Wedding Reception Forum
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Is this ok, or is it tacky and rude?

Ok, we are getting married in Idaho in Aug. I live in Texas until May, and all my family and extended family live in the south. We want a small wedding in Idaho, but i feel rude if i don't invite my extended family, and i at least would like their support (and gifts) at some sort of shower or reception...so how am i supposed to go about this? My family is in the south, his family is in Washington, and our wedding is in Idaho...his portion of the guest list is very short, so i'm assuming all of them will be there, or at least be invited...i'm moving to Idaho in may so i'm thinking maybe a reception/shower before i move for all my family down here in the south? That way i get to see them all before i move, and i still get their support and me and my future hubby still make out well as newly weds in the gift department? is this a absolutely horrible idea? am i being tacky? please help me on this one ladies, i'm trying to work on a guest list but i'm stuck on this, if i do have the mini reception before i move and before the wedding then i wont be inviting half these ppl to the wedding because i know they wont come....ahhhhhhhhhhh help!!!   Yell

PS: i heard this idea was fairly common with ppl who have destination weddings, and in a since, i'm kind of in the same situation.

Re: Is this ok, or is it tacky and rude?

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    IMO it's tacky and rude. There should be no mention of a shower in the above at all... a shower is something someone throws FOR you and you have nothing to do with. If you want to have a mini-reception do so after the wedding, but not before... there's nothing to celebrate since you technically aren't married yet. If you're worried about the number of people/gifts then you should either change your wedding location or be okay should a small amount of people come.

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    If you want a small wedding in Idaho then that is what you get.  You don't throw yourself a shower.  If you want the "support" of your family, then invite them TO YOUR WEDDING. 
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    1. You don't throw your own shower.  You can only have one if someone volunteers to throw one.
    2. Only people invited to your actual wedding ceremony can be invited to a shower.
    3. You can't have a reception before a wedding.
    4. Remember that your friends/family don't owe you any support, which you seem to definte as giving you gifts.  One of the tradeoffs you make when you have a small destination wedding is that you don't get a huge party and a bunch of gifts.

    I do think it would be acceptable to have a going away party before you move to Idaho.  However, there should be no mention of the wedding, a shower/reception, or gifts associated with the going away party.  Also, if you register, you should keep it a small registry and not make it look like you are expecting a ton of gifts from family who aren't invited to the wedding.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_this-ok-tacky-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:1a2704cd-70fb-4c11-a1f5-fb146227f2f7Post:e612ff0a-b4a2-4d6f-9239-a87a27445e91">Is this ok, or is it tacky and rude?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, we are getting married in Idaho in Aug. I live in Texas until May, and all my family and extended family live in the south. We want a small wedding in Idaho, but i feel rude if i don't invite my extended family, and i at least would like their support (and gifts) at some sort of shower or reception...so how am i supposed to go about this? My family is in the south, his family is in Washington, and our wedding is in Idaho...his portion of the guest list is very short, so i'm assuming all of them will be there, or at least be invited...i'm moving to Idaho in may so i'm thinking maybe a reception/shower before i move for all my family down here in the south? That way i get to see them all before i move, and i still get their support and me and my future hubby still make out well as newly weds in the gift department? is this a absolutely horrible idea? am i being tacky? please help me on this one ladies, i'm trying to work on a guest list but i'm stuck on this, if i do have the mini reception before i move and before the wedding then i wont be inviting half these ppl to the wedding because i know they wont come....ahhhhhhhhhhh help!!!    PS: i heard this idea was fairly common with ppl who have destination weddings, and in a since, i'm kind of in the same situation.
    Posted by maggyiris[/QUOTE]

    JIC
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    Ditto PPs.  And from the way you seem to be focusing on gifts, I think you need to get your priorities straight.  You have a wedding to join your life with that of another, not to get a boatload of gifts.
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
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    Ok, i should not have used the word shower in relation to this because i will be having a shower, that WILL be thrown for me, but i know my family from out of state, and i know that as soon as they find out i'm getting married one of the first things they ask is what i want/need. for Christ sake they gave me money at my grandmothers funeral! they are indeed the ones focussed on materialistic things. 
    and guess it'll be ok, i'm having a shower THROWN for me in Texas and also in Washington, one for my family here, and one for my family and his family in Washington....i think the idea just came out of guilt of not inviting my entire family to the wedding, i mean for a small wedding our guess list is at 50 and less than 20 of those are his friends AND family! and thats not even all my family...
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    I was not the one in charge of any of those arrangements and they said to go buy myself something with it, or go out.
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    Why don't you just invite them to the wedding? If they don't show that's their prerogative. Most of the time people who decline to attend a wedding will send a small gift anyway.
    You're already having two showers. Not sure what more you are looking for.
     
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    I don't think you can really accept someone throwing you a shower if people on the invite list will not be invited to the wedding. The proble with your original post is that your focus seems to be on how to get more gifts, not how to include more of the people you love in your wedding.

