Divorced dilemna - FIL's don't understand

MrsJacobs2B

My fiance and I are getting married on a Sunday.  We are having our rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the Thursday before due to scheduling with our venue.  Our rehearsal dinner is going to be small and casual, and just for the people directly involved with the wedding.  My FIL's are also having a large dinner the night before the wedding (Saturday night) to include their family from out of state, which constitute about 90% of their guests.

Here's the problem: they want to invite my immediate family (mother/stepdad and sister) to this dinner, but none of them can come due to previously planned engagements.  My FIL's want to invite my father/stepmom, with whom I have a rocky relationship.  My parents have been divorced for 20 years, and my father has had minimal involvement in my life.

My father/stepmom are invited to our wedding, because that was my choice.  I have decided to be the bigger person and include them in this, and that was my decision.  I do not think it would be appropriate for my FIL's to invite him to this dinner for a number of reasons:

1) Inviting him should be my call, especially since they scarcely know him and they know about our strained relationship.

2) I do not want to go to this dinner because I will be anxious the night before the wedding, and I just want to relax.  I am "obligated" to go, however, and will, but for no more than an hour.

3) The reception should be the place where people can get to know each other and mingle.  If they want to host this dinner for their family, that's fine, but they can get to know mine better at the reception and later on.

My FIL's do not seem to care that this is causing a problem.  They constantly say "But he's your father" even though I hardly consider him that due to his track record.  I feel that if decisions need to be made regarding "family members" with whom I am not comfortable, my wishes should be honored first.

FYI: My FIL's have been married for 35 years and no one in their family is divorced.  They have no idea what it is like to come from a divorced family.

Am I going off the deep end with this?  Or does anyone understand how I feel?

GeauxTigers17

While some of your reasoning is a bit interesting (I don't think there is anything untoward about them mingling with your family prior to the reception) and I think your future in-laws have good intentions, if you are truly uncomfortable with your father being there, I think it is OK to tell them that. I do agree that, given you don't have a good relationship with him, they should defer to your wishes.

Just say "Thank you for offering, but I don't feel it is appropriate for him to be there/having him there would be very uncomfortable for me." Lather, rinse, repeat if necessary. Surely your feelings are important to them? 

You can say "he has not acted like a father to me" if you want to respond to their "but he's your father" comment, but you do not have to explain the mechanics of the relationship if you don't want to. People who grew up with happy families often have a difficult time understanding that it really isn't a petty thing, that it's not easy to reconcile, and that it truly is better to maintain the boundaries you previously established. 

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_divorced-dilemna-fils-dont-understand?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:f6d9e893-95ef-4263-91cc-254549b97d03Post:8581c799-a0c3-41db-bd18-634d1c28b347">Divorced dilemna - FIL's don't understand</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are getting married on a Sunday.  We are having our rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the Thursday before due to scheduling with our venue.  Our rehearsal dinner is going to be small and casual, and just for the people directly involved with the wedding.  My FIL's are also having a large dinner the night before the wedding (Saturday night) to include their family from out of state, which constitute about 90% of their guests. Here's the problem: they want to invite my immediate family (mother/stepdad and sister) to this dinner, but none of them can come due to previously planned engagements.  My FIL's want to invite my father/stepmom, with whom I have a rocky relationship.  My parents have been divorced for 20 years, and my father has had minimal involvement in my life. My father/stepmom are invited to our wedding, because that was my choice.  I have decided to be the bigger person and include them in this, and that was my decision.  I do not think it would be appropriate for my FIL's to invite him to this dinner for a number of reasons: 1) Inviting him should be my call, especially since they scarcely know him and they know about our strained relationship. 2) I do not want to go to this dinner because I will be anxious the night before the wedding, and I just want to relax.  I am "obligated" to go, however, and will, but for no more than an hour. 3) The reception should be the place where people can get to know each other and mingle.  If they want to host this dinner for their family, that's fine, but they can get to know mine better at the reception and later on. My FIL's do not seem to care that this is causing a problem.  They constantly say "But he's your father" even though I hardly consider him that due to his track record.  I feel that if decisions need to be made regarding "family members" with whom I am not comfortable, my wishes should be honored first. FYI: My FIL's have been married for 35 years and no one in their family is divorced.  They have no idea what it is like to come from a divorced family. Am I going off the deep end with this?  Or does anyone understand how I feel?
Posted by MrsJacobs2B[/QUOTE]

Where the hell is your FI in all of this? He should be telling his parents to back the fcuk off and respect your wishes.