My dream wedding/reception fell apart because of Church rules

kferguson04

My fiance and I have a special place in our heart for a particular beach.  Our plan was to have a small ceremony at the Church at the beach and then have a large reception in our hometown. 

The Catholic Church at this beach told us that we couldn't get married there b/c we're not members of that parish (even though we are actively involved in our Church in another city and the priest at our parish agreed to write a letter of reciprosity).  I've tried everything to get into this Church at the beach. I offered $$, offered to bring in my own priest, etc.  But they have rejected us and I am furious.

Despite my anger towards this situation, my fiance and I agreeed that it is very important for us to get married in the Catholic church so now we're back to square one.  He does not want to get married/have the reception on the same day and he wants to incorporate the beach in it some way.  I have no idea what to do.  At this point, I just want to get this whole thing over with!  Suggestions???   

voyey

If you're catholic how are you having an outside ceremony? I thought the only way a priest would marry you is if it's IN the church. 

danieliza1127

What about having the wedding at your home church and just going to that beach for pictures?

Also, it's kind of weird to have the ceremony and reception on different days, unless one is out of town.  It will be hard on your guests to expect them to go to both on different days.

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_dream-weddingreception-fell-apart-because-of-church-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:d87ddb92-8e5d-4cfc-93e1-c7de75ae92e1Post:9f76e2f6-9bb9-41c4-9c90-f47ccfcc1d55">My dream wedding/reception fell apart because of Church rules</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have a special place in our heart for a particular beach.  Our plan was to have a small ceremony at the Church at the beach and then have a large reception in our hometown.  The Catholic Church at this beach told us that we couldn't get married there b/c we're not members of that parish (even though we are actively involved in our Church in another city and the priest at our parish agreed to write a letter of reciprosity).  I've tried everything to get into this Church at the beach. I offered $$, offered to bring in my own priest, etc.  But they have rejected us and I am furious. Despite my anger towards this situation, my fiance and I agreeed that it is very important for us to get married in the Catholic church so now we're back to square one.  He does not want to get married/have the reception on the same day and he wants to incorporate the beach in it some way.  I have no idea what to do.  At this point, I just want to get this whole thing over with!  Suggestions???   
Posted by kferguson04[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately, churches can do/not do pretty much whatever they want.  If you'd tried and they've said no, that's pretty much that.  Can you get married at your church and take pictures at the beach?

Ditto the different day ceremony/reception.  That's going to be very awful for your guests.

Pirata13

Yeah if you want to get married in the Church you will have to get married in the Church, as in the physical building.  And unfortunately, several churches do not marry non-parishioners.  Please get married and have reception same day if you do it in the church, and have the reception at the beach or a beach themed reception. You can still have an amazing wedding and reception, you just have to work it out.

Lasairiona

When you get married in a church, you have to play by their rules. The Catholic Church is one of the stricter denominations that doesn't bend rules for anyone for any reason. One of their main tenets is that you cannot marry outside because God doesn't exist outside of a man-made building. No other denomination believes such a thing and the others believe that God exists in all creation but to each their own. The church is not at fault. They don't owe you anything.

You do have the option of finding a Reformed Catholic priest and they will marry you outdoors at any location but it may or may not be recognized by the Church as valid, even though the state/law says that it is. Otherwise you can take pictures there after the wedding.

Having the ceremony and reception on different days is not only rude but very inconvenient. No one is going to have time or inclination, no matter how much they love you, to attend an event that takes place over 2 or more days.

In the end, you have to decide which is more important to you: a beach ceremony or a ceremony recognized by the Catholic Church. You are overreacting since you (and everyone else) have to make similar decisions in life and come to a compromise because no one owes you anything no matter what.

gottahavashorti

I think she's talking about getting married at a Catholic church in the beach town, not on the beach.

You might as well get married at your home church unless there is another Catholic church by the beach that is willing to marry you.  You can do engagement pictures at the beach or go there for your honeymoon.

gottahavashorti

Also, you could incorporate the beach at your reception through centerpieces, pictures on table numbers, that sort of thing.

