His friends and siblings don't like me

mrsgleason

We've been dating for two years, and just got engaged a month ago.

His parents adore me. They threw us an engagement party at their house. His aunts and uncles, and anyone else older than us from his side of the family are wonderful, polite, respectful, and everything you could want for in-laws. His father treats me like I'm his daughter.

Unfortunately, I met most of his friends for the first time at this party, and I accidentally thought one of his friends was a groomsmen, and he wasn't. Embarassed, everyone told me to let it be, it was an honest mistake. This person proceeded to insult me in front of my mother, and my mother watched while his siblings proceeded to join in on the bullying.

Afterwards, they brought out champagne for us and some people gave small speeches. His sister blatantly left me out of her speech, talking about how amazing her brother was and didn't say a word about me. It was so uncomfortable that one of his friends chimed in, "And the bride is awesome too!"

I'm not sure how to proceed. I don't expect to be friends with his siblings, but I do want them to respect me, at least as their brother's wife. How do I approach this? Do I talk to them privately with or without my fiance? Do I talk to them at all? Do I kill them with kindness? I don't care what people think about me, but it's hard for me coming from such a close-knit family. I can't imagine not being at least amicable with his immediate family.

Help!

MrsMyrtle

Sounds like you're being oversensitive.

Also, how do you date someone for two years before meeting their friends?

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_his-friends-siblings-dont-like?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ff511c18-0f98-40a1-90d0-5018c9234d19Post:2c7e8b55-dcd7-4550-9167-78c600d30705">Re: His friends and siblings don't like me</a>:
[QUOTE] Also, how do you date someone for two years before meeting their friends?
Posted by MrsMyrtle[/QUOTE]

I was wondering the same thing.  I think I met 90% of DH's friends w/in the first two months of dating him. 

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_his-friends-siblings-dont-like?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:ff511c18-0f98-40a1-90d0-5018c9234d19Post:f71ff846-c774-4ac9-993b-fb48cd047803">His friends and siblings don't like me</a>:
[QUOTE]We've been dating for two years, and just got engaged a month ago. His parents adore me. They threw us an engagement party at their house. His aunts and uncles, and anyone else older than us from his side of the family are wonderful, polite, respectful, and everything you could want for in-laws. His father treats me like I'm his daughter. <strong>Unfortunately, I met most of his friends for the first time at this party</strong>, and I accidentally thought one of his friends was a groomsmen, and he wasn't. Embarassed, everyone told me to let it be, it was an honest mistake.<strong> This person proceeded to insult me in front of my mother, and my mother watched while his siblings proceeded to join in on the bullying.</strong> Afterwards, they brought out champagne for us and some people gave small speeches.<strong> His sister blatantly left me out of her speech, talking about how amazing her brother was and didn't say a word about me.</strong> It was so uncomfortable that one of his friends chimed in, "And the bride is awesome too!"<strong> I'm not sure how to proceed. I don't expect to be friends with his siblings, but I do want them to respect me, at least as their brother's wife. How do I approach this? Do I talk to them privately with or without my fiance? Do I talk to them at all? Do I kill them with kindness? </strong>I don't care what people think about me, but it's hard for me coming from such a close-knit family. I can't imagine not being at least amicable with his immediate family. Help!
Posted by mrsgleason[/QUOTE]

1) this strikes me as a red flag - you have been together for 2 years and you are just now meeting his friends? why is that?

2) this doesn't make any sense to me - what does it matter that he said something to you in front of your mother? what did he say? did you respond in any way when you felt bullied? what did your FI do about it? (if your FI could tell that you were upset by his friend, he should have told him to lay off, at a minimum - if not, red flag)

3) what was his sister supposed to say about you? what's wrong with her talking about what a great brother she had? maybe she doesn't particularly like you, and figured it was best not to say anything at all rather than fake gush.

4) you don't proceed. if something that your FI's friends or family did upset you, you need to talk to him about it, and let him decide the best path forward. If your FI wants to talk with someone about it, he will.  I would say that you need to continue to be friendly, or civil at a minimum. People will only respect you if they feel you deserve it - and maybe these people don't feel you deserve it.

ETA - also, you sound like a bit of a crybaby in your post - you really need to get over it.

ReturnOfKuus

I don't see much here indicating that they don't like you, except some boorish behavior at a party from a few people.  And yeah, didn't you think it was strange that you hadn't met any of his friends in the two years you dated?

mrsgleason

We dated long distance for the majority of our relationship. His groomsmen were mostly in the military and live all around the country. That's why I've only met three of them and not the other 5.

My fiance said something to the friend that made the comments. I didn't think it was necessary to post what specifically he said.

I don't appreciate being called a crybaby. I'm not rolling around wailing going "woe-is-me". I just wanted some advice. Simply saying, "Hey, doesn't seem like a big deal, leave it alone" would have been fine.

ReturnOfKuus

Are you still long distance?  How much time at a stint have you spent physically together?

mrsgleason

We've been living together for the last 6 months. We would spend every other weekend together when we were dating.

EDIT: I should mention he moved to my area, so we are far from his friends and family.

baconsmom

Is anyone else thinking the friends and siblings were all, "One of these days, one of these days - POW! right in the kisser!"?

Just me? OK then. 

ReturnOfKuus

hee!  Maybe that was the bad comment!

mrsgleason

This clearly wasn't the place to ask for advice on this matter. 

Thanks anyways, I will take the actual advice that was given - I probably am looking too far into it. Good luck with your weddings.

missmckenzie2

I think I would leave it be for now! There is obviously something about you the FI likes and in the end that is all the matters, hopefully in time they will see the same thing! If you try to force it or make a big deal over it it might make it worse! If you get to know them overtime and in a normal environment they might some around on their own...

PS I also do not think you were being  cry baby I think you were just looking for some honest advice from people removed from the situation....which I am sure EVERYONE has needed at some point or another

NLewis1

"PS I also do not think you were being  cry baby I think you were just looking for some honest advice from people removed from the situation....which I am sure EVERYONE has needed at some point or another"

PP...I agree....everyone needs advice from people who are removed from the immediate situation. I also dont think it's fair to judge someone's relationship just because it is different from our own and ask questions like "how often have you guys been physically together"...it's not you're relationship so dont worry about it. Go you for standing up for yourself!