Picking a wedding location

vg527

Help!  I just got engaged.  I live in CA and have a moderate sized family.  My fiance's family is very small and lives overseas.  I am trying to balance me having 100 people to his 6 if I had it local vs a destination wedding (which would cut down my nimbers) but have the added cost of airfare and lodging for everyone.  I would then probably have to do a reception after the fact at home anyway.  Any suggestions?

I was thinking US virgin Islands but that adds up fast unless you just want a quicky ceremony on a beach.  

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_picking-a-wedding-location?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:4ff093f3-948e-46ba-aa12-b9c2bbd781b6Post:f5c793b3-3cb9-4e04-b064-716e784d95d9">Picking a wedding location</a>:
[QUOTE]Help! <strong><font color="#ff0000"> I</font></strong> just got engaged.  <strong><font color="#ff0000">I </font></strong>live in CA and have a moderate sized family.  My fiance's family is very small and lives overseas. <font color="#ff0000"> <strong>I </strong></font>am trying to balance me having 100 people to his 6 if<strong><font color="#ff0000"> I</font></strong> had it local vs a destination wedding (which would cut down my nimbers) but have the added cost of airfare and lodging for everyone. <font color="#ff0000"> </font><strong><font color="#ff0000">I</font> </strong>would then probably have to do a reception after the fact at home anyway.  Any suggestions?<strong><font color="#ff0000"> I </font></strong>was thinking US virgin Islands but that adds up fast unless you just want a quicky ceremony on a beach.  
Posted by vg527[/QUOTE]

<div>There's a whole lot of "I" in this post and no "we."  What does your fiance think?</div>

vg527

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_picking-a-wedding-location?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:4ff093f3-948e-46ba-aa12-b9c2bbd781b6Post:29ad7f57-b71a-4672-9fb6-75cf44ade509">Re: Picking a wedding location</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Picking a wedding location : There's a whole lot of "I" in this post and no "we."  What does your fiance think?
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ok. I guess the knot is not for me.  WE discussed wedding plans and WE decided to try to minimize MY numbers so that HIS family would not be overwhelmed.  WE discussed doing a destination wedding for those purposes and HE said HE would be happy with whereever I wanted.  However HE is overseas and not available to talk to all the time so I thought the knot would be a helpful place to get suggestions and advice. Once I come up with some location ideas WE were going to discuss them to find the best for US.  Sorry if my word choices were deemed wrong and my style of planning due to being long distance doesn't work with others.   </div><div>
</div>

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_picking-a-wedding-location?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:4ff093f3-948e-46ba-aa12-b9c2bbd781b6Post:a0c2ede5-75f3-4c96-92a4-460fcfcf28c6">Re: Picking a wedding location</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Picking a wedding location : Ok. I guess the knot is not for me.  WE discussed wedding plans and WE decided to try to minimize MY numbers so that HIS family would not be overwhelmed.  WE discussed doing a destination wedding for those purposes and HE said HE would be happy with whereever I wanted.  However HE is overseas and not available to talk to all the time so I thought the knot would be a helpful place to get suggestions and advice. Once I come up with some location ideas WE were going to discuss them to find the best for US.  Sorry if my word choices were deemed wrong and my style of planning due to being long distance doesn't work with others.   
Posted by vg527[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Try not to be offended.  Realize that you had ONE post and Drama has been around here for years and years.   I haven't been around as long as she has, but I have seen my fair share of "ME" brides who don't seem to care what their fiance's think.</div><div>
</div><div>It's important that you and your fiance reach this decision together, as it affects both of you.   It sounds like you have discussed it at length.   Many couples have the same problem that you guys do -- families live very far apart, and it's almost impossible to plan something that will please everyone.   Destination weddings are an option.  I would only do this if the two of you WANT a destination wedding.    Otherwise, just get married in whatever place feels right to both of you, and accept the fact that you will never be able to please everyone.  

</div>

DramaGeek

It sounds like you've decided on a destination wedding.  Brilliant!  I don't know much about them since we didn't have one, but lots of brides have.  The only thing I can tell you is to research the area you're looking into and be sure your marriage there will be valid.  Please do not JOP first and then go to your destination "wedding" as it will no longer be a wedding (and yes, that might seem obvious, but you'd be amazed at the number of brides who think this is totally a-ok).

Your best option is probably to check out the DW board

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings

And Avion is right - we see a LOT of brides who come through and flat out don't care what their fiance wants.  Your original post came across as though it's all about you when it's really not.  I was simply asking what your fi thought as that would determine the question you were asking.  Since you both seem to want a DW, I assume the question you're asking is "what are our options for places to get married?"  It could have been that he wasn't into a DW in which case the question might have been "how do we make sure my side doesn't overwhelm his?"

egm900

In Drama's defense, within the past week or two, there was a bride that moved her wedding up a couple seasons after mentioning it to her FI and not getting his opinion/okay to do that.

