here goes - tacky or acceptable?!

julieandjojo

Thoughtful, honest opinions please:

"elegant casual" style wedding ceremony in a beautifu park, BBQ wedding reception with pot-luck salads/desserts -- tacky or acceptable?!

(meats, alcohol & beverages supplied, guests bring a salad or dessert)

Keep in mind we are trying to include the max amount of people while maintaining a modest budget and hoping everyone has a great time.

Thanks!

Lasairiona

Potluck is not ok under any circumstances. Skip the alcohol (and cut back elsewhere) and use that money to pay for sides or whatever guests would be expected to bring.When you host a party, which is what you are doing by inviting others to your wedding, you provide everything for your guests. They do not and should not supply their own food and/or drinks.

MOBinFL2008

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_here-goes-tacky-acceptable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:d7a3d487-1291-4685-b1fe-265b22928696Post:160bcd07-e04a-4c42-90b5-0a76e213ce85">here goes - tacky or acceptable?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thoughtful, honest opinions please: "elegant casual" style wedding ceremony in a beautifu park, BBQ wedding reception with pot-luck salads/desserts -- tacky or acceptable?! (meats, alcohol & beverages supplied, guests bring a salad or dessert) Keep in mind we are trying to include the max amount of people while maintaining a modest budget and hoping everyone has a great time. Thanks!
Posted by julieandjojo[/QUOTE]

Nope, this doesn't work.  It's tacky to invite guests to your wedding and then say, "Oh, by the way, you need to bring potato salad." 

Either cut back on the number of people you are inviting or other items until you reach the point where your budget will totally pay for everything.

gottahavashorti

To be honest, in one of my family's circles potluck weddings aren't considered offensive and people usually rave about how fun they were.  But the reason it works is because of that particular group so I woudln't recommend it.

Potluck weddings are considered rude.  Could you skip the alcohol and DIY the salads and cupcakes or something else simple for desserts?  See if your close family can help you cook if needed.  Most people would probably prefer a dry wedding over being asked to bring food.

julieandjojo

Fair enough, thank you all for your input. What about this as a modified idea:

Intimate (immediate fam & grandparents only) wedding ceremony (at a B&B or something) and then big "casual-dressy" BBQ celebration party - pictures of ceremony decorating tables and stuff, dancing, drinks, cake, food, maybe fireworks or something... gifts not expected bcuz guests were unable to see ceremony.

aerinpegadrak

What's with the weird formatting?  It's harder to read the giant purple than it is to read just the standard text.

Potluck only really works if it's very common in your circle and people are very, very accustomed to it.  Unless your circle does potlucks regularly, they're going to be offended.  We considered doing our at-home reception partially potluck (we provide main course and desserts, people bring sides), but decided that it just wouldn't work.

We're doing a small ceremony with a big, casual reception--but the ceremony and its reception are in Vegas, and the casual reception is in California.  We're also webcasting the ceremony so everyone can still see it.  This is something that's pretty common with destination weddings, but doesn't go over too well if everything is in the same place at the same time.

If you can afford to host everyone at a casual BBQ, why not just invite them all to the ceremony as well?  It would be much less complicated.

megk8oz

Potluck might = casual. If it were not a wedding.

But under no circumstances does potluck = "elegant". Sorry. Them's the breaks.

julieandjojo

Thank you everyone for your input, **sorry about the formatting** I copied and pasted from a message i was writing to a friend on fbk and didn't realize it was going to come out so weird!

nackiejichole

I would think if you covered the food and drinks (tea, soda, water, etc) for your guests and cut out the alcohol you should be able to keep the same budget. Alcohol is never mandatory but I can see why you would want guests to have the option. Maybe the guests can bring their own alcohol if it's allowed. I don't think I would ever want to put BYOB on my wedding invitations but word of mouth will usually do the trick. That to me would be more tasteful.

lalap69

I'm not entirely clear on the modifications, but gifts should never be "expected" and I don't understand why you can't invite everyone to the ceremony.  That's not the expensive part.  I also don't understand why you wanted to make the side dishes potluck in your original proposal.  Pick up a couple of heads of lettuce at the grocery store and buy a bottle of dressing and you're done.  It can't be that expensive.

flamingtwig72

Seriously? You can't afford to provide salad and a cake? lol No, that's definitely tacky. I agree also that the second idea you proposed sounds more costly than the first. The ceremony is the inexpensive part of the wedding....so...cutting the guest list there wouldn't save any money.