MyNameIsNot

One of their main tenets is that you cannot marry outside because God doesn't exist outside of a man-made building. No other denomination believes such a thing and the others believe that God exists in all creation but to each their own.

This is 100% not true.  The reason the Catholic Church requires you to get married in the church is because matrimony is a sacrament (like baptism or communion).  It has nothing to do with where God is present. 

Please check your facts when you comment on the beliefs of a church.

Lasairiona

In any Protestant denomination, baptism and communion are sacraments and they are able to do those outdoors or in buildings that are not a church becasue "God is everywhere in creation". Does that mean that all the Protestants (including their ministers) are going straight to hell because they aren't "doing it right"? Only in the Catholic church is this even an issue where marriage or anything else is concerned. If people don't like the rules, don't get married there.

Both of our families are mostly Catholic even though we are not so we are well aware of their beliefs. When asked, out of pure curiosity, that is the cut and dry answer that most priests gave us as to why they only allow ceremonies in the church building itself rather than outdoors. 

MyNameIsNot

Catholics believe that sacraments should be performed on sacred ground.  They do believe that God is everywhere, but that some places are blessed or holy. 

I'm not educated enough with the various protestant belief systems to comment on their beliefs or pratices. 

I'm certainly in no position to say who would go to hell for any reason, and never expressed or implied anything of the sort. 

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_dream-weddingreception-fell-apart-because-of-church-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:d87ddb92-8e5d-4cfc-93e1-c7de75ae92e1Post:09019853-7ad6-46a8-b1a6-91f8141f9843">Re: My dream wedding/reception fell apart because of Church rules</a>:
[QUOTE]In any Protestant denomination, baptism and communion are sacraments and they are able to do those outdoors or in buildings that are not a church becasue "God is everywhere in creation". Does that mean that all the Protestants (including their ministers) are going straight to hell because they aren't "doing it right"?
Posted by Lasairiona[/QUOTE]


Clarification is needed here, because you seem to be misunderstanding what PPs are saying.

Catholics believe that sacraments (with the exception of Annointing of the Sick, because dying people are usually not sitting in the church on their deathbeds) should occur within an actual Catholic church, except in extreme circumstances (like if a baby not expected to survive is baptized in a hospital or something). Not because they don't believe that God is everywhere ... my documents from the Catholic Church for my wedidng actually say something along the lines of, "While it is true that God can be found in Nature, the Catholic Church does not allow outdoor weddings."

The Catholic Church wants people to marry in an actual church because they feel that it is a community event and should be celebrated with the church community. I was also under the impression that it is supposed to occur in the church because then the marriage takes place in the presence of the Eucharist, but I cannot find anything to back me up on that so perhaps that's not the reason behind their rules.

At any rate, PPs were just clarifying the Catholic Church's stance on marriage. Not telling you that Protestants are "doing it wrong."

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_dream-weddingreception-fell-apart-because-of-church-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:d87ddb92-8e5d-4cfc-93e1-c7de75ae92e1Post:09019853-7ad6-46a8-b1a6-91f8141f9843">Re: My dream wedding/reception fell apart because of Church rules</a>:
[QUOTE]In any Protestant denomination, baptism and communion are sacraments and they are able to do those outdoors or in buildings that are not a church becasue "God is everywhere in creation".<strong> Does that mean that all the Protestants (including their ministers) are going straight to hell because they aren't "doing it right"? </strong>
Posted by Lasairiona[/QUOTE]

What does this have to do with anything?  This is not about the Prostestants and how they do things.  This is about how the Catholics do things.  There is no need to compare how the different denominations perform weddings. 

Most Catholic churches will not perform outside wedding.  If you have some good connections in the church then you might be able to.  But in general  you need to have some really good connections (friends with the bishop himself) in order for that to happen.

