FMIL trying to change his mind.

brittneylovesaustin

Ok so my FMIL keeps telling my FI that I am not right for him and that he can do so much better and he keeps telling her that I am not going anywhere and that he Loves Me and shes going to have to deal but she wont stand for it.
Everytime we go out to eat with her and her parents I get dirty looks from them all and they try and make me feel uncomfortable but it doesnt work. I stand my ground and keep myself in the conversation.
After all this has been going on my FI is sayin that he doesnt even want to invite that side of his family. He wants me to have a stress free day and he doesnt want her to mess anything up by getting drunk and acting crazy or something.
I keep thinking this is the way to go but I dont want him to regret not inviting his mom. Should I send the invite to her and her family or should I just let it go and say ok, since he dont want her there then well do it our way without her?

sister2groom

Whatever you do, DON'T send the invite unless you and Fi agree on it. That would be a "fun" surprise to see someone you very much didn't want there.

tldh

I'm with Stage.  I would add the question, Specifically, why doesn't she think you are good enough for her son?

[Deleted User]

I am with Stage as well. Sometimes Mother's do know best.

garcias1

I agree with PP, the answers to some of these questions are definitely important to gage the situation.  But you're not getting married until November of next year, so you won't have to worry about invites for a while.  You might just want to wait it out and see how you feel in 6 months.  If you are trying to get an invite list together for budgetting purposes, I would include his family in your list for now.  That way your budget accounts for the extra people, but you can always remove them later on.

aerinpegadrak

Another important question: Is the only reason your FI is suggesting not to invite his own family because of their issues with you?  If he has his own problems with them and wouldn't want them invited regardless of how they behaved toward you, then that's one thing, but I could see cutting out his own family to make you happy becoming a MAJOR source of resentment and bitterness further down the line.  Remember, the wedding is not an ending, it's a beginning, and you're going to be dealing with these people for as long as you both shall live.

alithebride

honestly-the way you and he are handling this makes you sound about 12. your wedding date is a year away. why do you need to decide now if you'll send her an invite now? you need to work on your relationship with them and more importantly how your FI will handle her in the future. not inviting her to the wedding would never help to improve your relationship with her and your FI's relationship with her would be ruined.  you both need to think hard about that. it's not for us to say-it's for you both to decide.
and your FI needs to learn to stand up to his mom when she tries to make you feel uncomfortable. every. single. time.

i'm wondering why she tells FI that you're not right for her? where does this come from?

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_fmil-trying-change-his-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:f48e0433-0d1b-450a-b837-1608d0227bf3Post:4de72bd6-21f1-41da-ae89-a015d99d3696">FMIL trying to change his mind.</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so my FMIL keeps telling my FI that I am not right for him and that he can do so much better and he keeps telling her that I am not going anywhere and that he Loves Me and shes going to have to deal but she wont stand for it. Everytime we go out to eat with her and her parents I get dirty looks from them all and they try and make me feel uncomfortable but it doesnt work. I stand my ground and keep myself in the conversation. After all this has been going on my FI is sayin that he doesnt even want to invite that side of his family. He wants me to have a stress free day and he doesnt want her to mess anything up by getting drunk and acting crazy or something. I keep thinking this is the way to go but I dont want him to regret not inviting his mom. Should I send the invite to her and her family or should I just let it go and say ok, since he dont want her there then well do it our way without her?
Posted by brittneylovesaustin[/QUOTE]

naomikb

Another question to add: how long have you known each other?

Is it simply that she doesn't know who you are, and wants/needs to get to know you and that you are right for her son before she warms up to you?

brittneylovesaustin

i have known him for almost 10 years and we both are 22.

brittneylovesaustin

i completely understand but he does have his own issues with his mom and her side of the family. I told him that if its just because of me then he needs to forget it and invite her anyway but he is sticking to not inviting her but i know it would hurt me if my mom didnt come i just dont want him to regret it.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_fmil-trying-change-his-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:f48e0433-0d1b-450a-b837-1608d0227bf3Post:71f88596-f86b-4096-886f-f02461af3fa1">Re: FMIL trying to change his mind.</a>:
[QUOTE]From what she told him its because I wasnt raised like he was. His dad had loads of money and mine didnt. I mean we didnt struggle to get through but we just didnt run off and go on vacations and buy things just because we had the money. My family is very reserved and his <strong>mom has become used to the life his dad has given them even though he doesnt want a life like that and he has made that very clear that he doesnt believe money is everything but she is still insisting that we not be together</strong>.
Posted by brittneylovesaustin[/QUOTE]

Follow up questions:

Did he go to college and is he planning on going to grad school?  If so, what is his degree in and does he have a career?

My family didn't have much money (we did struggle) and I worked my way through undergrad and moved to a new city without two nickels to rub together when I started law school.  I grew up knowing money isn't everything however, I do know the importance of having a clear career plan and following through on it. 

That said, his mom may see you as holding her son back.  How exactly has he made it clear that he doesn't believe money is everything?

erollis

I guess it may make you feel better that it took my FMIL 7 years to finally like me. Since then our relationship with each other has blossomed. It is really nice. Hopefully your FMIL will like you eventually.

Still budget for his family on the guest list. Things may get better as it gets closer to the wedding. Or he may change his mind and want them there even if they are still upset over the marriage. Do not send her an invitation without him knowing. This will cause problems in your relationship with him.

SeptemberFall2011

Try killing her with kindness OP!  Ask her out to lunch and try to get to know her better!  Do the same for dad in law to be.  I think if you try to reach across the line and make peace it would say alot about you to them AND those watching *cough*like her parents*cough* excuse me had a frog in the throat.  But I think if you make it clear that you are not trying to "steal" her son but share him with her it would help some too.  There ARE moms out there that think women are out to steal their sons away just like dads think boys are out to steal their daughters away.

younge bride 101

I am some what in your shoes, we have been together for six years, and his mom does not want him to get married. She is rude to me all the time and lets it be known! I am still nice to her and i know one day she will see that she was the one making the mastake. It hurts and it sucks but she will be the one apologizing later for it! I try to get her alone, without the FI, so we can just kind of connect and that has brought us some what closer. She has been married seven times so i can see why she would be worried, and we are both youngish 21 and 22. He is a nurse though, so he can support us.  I would do like pp said kill her with kindness. Invite her to wedding stuff (even if she wants to decline you tried) or ask just her out to dinner or a movie. Something FI mom likes is bingo... so as a way to get close to her i offer us to go play together, just us two. I will also text her and ask for her opinions, that way we can talk, but we dont always have to be face to face. You and your FI will reget her not beeing there because i belive one day yall will or possiably could be close. Good luck and pm me if you would like to talk some more. We seem to have a lot in common and venting helps good luck!