have options to get married while he's in school.  It's 2 years away.  Surely there is some other time between now and then.

Your sister is an asshole though.  Will her wedding even happen?  Not saying it won't but it's possible.  Are you willing to alienate the family for this date?  It doesn't sound like your family is all that awesome so it wouldn't be a huge loss.

Lastly, 12-13 is kind of an annoying time.  I'd almost let her have it so I could pick a more convenient date.

beardownbchs

If my family made fun of my ring right in front of me, I'd probably go with something like, "Blow it out your ass" and leave.

Is your family paying for your wedding? If so, then they kind of do have a say in everything, including the date. Try to talk to your parents without anyone else there and tell them you're hurt by their mocking. Basically tell them how you feel and that this date is also important to you. If they can't get their heads out of their asses, decline their money and pay for the wedding you want to have yourself.

If you're paying for the wedding, my advice for you is the same as on the other post - stop talking wedding with these people. Enjoy planning your wedding and don't let them bring you down.

My FI's mother was super rude to me for a while. FI never calls her or goes to see her because of this. Now she's going out of her way to be nice to me. Maybe the less your family sees you, the more they'll see how crappy they've been to you and change it.

VarunaTT

Honestly, all you can do is control you and your reactions to your family.  If you take "wedding" out of the equation, it pretty much sounds like they treate you like schite no matter what.  Adding wedding to that equation isn't going to change the end result.

If you really really really want that date and aren't willing to move it to the "around" there part that you mentioned, just politely say, "I'm sorry, we've already made our decision" and stop talking to them about it.  Change the subject every time or just end the conversation if you have to.  Be prepared for the fits and for the threats, but stand your ground. 

I would also like to add, that I think you might need to see a therapist re: your feelings for your family.  There is a lot of bitterness there, sounds like it's justifiable, but you don't want it to poison other things.  Sometimes you have to make peace and forgive someone with your own feelings so that you can move on and not repeat unhealthy patterns.

As far as your ring (which I think is pretty and it never occured ot me re: Middleton, b/c I'm not OMGWTFROYALS!!!), tell them you like it and since it's on your hand, that's all that matters.  I'd be inclined to start making snarky comments about class and manners and the like, but I think it'd either go over your family's collective heads or backfire.  So, just a, "I'm sorry you feel that way.  I love this ring and I'm proud to wear it" and change subject.

BostonGIrl4732

Until things are booked, neither of you really has the date.  FI and I decided on a date and started planning.  Then we went to the church and our date was already taken.  We had to bump back a week.  We originally wanted the week before because it was the same weekend our the anniversary we celebrate now, when we first started dating, but we let it go because it was more important for us to have the church (where my parents were married and where I was baptized).

Your family really sounds wonderful (/sarcasm) but I would sort of let it go for now until you have things booked.  Who knows if your sister will even end up with this guy?  If they've only been dating for a few months, things could change drastically over the next few years.  It's also probably going to be a popular date so your choice of venues and vendors may be more limited that day...

AddieCake

If my family treated me like that, I wouldn't worry about upsetting them over the date. Start booking things for that date and force your sister not to get everything she wants this time. 

kerbohl

I agree with Addie.  Ignore their craziness and just start booking.  You are planning your wedding, and you shouldn't have to inconvenient yourself this much.  Either that, or have a talk with your sister and try to pinpoint why exactly she would do this to you, because her actions make it seem like she is doing this just to spite you.  And I can't judge, but it might be in her best interest to have a longer engagement if she has only know this man for a short time.  Yes, sometimes you fall in love that fast, but it just seems really suspicious that she just met him, and you get engaged and suddenly she is getting engaged . . . just very very odd.  Also, will that even give her enough time to plan a wedding if he just comes back then?  I come back to Canada in September, and I planned my wedding for next January to give me five months to do some planning, and even that seems really tight. 

*Barbie*

let's try this again. 

if you haven't booked a location/officiant/any vendors, you do not have a date. 

opinions are like assh*les. everyone has them, and generally they stink. if you don't want to hear your family's opinions on your wedding, stop discussing it with them. hang up the phone, walk away if in person, stop responding online. 

given the beebee attitude displayed last week, the mocking is at least somewhat justified. 

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lets-try-this-again-i-need-help-dealing-with-my-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:ee50325f-2ac9-463f-80f4-758a9b40edefPost:71eef596-89f4-4231-a0fc-e4e15234ecd3">Re: Lets try this again, I need help dealing with my family</a>:
[QUOTE]given the beebee attitude displayed last week, the mocking is at least somewhat justified. 
Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

Agree.

I'm honestly waiting for a day when the OP's first post of a thread doesn't involve a photo of her engagement ring with a blurb about how her family makes fun of it for looking like the Duchess of Cambridge's ring.

atbradshaw

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lets-try-this-again-i-need-help-dealing-with-my-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ee50325f-2ac9-463f-80f4-758a9b40edefPost:2344ef58-2b99-472f-98f3-3f02f2e4955e">Re: Lets try this again, I need help dealing with my family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lets try this again, I need help dealing with my family : Agree. I'm honestly waiting for a day when the OP's first post of a thread doesn't involve a photo of her engagement ring with a blurb about how her family makes fun of it for looking like the Duchess of Cambridge's ring.
Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

<div>Why did you two re-respond to this post if you've already restated your peace? I'm looking for help not to brag, as I had to go back and re-clarify that on the last post. I'm sorry but posting a photo of your ring isn't bragging, it's excitment. </div><div>
</div><div>To anyone else - yes I know I need to stop talking to them but imagin cutting ties with your whole family. It's really hard to do. We want to get married around 12/13 because that's when I'll have to take off the least amount of work and he won't have to study due to the holidays. Yeah, it's a crazy time but I've been waiting for three years to marry him and waiting until the following summer is just so far away. I agree with another poster that I could use some therapy =) they drive me crazy but I love them. Normally I forgive and forget but as stated, this just really got to me. Yes, my parents are going to fund the wedding which is why it's tricky. If my sister gets engaged they'll cut me off and give her the date - not kidding. I just had a talk with them about it. It's crazy and I don't know why I do this to myself but I think I might have to cut some ties here and go off and have a small exculusive wedding. It could be more romantic and the people there would actually want to celebrate. Yeah, I agree with another poster that my sis should wait to marry him but she treats marriage like a club she's desperate to join and because she's older she thinks it's ok to rush a wedding. I just don't know why it has to be around the same time. Why can't she do a spring wedding? I can't because I'd take off more time from work. I just don't get it. </div>