I really need a place to talk, sorry if this is long.
I have suffered from depression since I can remember. I didn't have a very happy childhood, had kind of a screwed up family life, and was picked on and bullied throughout most of middle and high school. I became a cutter at age 14 and continued through to age 18.
When I was 19 I married a guy I knew in middle school and reconnected with after moving back here.
He ended up becomming an abusive alcoholic. I stopped haning out with friends, doing things I enjoyed and even wearing clothes I liked because of the way he treated me. When I wore lipstick he rold me I looked like a whore, when I wore bright colours he would make fun of me. He pretty much stripped away what shreds of confidence I had.
After two and a half years, and him slamming me into a wall, leaving bruises all over my back and arms, I left him.
I feel like I have grown up and matured a LOT since divorcing him, I wear clothes that make me feel beautiful, I wear makeup again, and I have more confidence than I ever have in my life.
The problem is I still suffer from severe depression. I will go days without getting off my couch.
My fiance now is everything I could ever hope for. He's kind, intelligent, hard working and understanding. Whenever we have a dissagreement, we calmly talk through it like adults instead of him screaming at me.
This makes me feel self-conscious for entirely different reasons. I feel like I don't deserve him. Like he's too good for me.
He is seriously the only good thing in my life and I feel like that is so pathetic.
I don't want our relationship to be so one-sided, I don't want him to have to constantly pull me up.
I've done counseling, anti-depressents and all that stuff. Some of it works for a short while, but nothing helps in the long run.
Have any of you experienced similar situations? What kinds of things helped you or a loved one get through stuff like this.
I understand logically that if he didn't love me, he wouldn't be with me, but how do I get myself to understand that emotionally?
sorry its so long, I've had a rough couple of days