Honestly, just cut your guest list down to just those people you absolutely want to be there (not every friend you've ever had) and have a wedding in which you provide everything for those special guests.

AutumnEnchantment

I don't like the idea of a potluck and I think it would be a little odd going to a wedding like this.  To cut back, we're doing a cake and punch reception (having a few other things like fruit and whatnot besides cake, and other drinks besdies punch) and this allows us to invite all on our guest list as I have a larage extended family and the FI has a large immediate family.  I wouldn't expect my guests to bring something though, that's too....family get-together, not wedding.

Catwoman708

"Elegant" does not go with either "pot luck" or barbecue.  As the hosts of a wedding, YOU are supposed to provide refreshements for your guests.  It is never acceptable to ask guests to help you feed everyone.  So I'd have to say tacky.

But you will have to either trim the guest list, have simpler foods, no alcohol,  have the wedding when it's not a meal time, or skip something else.  LIke postpone the honeymoon, buy a cheaper dress or cake, skip the favors, keep your WP small, etc...

If you must have it at meal time, as long as you serve enough finger foods or appetizers, cake, and punch to equal a light meal, that is sufficient refreshment to satisfy the ettiquette of wedding receptions.

Now if someone ASKS you if they can help or bring anything, then I think it's ok to ask for help with the food, but only if they are close family or a very close friend. 

Why would you pay extra to have a private ceremony, and then have to scrimp on food to fee the reception guests????  Save the money on the fancy but private wedding ceremony, and either have it for free at the courthouse, or in front of all the guests at the receptions site.  Then all of the guests will get to see the ceremony and you won't have to pay any extra.

Not to be snarky, but you really need to do some research on weddings and ettiquette first, before you go making any plans.  This is a good place to start, but be prepared for others to give you a hard time. 

How much time do you have to plan?

cynthi18

I disagree with most people. My wedding ceremony is going to be small and more private. I hate the idea of everyone and their dog watching me get married. And I don't think that is a problem as long as you're not cutting out someone who should be invited based on the rest of the list (ie, if you invite most of cousin joes siblings, and not him, that would be bad.) My invitations to the reception invite them specifically to a reception held in my honor. It does not even say exactly when the wedding is beyond the date. Most of my silbings have handled it this way, and no one has gotten offended yet. I'm not saying no one WILL get offended, but as long as it's handled tactfully, you should be ok there (you never can please everyone anyway).

I would rule out the potluck though. It's tacky. Very much so. I probably wouldn't come and just send you a gift....and feel jipped if it were me.

There's my 2 cents. Hope it helps.

K3whitta

When I was about five my parents were invited to a family wedding that had the same set up you described - Fast forward twenty one years and we still talk about how cheap and tacky it was.

Theresa626

Making guests bring food is incredibly tacky.

On the rest..... it depends on your budget.  I mean.... I don't think anyone would complain or find you tacky if you just had a barbeque get together in a park that was very casual after your wedding.  What you can afford is what you can afford.  People will be happy to see you get married. 

However, if you can afford to have something a little bit nicer than a barbeque in the park, I think it would be well appreciated.  The previous idea will definitely come off as a cheap casual get together and less as a wedding reception.  You should go to the budget brides board to get ideas for how you could do something more "elegant" on a budget because I don' t really think a back yard barbeque would be elegant to anyone.  In addition, you will mostly likely have to rent a tent in case it rains and that would make this idea a lot more expensive. 

Theresa626

Julie, your second idea is totally worse than your first. There is nothing expensive about having more people look at your ceremony other than renting chairs and that is a hell of a lot cheaper than fireworks.  Have you researched any of this? It is rude to invite people to the reception but not the wedding just to save money.  There are circumstances where it would be appropriate but I don't think yours sounds like one.    Furthermore, you won't have pictures of your ceremony at the reception unles your reception is a week later. I mean.. I guess the photographer could put the pictures on his laptop and show them but honestly they're not going to be decorations. How will they be printed? 

masqueradebride

Personally I would rather go to a wedding that just has nice snacks and cake than having to bring a dish.  A dish can be very incovenient. Especially if guests are travelling. If you do go with snacks and cake you do need to time it in the afternoon, but I do think this is way less tacky.