    Also, accepting money or gifts from people who spontanteously offer it is entirely different from having a shower, for which gifts are pretty much required (or at least guests would feel really akward without one).

    Oh, and if you feel rude for not including them in your wedding, inviting to an event that's NOT your wedding just so you can get gifts from them, really won't help matters.

    If you genuinely know they won't come, why not just invite them and leave that decision up to them?


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    The guest list for any sort of pre-wedding party is limited to the people who will be watching the bit that makes you legally married.  Period.

    Every time you think of your friends and family only in terms of what gifts they're going to get you, God kills a kitten.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    My fiance is from Conn, so much of his family won't be coming down for our wedding in Florida.  However I am still sending them invitations so they can at least be there in spirit and feel loved.  (And I'm not sending it to get presents).

    If you are interested in celebrating with family, why not throw a smaller reception in your home town after the wedding for those who couldn't travel.  Then you could play a video of your wedding or show photos...and it's a great time to wear your dress again.
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    Yes, tacky and rude.  Very tacky and very rude.

    Only people who are invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower.


    image
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    Just call it an Engagement Party - people do that all the time, and it's not considered tacky.
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited November 2010
    I'm hearing retread in my head right now, so I'll say it for her:  the OP is a quintessential gimme-pig mentality.  How very, very sad.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_this-ok-tacky-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:1a2704cd-70fb-4c11-a1f5-fb146227f2f7Post:e86d549a-dce1-4024-8fe1-499189820869">Re: Is this ok, or is it tacky and rude?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just call it an Engagement Party - people do that all the time, and it's not considered tacky.
    Posted by OnMyArm[/QUOTE]


    Umm, you should not invite people to an e-party that are not invited to the wedding.

    You shouldn't throw your own e-party

    And if you even get a gift at an e-party they tend to be bottles of wine or maybe a vase or something.  I have a feeling the OP that's not the type of gifts she is looking for.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    I too come from a bigger family than my fiance.  We also wanted a small intimate ceremony but realized that it was impossible with my large family.  So we opted to have the atmosphere be small and intimate and my mother found the perfect location.  If I were you I'd have the shower/reception and invite everyone as if they can come to the wedding and have a great day
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    There is nothing about this that is okay.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_this-ok-tacky-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:1a2704cd-70fb-4c11-a1f5-fb146227f2f7Post:e612ff0a-b4a2-4d6f-9239-a87a27445e91">Is this ok, or is it tacky and rude?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, we are getting married in Idaho in Aug. I live in Texas until May, and all my family and extended family live in the south.<strong> We want a small wedding in Idaho, but i feel rude if i don't invite my extended family, and i at least would like their support (and gifts)</strong> at some sort of shower or reception...so how am i supposed to go about this? My family is in the south, his family is in Washington, and our wedding is in Idaho...his portion of the guest list is very short, so i'm assuming all of them will be there, or at least be invited...i'm moving to Idaho in may so i'm thinking maybe a reception/shower before i move for all my family down here in the south? That way i get to see them all before i move, and i still get their support and me and my future hubby still make out well as newly weds in the gift department? is this a absolutely horrible idea? am i being tacky? please help me on this one ladies, i'm trying to work on a guest list but i'm stuck on this, if i do have the mini reception before i move and before the wedding then i wont be inviting half these ppl to the wedding because i know they wont come....ahhhhhhhhhhh help!!!    PS: i heard this idea was fairly common with ppl who have destination weddings, and in a since, i'm kind of in the same situation.
    Posted by maggyiris[/QUOTE]

    I stopped reading after the bolded part.
    you said you WANT their GIFTS.
    that's tacky and rude.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_this-ok-tacky-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:1a2704cd-70fb-4c11-a1f5-fb146227f2f7Post:a0a40861-cf19-4cad-924d-a34f082d8707">Re: Is this ok, or is it tacky and rude?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong> I don't think you can really accept someone throwing you a shower if people on the invite list will not be invited to the wedding. T</strong>he proble with your original post is that your focus seems to be on how to get more gifts, not how to include more of the people you love in your wedding. Also, accepting money or gifts from people who spontanteously offer it is entirely different from having a shower, for which gifts are pretty much required (or at least guests would feel really akward without one). Oh, and if you feel rude for not including them in your wedding, inviting to an event that's NOT your wedding just so you can get gifts from them, really won't help matters. If you genuinely know they won't come, why not just invite them and leave that decision up to them?
    Posted by sister2groom[/QUOTE]

    This!!!  When my FI and I decided on a destination wedding, we knew that meant no shower.  I've even declined offers to have a shower thrown for me because it would require inviting people not invited to the wedding....there's not much point in having a shower with the 3 people in the town where I live who will be invited to the wedding.  ONLY people invited to your destination wedding should be invited to shower you with presents.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    a friend of mine wanted to have a destination wedding but not all of her family could come so they got married in town with family and friends and the did a destination vow renewal three months later. maybe you should do something like this to include everyone. but gifts are definitely not a requirement!
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