FI's family and my family live in two different parts of the country.  Because we let people have too much input in the beginning, we're not exactly having the wedding we wanted.  Definitely figure out what you two want before you approach your VIPs regarding where the wedding is held.  If someone else is paying for the wedding, you do need to consult with them, but first have an idea of what you guys want.  Really only the two of you can decide what you really want.

vg527

All I was trying to do was come up with a list of places to discuss with my fiance the next time we are able to skype.  We are paying for the entire thing and while we had initially decided on a VI destination wedding I was feeling guilty about asking our immediate families to pay all the extra money on airfare and lodging to get there.  I was trying to come up with suggestions for other locations that may be cheaper or ways to do it at least local to me but limit my side without hurting feelings.  When he is saying "I am happy with whatever you want for location" and we get to talk for about 20 min maybe every other day, it is hard to really have numerous long discussions on the topic of wedding locations.  I would rather talk to him about how he is doing.  I am glad everyone is jumping to drama's defense but maybe she (he? don't want to assume!) should not assume the worst about posters that have just joined and take it down just a notch. (highlighting all the I's in the post)

If anyone feels like offering suggestions on either cheap destination wedding locations somewhere between CA and overseas (Atlantic) or ways to gracefully not invite large portions of your family to a local wedding.  I would love some helpful and not critical advice. 

karulyne

well, I hesitate to give advice because I don't know your family....are they generally financially able to handle airfare and lodging or is this going to really drastically impact your guest count? Are there any people you would be devastated to not have present that won't likely be able to handle the cost of attending a destination wedding? Is it going to really upset people if you don't have the wedding closer to home? I think a destination wedding sounds fun, but those are the sorts of issues I'd be wrestling with. My whole family lives halfway across the country, so my wedding is a destination wedding for my family despite it taking place 20 minutes from where I live! We thought about having the wedding in my home state but that would impact his family a lot more due to their finances, and the most important family members on my side that I want to be there will be able to fly in anyway. Plus I think it would be stressful planning a wedding where I couldn't actually go to the venue, meet the vendors, etc, so you should consider that as well.

I know your respective guests lists are very lopsided, but I don't necessarily think thats a bad thing if you do have a local wedding and the group is dominated by your side.
Hopefully he has some friends or coworkers or something that can come and add a bit of balance, but even so, I don't think you should not invite anyone just so your list is even, say if you can accommodate 130 guests in your budget for a local wedding and he only has 30 to invite and you have 100...is that really a problem?

fallbride1109

Are you sure his family won't travel to a wedding in the US? 

Basically you just need to decide what is best for you and your budget and your family situation.  If you keep the DW small with family only invited, it is perfectly acceptable to have an AHR (at-home reception) afterwards, but that can be expensive.  You can also have a small local wedding.  It's your wedding, you can invite whoever you want.

If you just got engaged, then don't panic.  Enjoy being engaged for awhile--you don't have to talk wedding stuff right away.  Maybe the next time you see him in person, then you can have more in-depth conversations and just think over your options in the meantime.

vineyard12

I think DWs are great. They work some people and other people, not. My brother and his wife got married on St Thomas. They had looked into local places, but this came out cheaper for them. They invited immediate family and a few friends (closest). In total, there were 10 people. Everyone flew down for the weekend and it was great! The day after the wedding, they headed over to St John for their HM. Though the ceremony was only 10 minutes, we all had a great time and had a nice sit down dinner. Everyone made use of the weekend by exploring. The hotel the wedding was at had a coordinator and they were able to choose their photographer, cake style/flavor, hair and make up, etc pretty easily by phone calls, emails, and internet. They shopped around to different places on the island and found the place that fit within their budget. They had a non-wedding related party later on with friends who couldn't make it.

I also had a DW, and we had 32 guests. We live in MA and had the wedding on Martha's Vineyard, so everyone was required to travel and get a room. Everyone loved it and they spent their down time exploring as well.  We were able to coordinate everything via phone and emails, and everything came out perfectly.

So, DWs can be done from afar. You may want to post on the DW boards and see what people might have to say about specific islands and resorts, etc. It sounds like people are going to have to travel to you regardless, and you'll have to think about who your must have people are (parents, siblings, grandparents,etc). If you decide on a DW, you can always have a non-wedding related party after when you get home. Just keep the list invited to the wedding small.

Good luck on whatever you decide!

vg527

Thanks everyone for your help.  I did just get engaged so there really is time, just varous things in life are putting a bit of a crunch for deciding time.  His one request was to not have the wedding totally lopsided with my family and friends vs his so that is what I am trying to do.  His family is super small and his friends are likely too poor to fly over to any destination wedding, as all are overseas.   So it really would be about 50-75 me (if i did close family and friends only) and 6 him.  Have people found that family (like cousins) tend to be understanding if they aren't invited to a small local wedding?  

I think both immediate families can afford a destination if necessary, I was just haing a wave of guilt expecting people to shell out thousands of dollars just to attend my wedding.  I thought if we did it cheaper and local we could maybe help cover some of those super expensive airfares and find cheaper lodging.  I know it would mean a lot to him to have his close friends there and not tax his families finances.   I am just not sure how to leave out family that would be nearby in a hometown wedding situation.

DramaGeek

Leaving out cousins, and how they'll react to it, really depends on the relationship you have with your families.  In our families, leaving out first cousins would be a huge no-no, but we're also extremely close to our cousins.  Three out of four of the GM were actually H's cousins.

As far as the expense, talk to the VIPs (parents, sibs, etc) about whether or not they'd be able to afford a destination wedding.

Where is his family?  Is there anyplace that would be easier for his family to get to than others?  For instance, I'm thinking if they're in Japan, maybe Hawaii would be easier - things like that.

[Deleted User]

Because we can only afford a small wedding I am only inviting relatives that have been in my life and who I really want there. Therefore, I am not inviting a lot of my aunts and cousins but I'm not that close to them anyways. We can't invite my fiances cousins either. If they ask then explain that its a small wedding and would have loved having them there if you could. 

Would it be cheaper to only pay to fly your fiances family and friends then your side?

P.S. Don't worry about the I's. I write in I's a lot because I am writing the post and doing pretty much all the planning. Once I have ideas (and options) I go to my fiance to make sure he likes it.