I think that it is not a good idea to invite someone to the reception and not the ceremony. I think it is perfectly acceptible to invite more people to the ceremony and have a cake reception and then have a nice dinner with a small group after. I just feel that if you are inviting people to your reception and if you are letting them celebrate you and your husband there then you should let them see you get married.

x3Harmony534

K - I didn't read all of your responses but here's my 2 cents. I don't think potluck is acceptable, however you can make a modification. I have been to a wedding where "family recipes" were served (i.e. grandma's potato salad would be a menu item) and recipe cards were set out for guests to bring home if they liked a dish. If you have family willing to help you that enjoys cooking for large groups you could try that idea. I wouldn't ask EVERYONE to bring a dish though, just personally ask some close family members if they wouldn't mind helping out. Good luck!!

steph43987

Tacky.

budvar1012

 I think potlucks are fine! I went to one last summer and it was fabulous. I think spending more money than you reasonably can or being expected to do so is tacky.... as is having a potluck and asking for a gift on top of that. But that's it, as far as potlucks and tacky go. I think if you qualify the invite with Gift OR potluck dish, it's fine. A favorite homemade dish instead of a store bought gift is pretty cool to me.
 
  Most people love the idea of helping out the people they love, and I know very few people who don't like to cook something. Personally, I'd rather be asked to cook than buy a couple another set of wine glasses, or a toaster, or the couple's umpteenth Yankee Candle or whatever. I like the idea of being part of the celebration in a more tangible, loving way.
The potluck wedding idea is a good one, to me.
It was a blast as guest at the potluck I went to--the groom was a coworker of my future husband and when he heard I was making more of the Indian food Ioften  sent in to work with my lovie, he lit up with delight. It was so much fun! It was my first potluck wedding. People were all marvelling at the array of foods people made and asking who made what; watching other guests beam when asked about their best recipe was so cool! Everyone was happy and had so much fun. Plus, I got asked for my recipe a few times and that felt great.There were a lot of glasses clinking as peole complimented each other on the dishes they brought.  Plus, potlucks are pretty  budget -friendly for everyone, as well. It's not only brides who are on  a budget these days.

To me, a wedding is about people who you love and who love you back coming together to celebrate your marriage and to be to with you to laugh, dance, cheer and well, just enjoy one of life's bigger moments, not rating how much money was dropped on feeding. I've been to a few weddings and I've never heard anyone yet say that catering as the best part of that wedding and what made it a good time.   It's also a good way for the two sides of the family to get to know each other a bit better, as well as the guests. It's akind of a cool 'we're all in this family together' sort of thing.

(For the record, BTW, I've been wanting to get married at sunset, a bit after the dinner hour so I'm most likely having  a cake and punch wedding reception. I've thought about it a fair bit and all i can really refer to is my own experience and my man's stories about other potlucks he'd been to and how people really enjoyed them. I guess I'm a potluck convert., haha.)

Lisa<3Pete

Wow...I should have learned my lesson and stuck to the local boards but since I didn't, hear goes.
First, by no means must everyone invited to the reception be invited to the ceremony. If I only want my man, me, and a witness at my ceremony but want to celebrate the union with all the world, who's to say that is wrong? And what kind of friend would complain about not being invited to the ceremony? Also, my sister got married in Mexico...would that mean since not everyone attended the ceremoney, they shouldn't have been invited to the reception held stateside? Those two events aren't mutually exclusive and invites don't always go hand in hand.
Second, I would much rather bring a dish to share than attend a cake and punch reception held around dinner time. How long's that gonna last? Half an hour and then people are gone because they are bored and are full of cake and punch and need real food. At least a potluck involves a real meal...and in all cases I have witnessed, a great meal. Budvar, I totally get the idea of the punch and cake reception if you are having a sunset wedding...presumably it will be late enough that guest were able to eat dinner before arriving. So please don't think I'm bashing that concept--cuz I totally agree with your post!

Third, just because the reception is potluck doesn't mean you HAVE to bring a dish or can't come. I don't think anyone is looking to inconvience out of town guests. I think potluck receptions work best when the bulk of your guests are local. Even so, out of towners who want to pitch in can stop at KFC for a bucket of chicken on the way or bring some rolls that don't need heating or refrigeration or...you get the idea. And that's only if they want to.
Lastly, I know I would never think badly of someone not bringing me a gift at my wedding, but I also know I feel guilty attending one without a gift...I can't explain that double-standard I put on myself but I can't imagine I am alone in feeling that way. One of the great things about potluck receptions is generally the food is considered the gift so for family and friends on a tight budget, this is a way they can show up and not feel empty handed but also not break the bank.
Bottom line, if you think your guests will contribute to and enjoy a potluck, I say go for it. Ask some of your close friends and family what they think...they would know better how well it would go over in your circle. Potluck certainly isn't for everyone, but then again, neither is a huge, pricey wedding. It's all about what works well for you.