idkiwp: baby at a rest stop

hmonkey

omg, you guys.  i don't know when they started doing these again but holy moses.  these got GRAPHIC, yo.

okay so stasi (... i know) and her husband chris met in like high school and got married like they day they were legally able to so you know it's smarts all around.  oh, and because they have a case of the poors (chris is a line cook and stasi (SIGH @ that name) works part time), they live with stasi's mom.

because the economy is in the toilet (thanks, OBAMA), chris convinces stasi that, three little pigs-style, that they should go out and seek their fortune in the world -- in washington, specifically.  omg you guys, portlandia is right -- washington is where 20yos go to retire. 

in order to reduce expenses, chris and stasi take only what they can fit in their car. they start by getting rid of their clothes.  some of stasi's jeans do not fit!  whoa.

baconsmom

Isn't the Stasi some sort of Gestapo-like organization? Or is it spelled differently? 

AuntFlo

Is it pronounced Stacy?

hmonkey

during the summer, they have a bbq and stasi feels a little rumbly in the tumbly, pooh bear-style.  she blames the macaroni salad.  dude -- your husband is a cook and the one doing the grilling.  maybe it's not obama -- maybe your husband is bad at his job.

so they finally leave and they go out to find their house built of straw. during the drive, stasi says she has the megapoops, so they pull off to a rest stop. she has difficulty passing it (girl, i know), and she calls out for chris. chris decides to be the bobby to her whitney (if you know what i mean, and i will pray for you if you do) but it's not a poop.  it's something else and stasi sends chris off to call the 911 on the pay phone (younger folks, i can explain that term if you have questions) because their cell phones don't work in this remote area.

stasi starts to ... uh, till the field in her ladygarden and discovers something. it's hard and freaks her out. so she takes a minute to gather herself and then horks around a little more down there.  and feels a foot.

hmonkey

baconsmom -- YES.  it's spelled the same way and it was the secret police in east berlin.  and yes, pronounced "stacy."

back to our heroes.

OKAY.  SO THEY SHOW HER BLOODY THIGHS AND THEN A TINY FOOT POKING OUT BETWEEN.

cut back to chris, who looks like a ginger scott ian from anthrax. he's on the phone, and is all "she's screaming a lot.  no, i don't know where we are.  hold on, she's screaming something." meanwhile, there is the most texas chainsaw massacre screams in the background.

back to stasi and more bloodiness coming out of her vajooge. most of the kid is out but it's head is stuck.  so it's just .. dangling.  YES THEY USED THE WORD DANGLING. 

psa: the word "dangling" should be used to describe participles, delicious low-hanging fruit and bits -- and never, ever in reference to something being expelled.

VarunaTT

I don't my stomach is recovered enough from yesterday for this.  *barf*

AuntFlo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_idkiwp-baby-at-a-rest-stop?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:f7e17fa6-3b5f-4f06-bbb2-3d75b865386dPost:d2f704f5-2362-4cd1-b283-0a4b7c4d54cf">Re: idkiwp: baby at a rest stop</a>:
[QUOTE] uh, till the field in her ladygarden and discovers something. it's hard and freaks her out. so she takes a minute to gather herself and then horks around a little more down there.  and feels a foot.
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

Faints.

hmonkey

trucker shawn shoes up. he just wanted to have a quick pooper and then back on the road when ginger scott ian comes at him and he hears murdering in the lady bathroom. a trucker's life is hard enough, what with nyc banning large sodas. and now this.

chris is freaking the freak out, and shawn toddles back to his truck and gets a towel. meanwhile, 911 is telling chris valuable advice like "don't let her get back on the toilet."  oh, and then ob/gyn of doom comes on and is all pinch-faced, "having a baby in a non-sterile enviroment is real bad, mmmkay?"

chris chucks the towel at stasi, and then tells her, "you have to get up!  you have to save ... (dramatic pause and music swells) OUR BABY."  then stasi gets all thebump and says, "i knew i had to do it. it hurt so bad but it was MY BABY."  so she braces herself against the door of the stall and pushes, and the baby plops out onto the towel.  i magine it looks a litlte like the scene in austin powers where mini-me is birthed in shadow.

the baby is not moving or breathing. stasi and chris consult their mensa handbooks and cannot find the relevant passages.  oh, curse you, indexer! you should always use article topic as well as article name!

shawn is there and gives the baby a little push on its belly and it starts to cry. stasi gets all thebump again and says, "as soon as i heard it cry, i felt all pain leave my body." and i guess her vagina just sewed itself back up.

hmonkey

ambulance shows up and they take her to the hospital -- NINETY MILES AWAY. so it's an hour plus of driving. baby is like 4 pounds and change and is cold, so he is all baked potato foil-wrapped.

stasi is beating herself up, "if i had known i was pregnant, i would have done all the right things! i would have taken care of myself!" girl, stop. you should just do that anyway because you are worth it, even if you name is spelled "stasi."

baby turns out just fine. they take him home a little while later.

btw, they mustr have sold their story to idkiwp in like record time because the baby was still under 10 pounds when they filmed the family together. oh, and they didn't move to washington so they could be near their families. and also probably because the hospital bills forced them to sell everything they had.

and that is why women's healthcare issues are everyone's healthcare issues. 

baconsmom

As soon as I heard my kid cry, I fell asleep. 

"Stasi". Yeah. Your parents are winners. 

*Barbie*

did Stasi's baby have a YOUNEEK name? 

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_idkiwp-baby-at-a-rest-stop?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:f7e17fa6-3b5f-4f06-bbb2-3d75b865386dPost:f9eafcaa-8bf2-480f-8c01-5da43d99bbe4">Re: idkiwp: baby at a rest stop</a>:
[QUOTE]and that is why women's healthcare issues are everyone's healthcare issues. 
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

Hmo, I have never loved you more than I do at this moment.  I popped in to check the WW news, and found this delicious morsel.  Thank you, and God bless.

zsazsa-stl

LOVE!  I saw this episode and remember the foot because the foot will always be with anyone who saw this.

NOLABridesmaid

Yes, I saw it too. I love the Whitney/Bobby reference. I think I'm still in shock from that one. Crack is Wack for reals.