As far as the OP.  Like it or not, the church has a right to deside who they want to marry and who they do not.  Do not take it personally,    I'm sure they know their location is very popular for OOT couples and I'm sure they could make a killing allowing renting out their pretty church at the beach.

  It's sweet that they are leaving that honor to those people who have deciated their lifes to the church instead of to the people who have the most money and are only using the location as a pretty drop back.  Let's face it I bet outside of getting married at this building you really do not care about the church and it's members.

megk8oz

Churches aren't the same thing as DJ's or photgraphers. It's not their job to make you happy on your pretty princess day. If they don't want you to get married there for whatever reason, then you just need to deal with it and find another church.

And while your FI wants to have the ceremony and the reception on different days, I must tell you: bad idea. It's not fair to the guests at all, and aside from very immediate family (Like your parents and maybe your siblings)  most of them are likely to just choose one to attend. If either of you are going to have a problem with people only showing up for one or the other, then you're going to be very dissapointed with how this turns out.

Pearls03

In my faith, the ceremony tends to be small, simple, spiritual and private.  I understand your desire for a small ceremony at the church near the beach, and I am sorry it hasn't worked out.  Is there another church by the beach that would be willing to work with you?

You could also try the small ceremony in your home town and follow it with a large beach reception.  Of course, many of your family and friends might not be able to travel with you if it is far away.  Maybe you should just stick with a beach honeymoon if that is the case. 

goheels05

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_dream-weddingreception-fell-apart-because-of-church-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:d87ddb92-8e5d-4cfc-93e1-c7de75ae92e1Post:09019853-7ad6-46a8-b1a6-91f8141f9843">Re: My dream wedding/reception fell apart because of Church rules</a>:
[QUOTE]In any Protestant denomination, baptism and communion are sacraments and they are able to do those outdoors or in buildings that are not a church becasue "God is everywhere in creation". Does that mean that all the Protestants (including their ministers) are going straight to hell because they aren't "doing it right"? Only in the Catholic church is this even an issue where marriage or anything else is concerned. If people don't like the rules, don't get married there. Both of our families are mostly Catholic even though we are not so we are well aware of their beliefs. When asked, out of pure curiosity, that is the cut and dry answer that most priests gave us as to why they only allow ceremonies in the church building itself rather than outdoors. 
Posted by Lasairiona[/QUOTE]

Who said anything about going to hell?  You sound like a moron.  Please don't comment on the beliefs of other faiths when you clearly have no idea what you are talking about.

emailangela12

if you wan to have the reception and ceremony on different days, why not have the ceremony at your own church first.   It doesn't have to be extravagant - you can even go in jeans.    then, you can have another ceromony/reception on the beach - someone from your family can recreate your vows and it can be the formal even you dream of.  this way, you are married both by the church and at the beach. 

banana468

I'm confused.  Why can't you get married at YOUR Catholic church with a reception at the beach area that day?

Or, have the ceremony at the church with the reception in a different location and do engagement or TTD photos at the beach.

Either way, what you need to do also involves your guests so having the ceremony and reception on two different dates would not be appropriate.

To Lasairiona, you don't have to like what the Catholic Church does but please don't quote it incorrectly or start to make assumptions that can be interpreted as potentially offensive to Catholics.  No one is talking about going to Hell here.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_dream-weddingreception-fell-apart-because-of-church-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:d87ddb92-8e5d-4cfc-93e1-c7de75ae92e1Post:7282dbd7-0000-4f41-ae86-42c54149b242">Re: My dream wedding/reception fell apart because of Church rules</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My dream wedding/reception fell apart because of Church rules : Who said anything about going to hell?  You sound like a moron.  Please don't comment on the beliefs of other faiths when you clearly have no idea what you are talking about.
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

Heels is wise.

kferguson04

Wow - I must say that I am shocked at how rude and judegemental some of these posts are, not just towards me but towards my faith.  I was seeking suggestions for alternatives to my ceremony, not some harsh (and inaccurate) doctrine on the Catholic Church. 

