incorporating our baby girl, who passed away...

betizzle73

Hi Guys...
My fiance and I are getting married next Nov 20th.. exactly one year after the birth of our baby girl, Olivia. She passed away 3 days later on 23rd. We had been making plans to involve her in the wedding, so I still want to have some things that represent her. We will have a table of pictures set up at the entrance to our reception, and she'll definitely be in some of those.. but I'm looking for something more symbolic, too? Do any of you have any ideas? I would really appreciate ANY suggestions! Thanks Ya'll!

Lasairiona

Be aware that you will have guests who feel it is morbid and inappropriate. She'll be with you in spirit so you don't need to have empty chairs, etc set out for her which will make people feel disturbed.

Marzipan26

I've read of people having a rose stem or flowers on a chair in remembrance of a deceased loved one.  That would be pretty symbolic, without disturbing the wedding atmosphere.  I'm sure you could incorporate her into jewelry, as well.  My heart goes out to you.  I know it'll be a beautiful wedding.

jessieiler

I went to a wedding that the couple had an album of their little girl. She passed away a few days after she was born. There were pictures of them kissing her goodbye when they took her off life support. I was their photographer and had no idea what they had been through. Luckily no one was around when I looked at their album because it made me ball. What a terrible thing to go through! it was a good thing they did what they felt was right for them.

A symbolic thing would be a good thing. Maybe wear a heart locket with Olivia's picture in it. That way she will be a part of your wedding, in pictures and all. You could feel her with you through the day.

Good luck to you and your family. I hope you have a perfect day.

Jessie

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_incorporating-baby-girl-passed-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:85d05d76-76f6-4937-a4e1-addd5c48bef1Post:de3ef36c-129d-4ed7-8412-4eba21b24d9a">Re: incorporating our baby girl, who passed away...</a>:
[QUOTE]I would find obvious gestures pretty saddening at a wedding.  Weddings are already somewhat emotional and the thought of such a sad loss makes me tear up and can get stuck in my mind for quite awhile. Incorporate her in more subtle aspects that are personal to you but not obvious to others - a piece of jewelry with her birthstone, a locket on your bouquet with her picture or footprint inside, a charm with her name and birth date on it on your bouquet or jewelry.  The picture does sound appropriate though if it is incorporated among pictures of you and your FI.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]
Exactly this.  I think most people would find any overt mentions of her very, very depressing.  I really like these suggestions, that way you can still feel like she's with you without bringing anyone else down.

hollieheidi

I agree with gottahaveashorti too.  If you're saying that you just lost your daughter this past Novemeber, then it's only been a few short weeks and I'm sure you are still grieving her loss.  Not to say that time heals all wounds, but I'm sure right now she is consuming your thoughts and your heart.  I think a few subtle dedications will help you to feel like she is still such a special part of your day. 

I like the idea of the pictures, but I think it would look nice as a "family" picture table, I love the idea of the picture in the locket as either the necklace or on your bouquet, a piece of her blanket stitched into your dress or used to wrap your flowers, also I've seen all white bouquets with one single red rose, a memory candle, etc.

Although you will never get over the loss, you will continue to live.  She WILL be there with you even without the physical reminders.  Your love for her will always be there!  I am so sorry for your loss and as the mother of 3 I can't imagine the pain you are dealing with.  We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers!

jessica.lael.wright

this wedding is not about any of the guests but rather about this couple who have suffered an inexpressable loss. people who know them will know that they have lost their child and will understand that they want her to be part of their day. people who dont know them or would be disturbed by their rememberance of the child can suck it up and realize that it is not about them anyway.

Lasairiona

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_incorporating-baby-girl-passed-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:85d05d76-76f6-4937-a4e1-addd5c48bef1Post:792d15a4-c606-4cf7-8501-ba065e77ea53">Re: incorporating our baby girl, who passed away...</a>:
[QUOTE]this wedding is not about any of the guests but rather about this couple who have suffered an inexpressable loss. people who know them will know that they have lost their child and will understand that they want her to be part of their day. people who dont know them or would be disturbed by their rememberance of the child can suck it up and realize that it is not about them anyway.
Posted by jessica.lael.wright[/QUOTE]

A proper host/ess makes sure that their guests are not uncomfortable or otherwise inconvenienced. That includes anything that dampens the mood or depresses the guests. However, people in this day and age don't care about such a thing and do whatever the hell they want without any care or concern toward their guests, claiming that etiquette is outdated because it doesn't fit their personal beliefs.

