Wedding Woes
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Fiance's family not coming to wedding! **LONG VENT STORY**

So when my fiance and I got engaged, my parents insisted that the wedding will be done in my hometown where I grew up.  I have moved away from home 6 years ago and live a 2 hour drive away from them.  Nevertheless, the tempting offer of my parents helping to pay for the reception triumphed and we're getting married in my hometown.  The issue is my fiance's family - not his parents, but his aunts, uncles, and cousins.  We both live in the same city which is 2 hours away from my family and 5 hours away from his family/hometown.  We thought we would have the wedding here so that it's a great halfway point for everyone to travel.  But since that didn't pan out, my fiance's family are debating whether they should make the long road trip (if you follow the math right, it'll be a 7 hour drive) for our wedding in my hometown.  

It's concerning that they won't make the effort to come.  A bunch of other factors also play too...the fact that we're getting married in a Catholic church (I am, he's not), the fact that we're not having a boring meat and potatoes dinner but a full-blown 10 course chinese meal, and yes, the distance.  I've been working hard to get them to book hotels early (with the special rates I got for them too) and every so often, airlines have great great deals from his hometown to mine.  We're having our wedding on the long weekend so that people can travel...so no excuses!  

I have family all over Canada and they're making the trek to come to our wedding and meeting my fiance for the first time.  Ever since we got engaged, I've been noticing more and more how *whispers* stuck-up his family is, while braving a nice smile to mask it.  I couldn't even ask my fiance's cousin's little daughter to be my flower girl because "it may upset the other cousins that their children won't be in the wedding party"...fiance's words..."so it's better to not ask them at all..." (the problem with that is: they're all older children...they CAN'T be all flower girls and ring bearers AND that's waaaaay too many children to consider for junior bridesmaids/groomsmen)...so I ended up asking my own cousins who are also the perfect age to be child attendants.  What I'm afraid most now is that his family will hunt me down demanding why they're children weren't even asked...my fiance said they'll have to go through him first...but still..

NOW...fiance told me to keep a date in mind to go back to his hometown so all the women in his family can throw a bridal shower for me. I was super excited and just honored that they would do that for me!  Except, fiance said, it's a chance for his grandmother to join in on the festivities because she most likely won't come to our wedding (health problems and very weak...understandable).  Then he added, "...and probably for the rest of them who won't come to the wedding..." So now I don't even want to come to my own shower...because then that will give his family a home-free card for not coming to the wedding.  Every time we go back to his hometown for family functions, everyone asks about the wedding and seemed genuinely excited to come...why couldn't they be more upfront with me about it?  What hurts the most is them not making an effort...sure, my fiance is among the last to get married in the family...but still...my family from all over the country is coming.  I've nearly bent over backwards to make sure my out of town guests (re: his family) will be taken care of when they come to our wedding...from hotels, to cute gift baskets that I'll be handing out, to shuttle services provided by my own family, and on and on...I just made newsletters on hotel and flight information...now I'm just wondering if I should just throw them all away.

Most brides are praying that not alot of people show up so that they can stay within budget...I'm trying to get all my guests to come!  I'll be married into this family after all...I don't want this to tamper the start of becoming a family.  What do you guys think?  Am I wanting too much? I have 6 months to woo them over!
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Re: Fiance's family not coming to wedding! **LONG VENT STORY**

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    SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Most of my family is driving 7 hours, or flying to come in for the wedding. All of FI's family has to fly. If they want to come, they will come.

    Either way, you wil have invited them and therefore expressed your wish for them to be with you on this day. If they decline, its their own business. Its great that they want to throw a shower for you, but be sure to invite everyone to the wedding who is invited to the shower.

    Realize that you can't control other people, only the way you react to them. Keep it cool, tell them you'll miss them, and then move on with it. And let your FI deal with his family. He knows their dynamics better than you do.

