When to draw the line?

doodlebugs787

My mother in law gave my finance and I a hefty list of 38 family members and 19 family friends when we began planning out 70-90 person wedding.  We have stretched the wedding to fit more guests, but now we are inviting 130 and cannot fit anymore in our venue.  We had to make some cuts to her family friends list, taking it down to all 38 family members and 13 family friends, and choose people whom my finance has not seen in more than 10 years.  Needless to say she is very upset, but how do we explain to her that this is a necessary cut and that we cannot invite everyone?  Are we being too harsh?  It is either we take out some of her friends or we have to cut our friends which we are hesitant to do.  Advice?  

SarahPLiz

Unless she is paying, then the needs to put her big girl panties on and either make the cuts herself or let you make them. Using your venue's capacity is always more rational an argument for upset people than saying you don't want them there. Apparently those people are important to your FMIL.

Since its HIS mother, let your FI deal with it. He needs to tell her that cuts need to be made to fit the venue and either he can do them or she can do them, but they are getting done. Ultimately, you and FI have the final say because you are the ones actually sening out the invites, I assume.

If she is paying and you are not, then you need to make cuts to your list. Money=Power most often in wedding planning.

JaimeeP

This is not harsh. This is simple math. Your venue will hold 130 people at most. You should tell her how many she can invite and let her edit her own list.

aerinpegadrak

I would let her make the cuts herself.  Who knows, perhaps those friends from college are the ones she would prefer to have there over her family.  But, especially if she's not paying, the cuts will have to be made.

If she is paying, then she should get a proportional share of the guest list.  That's one of those perks that fronting the money gets you.

cch923

His mom, his responsiblity to talk to her   But yes, maybe let her make the cut.

Calypso1977

unless your/his parents are paying, you really shouldnt ask for a list from them.  it is your wedding you should have the people there that you want.

if they are paying, then unfortunately they have some say in who tehy want there.  family is probably a given, those folks you probably would have invited anyway, but having their friends there is the biggest issue with parents paying.

chevygrl87

its not about her.its your wedding.

smh8809

We had a similar situation with my MIL.  Both of our families are rather large so inviting aunts/uncles/first cousins alone puts us at close to 200 people.  My MIL gave us a list of about 20 family friends.

My fiance told his Mom that only "x" number of family friends could be invited due to size & finance restraints (the wedding was largely financed by us and my parents).  She initially complied and cut her list down to the number provided.

When it got time to actually send out the invitations she started to pressure me repeatedly to invite four other couples.  Her sister-in-law's parents, sister, and brother-in-law.  The reasoning was that the parents were helping my MIL rent a pagoda at a park (you have to live in the city, my ILs do not) for a family reunion and would feel bad if not invited to the wedding.  And if we invited the parents we have to invite the sister/brother-in-law because they might feel left out (Even though they are in their 50's). 

This is why I had emphasized from the get-go that this family reunion was not a wedding event and the invitations to the family party would not go out with the wedding invitations.  And I have family in the pagoda/park city who would be happy to help rent the space. 

We just had to keep saying no, no, no.  My fiance finally told his Mom to stop calling me for a week (she was calling multiple times a day to ask the same question that we had already denied). 

My advice, stay strong and say no.  Actually have your fiance say no, because it is his mother.  We have an agreement that problems with one set of parents are to be dealt with by the biological child of said parents.

megk8oz

This depends: who's writing the checks? Contributions to the budget=contributions to the final say on things.

If she's footing the bill, then I'm sorry, but she gets a say on this. Just like if your parents are paying, they get "creative control" with the guest list. Your FI can ask her to make cuts due to capacity reasons, but depending on who's bank account is taking the biggest hit here, you might need to make other cuts elsewhere. It's a horrible thing to say, but people are allowed to do what they want with their own money.

If you and your FI are paying for it all by yourselves, then you don't honestly have to invite anybody she's requested (But it's a nice gesture to be a little accomodating).

tommyandy

"FI and I will be happy to put them at the top of the B-list guests & invite them if enough people decline"  This statement will make you the 'bigger man' & shut her up.  If this doesn't work, there is always THE BEAN DIP.

kaynix21

I agree with the PPs.

Even if she is paying, you should probably let her make her own cuts, and just explain to her why they are necessary.

My parents are paying and I had to cut all but one of their family friends off the list (we're talking about 20 people here). I feel bad, but it had to be that way because our venue holds 120, and we have huge families.

I think my dad is a little bummed but he doesn't care much I don't think.

Even with the cuts, we are still only getting to invite about six friends each...