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Reception Ideas

Friend Taboos

When I say friend, what I mean is more of an aquaintance that I have known for a few years now.  But none the less she sent me a save the date for her wedding about a month ago and I told her thank you very much and that I was very excited for her.  Her wedding is a while away so it is yet to be seen as to whether I'll be able to go or not.  The wedding talk has started though and she has been bringing up plans that I find very uncouth.  

First it was that there will be a cash bar to which I could only say, "Oh."  
But then it was the dollar dance with the afterthought, "Hey, it's free money!"  
The dollar dance is not common in the region where we live.  Frankly I had never heard of it before coming to this website.  
So the question is, if she does ask me for my opinion (I would never offer it unasked), what do I say? 
It's only a matter of time before she let's us in on her next big idea.

Re: Friend Taboos

  • In Response to Friend Taboos:
    [QUOTE]When I say friend, what I mean is more of an aquaintance that I have known for a few years now.  But none the less she sent me a save the date for her wedding about a month ago and I told her thank you very much and that I was very excited for her.  Her wedding is a while away so it is yet to be seen as to whether I'll be able to go or not.  The wedding talk has started though and she has been bringing up plans that I find very uncouth.   First it was that there will be a cash bar to which I could only say, "Oh."   But then it was the dollar dance with the afterthought, "Hey, it's free money!"   The dollar dance is not common in the region where we live.  Frankly I had never heard of it before coming to this website.   So the question is, if she does ask me for my opinion (I would never offer it unasked), what do I say?  It's only a matter of time before she let's us in on her next big idea.
    Posted by Negazilla[/QUOTE]


    I think if she ASKS, you can tell her that you don't like them for etiquette reasons.  And leave it at that.  If she presses, tell her that you feel like the dollar dance seems gift grabby to you, and you don't like the idea of a cash bar, because you think that the guests shouldn't have to open their wallet at a party that you are hosting.

    And be prepared for her to be offended or have her feelers a little wounded.  But, I don't like to lie to questions that I am asked directly.
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited November 2012
    You certainly have no say in what she chooses to do for her wedding, but it appears you already know that.

    I would be honest/frank/polite with her and quickly change the subject. Good phrases to use:

    "It's not really my style...did you have a good Thanksgiving?"
    "Oh, that's nice...what are you doing for Christmas?"
    "Hmm, I've never seen that done before...how is your job?"
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Definitely don't tell her the ideas are bad unless she directly asks. If she just mentions it, saying it isn't your style and changing the subject as PP suggested is probably what I would do. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • edited November 2012
    I agree with PPs. Obviously don't offer your opinion unsolicited. However, if asked, I'd kindly say one of the things mentioned above, and change the subject. If she presses you for "why, why why?" I'd go with what I've seen suggested by a poster on here which is basically awesome.
    Friend "Why don't you think it's a good idea?"
    You "Have you tried this dip?"
    Friend "I thought it was a great idea, what's wrong with it?
    You "No, seriously, this dip is amazing!"
    Friend "I really want to know why you feel that way?"
    You "This is great, I must find the recipe"
    ... and continue...
    (apologies for not remembering who this fantastic idea came from. She's my hero, as this exact thing saved me over Thanksgiving.)
    Praying for a miracle!
  • I'm curious why everyone is so upset over the etiquette portion of things, yet say when prompted they would try to change the subject. If you don't want to offer your opinion unprompted, fine. If your friend asks you and you don't feel comfortable answering then why not say something along those lines? I'm all for vague questions get vague responses. "What do you think so far?" can be answered with "You thought of things I wouldn't have." You don't have to be nasty, but I don't see what's wrong with being honest. And if she presses you for more, then even as a friendly acquaintance I certainly don't see anything wrong with offering her some helpful criticism. "How do you think the guests will receive a dollar dance?"
    Personally, my family would LOVE that, exlcuding my father's stepmother. And if she feels that a majority of her guests would be into it, then go for it. If you don't want to go because you don't agree with her etiquette, then choose not to go.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    ditto AMark. You could let your friend know that you have never been to a wedding where there was a dollar dance or a cash bar. Ask her if she thinks any of her guests might be offended. It might make her think about what she is doing.

    Suggest she check out The Knot message boards. As you know, this is the place to get honest opinions.
                       
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Honestly, if she asked, I would tell her the truth.  I think we tip toe so much around ruffling people's feathers that we end up letting our friends embarrass themselves.  It's just like if she asked if her tight white daisy dukes looked bad.  You wouldn't do her any favors by changing the subject when you know full well that her butt cleavage is on display.  If she didn't ask, it's one thing, but if she's asking, don't evade.  

    If she specifically asked, I would gently say something like "honestly, I don't think it's a very good idea" and follow up with "it's kind of rude."  If she gets all huffy or says something about how etiquette is for old ladies, I'd then change the subject and let it die.  If she asked for a little follow up, I would probably then offer to share the wedding etiquette book from my own planning.  
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