If the OP wants to honor her deceased baby, that's fine as long as it done *discretely* so guests don't notice  but the wedding is the wrong place and time, especially with the ways that are suggested (having an empty chair set up, etc) that will obviously depress the guests. This is why many people do not feel that memorials are appropriate at weddings because the vibes of each are polar opposites.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]this wedding is not about any of the guests but rather about this couple who have suffered an inexpressable loss. people who know them will know that they have lost their child and will understand that they want her to be part of their day. people who dont know them or would be disturbed by their rememberance of the child can suck it up and realize that it is not about them anyway.
Posted by jessica.lael.wright[/QUOTE]

If I was told by the couple or another guest that a birthstone was used, a bouquet charm, or a piece of a baby blanket used, I might be saddened a bit.  But I would think it was sweet and be happy for the couple again as it is not something that is in eyesight for lengthy periods of time.

Regardless of whether a highly visible remembrance is considered tasteful or distasteful, it may severely dampen the mood of the wedding.  More subtle remembrances should not.

Not everyone is able to fully put away their emotions on command.  The guests probably know the couple well enough that they have some emotional investment in their loss as well. 

templetatum

let me first say how sorry I am for your loss.  I thought  a very sweet way to incorporate her memory into your cerimoney would be in your bouquet. You could place a charm with her name into the flowers or one the stems. This woluld be subtle, but then she would be with you as you walk down the isle.

deepcovejackie

So sorry for your loss.  I wanted to chime in to say that I love the idea of having a memento of your daugher in the bridal bouquet.  A charm or a locket or a photo.  That would be a beautiful way of having her with you.

carmen_hunter10

I just wanted to say that I hope you know that you are not alone. I am having my wedding day on the first birthday of my little boy. He was born July 21st and passed away in September. I will have table of family photos set up, as oppossed to just a table with pictures of him. Although we are going to have one 8x10 of him in the middle. I have a necklace with a silver cross and a silver heart I will be wearing. (His name is engraved on the heart) We haven't really thought about anything else we might do. Or will do. But I hope this helped you. And I'm sorry for your loss. It's a very terrible thing to go through.

chosen175

How about getting some bouquet jewelry in your dd's birthstone?  That will add a little sparkle to your bouquet and you will be able to look down and remember her whenever you wanted.

I agree with pp's that you don't want to overdo it on the memorials, though.  While your grief is very valid and very real, to most of your guests it might appear as though you are turning this into her memorial service all over again and it will make them sad.  You don't want your guests to remember one of the happiest days of your life as a day that made them depressed.  Let them be happy and celebrate your marriage. 

We are adding a line in our ceremony that says something like "Bride & Groom would like to pause to remember those who are unable to be here today and are looking down from heaven on this very special occasion."  A similar line is said in every Catholic Mass so we felt it wouldn't be too far fetched to add it to our ceremony.

I am very sorry for your loss and I hope that as time goes on, the grief will subside for you and your FI.

betizzle73

Thanks for all of the responses ladies! However, All I said was that I wanted something SYMBOLIC... I never said I wanted to over do it or do anything morbid, It's our wedding, not a second funeral for our daughter. I think that giving someone a lecture about etiquette is extremely inappropriate, and I would hope that if your family were to go through a similar tragedy, you would receive a little bit more compassion. To those that gave wonderful, thoughtful suggestions, Thank you!

The nurses made a tiny bow for her hair, i think it's in the picture in my sig, and I'll have that tied to my flowers.... other than that, I'm just wearing a necklace made from her birth stone, and we will have a candle lit for her in between my fiance and I at our table. That will be lit by the two of us, and we aren't going to let anyone else know what it's for - just a symbol of her presence for US.

banana468

I think the symbolic items are great.

The other thing I'd suggest is one flower in your bouquet that's a different color from the rest of the 'theme flowers' to show that she's still a beautiful presence to you.

felicia220

betizzle73 I am sorry for your loss. I think what you are doing is an amazing thing.  I don't know if you ever needed to post, because you sound like you have it figured out.  

Good Luck and Congrats on the wedding.  Enjoy every moment because life is not measured by the breathes we take but rather the moments that take our breathe away.