    FWIW, I'd travel 7 hours for a 10 course Chinese dinner. In a heartbeat! Good Luck!
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    edited December 2011
    They haven't declined your invitation yet. It may be a hardship for some of them to do the 7 hour drive, or pay airfare, but that doesn't mean none of them will go.  If his family has given you the impression that they are excited about your wedding, maybe your Fi is making the wrong assumption. Send out those newsletters and see what kind of feedback you get.

    For those who can't make it, the shower will be an opportunity for them to celebrate with you. Please, just go and enjoy it.
                       
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    e_ueckere_uecker member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    A seven hour trip isn't that horrible. I can see how they might kick their feet. My FI's family is traveling 14 hours. We once drove 12 hours to a friend of FI's wedding. Maybe they're just bummed that it wasn't where they wanted the wedding. It can be sticky when the bride and groom are from different places sometimes.
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    felicia220felicia220 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Like others have said, maybe they are just bummed it isn't near them and not so much that they aren't making an effort.  I think you should still send the newsletters.  They all may change their minds about it.  And if anyone asks about the flower girl deal, just tell them the truth.  That FI thought that it would offend others if you had asked some to be a part of the wedding.  (I know it may seem like you throwing him under the bus, but FIs have a way of creating more drama then they need to) Next time you don't know what to do about something regarding his family, ask your FMIL, thats what I do.  This way if anyone asks she can tell them how sweet you were for being so concerned about their feelings. Also I think the shower is a great way for you to see those who will not be able to make it, and maybe even change some of their minds about not coming.  When they see how excited and grateful you are for them throwing you a shower they may not be able to resist coming to the wedding.  It will all work out sweetie.  And for those who don't come, you just have to let it go and enjoy the guests who did.
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    duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you invite them, you have done your part.  You cannot control their actions.  If they decide not to attend that is their loss and not your concern. 

    As for the shower, they haven't declined to attend your wedding yet.  All you've heard so far is gossip so I really see no reason why you shouldn't accept their shower offer.  It is possible that they will decide they want to attend the wedding.  Don't decline because of something they haven't even done yet.  And, even if they don't attend the wedding, at least they want to be involved and a shower may be a nice way to include them.
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    dawn4433dawn4433 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not sure how your FI is but if he is anything like mine he often "misinterprets".  He just doesn't get it and when he attempts to relay information he gets it wrong and I get upset but most of the time it's a miscommunication problem. 

    Go with how you feel about the family and if they seem genuinely interested and excited-- Believe it!! It's better than believing your future inlaws are two faced.. :)
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    edited December 2011
    Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement!  I'll send out the newsletters soon and I guess I'll just have to schmooze the ladies at the shower to come to my wedding!

    Whoever posted that FI can stir up drama more than they want to...that is SO true!  I love this guy to bits but he can jump into assumptions too quickly.  He talks to his parents every week and I'm thinking that's where the wedding talks take place about whether his family will come or not.  It just makes me sad because I know he's pretty bummed that his family might not come, thus making his side at the ceremony a little barren.  For that reason, I'm not having ushers so that guests can sit wherever they want at the ceremony.

    I will win them over with my charm! Wish me luck! Smile
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    GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm going to agree, quit basing this on gossip

    And when you talk about people attending/not attending, what people are you talking about?  Because I would, of course, drive/fly/whatever to the ends of the globe to attend my sister's wedding.  Of my *counting on fingers* 37 or so cousins?  There are probably TWO who I would drive 7 hours for the wedding. 
    There's nothing wrong w/ the other 35 cousins--if their wedding was local, I'd go.  I'd go to the shower. Regardless, I'd send a gift.  But I'm not close enough to send a gift AND give up 17 hours of my time (not counting the expense in gas/hotel/etc which refuigures that) to be there on 'their day'.

    You can and should invite these people.  It'd be great to send the the information you have.  But unless these are BFF as well as relatives, you need to keep in mind what you're asking is BIG for a lot of people and keep in mind that these people likely are NOT making the associations you are--they don't see attendance of your wedding as a guage of affection/involvement--don't try to force your view of it onto them.
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