The reason we were seeking two different ceremonies is that the beach is seven hours away from my midwestern hometown and many older family members could not travel to the beach.  Thank you to those who shed light on the idea that 2 different ceremonies is not realistic or fair to my guests.  My fiancee and I will think all of the options through this weekend.

And please, ladies, let's knock off the cattiness on these boards.  TheKnot is supposed to be a forum where people can share ideas and support one another.  There is enough stress in the wedding planning processes, lets not take it out on one another.    

mastewar

I'm glad that you clarified how far away the beach was. I was thinking you could just go to a different church on the water. Since that isn't an option, are there any nice lakes nearby where you can have the water as a pretty back drop? Then you still get the aquatic theme and it may be a little bit more do-able. Or you could just bring the colors and textures of the ocean into your wedding.

MrsTonyWooldridge

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_dream-weddingreception-fell-apart-because-of-church-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:d87ddb92-8e5d-4cfc-93e1-c7de75ae92e1Post:09019853-7ad6-46a8-b1a6-91f8141f9843">Re: My dream wedding/reception fell apart because of Church rules</a>:
[QUOTE]In any Protestant denomination, baptism and communion are sacraments and they are able to do those outdoors or in buildings that are not a church becasue "God is everywhere in creation". Does that mean that all the Protestants (including their ministers) are going straight to hell because they aren't "doing it right"? Only in the Catholic church is this even an issue where marriage or anything else is concerned. If people don't like the rules, don't get married there. Both of our families are mostly Catholic even though we are not so we are well aware of their beliefs. When asked, out of pure curiosity, that is the cut and dry answer that most priests gave us as to why they only allow ceremonies in the church building itself rather than outdoors. 
Posted by Lasairiona[/QUOTE]

Then the priests you asked might either be very unintelligent to their own faith, or they just don't like having to explain views of the Catholic Church to impatient Protestants.  First of all, I was Baptist and converted over to Catholicism so that our potential children would not have to choose which faith they wanted to follow.  I didn't want religious views to split my household, and you'd be surprised just how similar the religions are.  You obviously weren't very aware of their beliefs if you didn't realize that getting married in the Church is necessary because it's a sacrament.  Our priest had no qualms marrying us at the beach and even got permission to do so from Bishop Carmody had the church we were looking into turned us away...(we couldn't get married in our actual church because it's considered an adoration chapel, which is a sanctuary that's open 24-7 for adorers and worshippers to come and worship when they feel a need to)...and that's because our parish says the Tridentine (or Latin) mass and the diocese has nowhere to put us for regular church.  We wound up getting our church, having the mass my husband's dreamed of for so long, and I even got my Protestant family involved.  My service really calmed their fears about a lot of doubts they had about my newly adopted faith, and they see now why I'm so happy with it.  So before you go off on a tangent about something you really DON'T know about, read on it.  You insulted me with your post.  Leave the Catholic beliefs alone, we're Catholics, not lepers.

gottahavashorti

MrsTony, are you Roman Catholic?  If you are, I'd imagine that the scenario you described would require a dispensation of some sort.

I have always been told that the sacrament of holy matrimony must take place in a church and that if it does not, the marriage is not recognized by the Roman Catholic church.  I thought it had something to do with the presence of the Eucharist but I'm not entirely sure and there is already entirely too much false information being thrown around in this thread. 

There are vital differences in beliefs between the Roman Catholic church and Protestant denominations - including transubstantiation, papal authority, the need for Reconciliation using an intercessor, purgatory, women as ministers for many denominations, who is eligible to receive communion, and church governance.

Edit: I just read the rest of Lasairona's responses and if those are what you were talking about, yeah that stuff is way off.

henchman

Most Catholic churches won't do outside weddings because the heirarchy believes the solemnity of the sacrament requires it be held in a place recognized by the church community as sacred space.  It has nothing to do with a belief regarding the location of the presence of God, which church teaching in fact says is all around us.