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RP: Issue on another Board. WDYT?

After reading the thread below, I'd like to get your opinions on this issue!  What do you think????Pet Peeve "real" wedding From: handfast4me Date: 7/25/2009 at 5:41 PM Why is it that some people think that if they didn't have the 200+ person reception/party that they didn't have a "REAL" wedding? That negates the feelings of those of us who CHOSE to do that, as did I, on a beach, with (now) DH, no guests. It is insulting to us. And actually, those of you who felt you didn't have a "real" wedding the first time around CHOSE to do that for your first wedding. You could have waited, or saved up, or whatever for your big ole' wedding. If it was legal and/or spiritual in nature, then, my friends, it was a REAL wedding. If it took a court of law to undo it in a divorce, it was most decidedly a real wedding. Even if you didn't have the big throw-down afterwards. ::vent over:: Wedding Slideshow: http://tinyurl.com/bqcn8k 172.25.0.20 --> Replies:  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: right1thistime Date: 7/25/2009 at 5:49 PM Well said. ~Donna Pay less attention to the details; it's the moments that you will remember. 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: right1thistime Date: 7/25/2009 at 5:54 PM In part, I think it stems from feeling like you have to justify a wedding ceremony/reception with the traditional bells and whistles for a second or subsequent time around. The writer decides that since they missed this boat the first time, therefore they "deserve" to have the now. The truth is, no one has to justify it. People are judgy, and they may judge you for doing it (and perhaps for not doing it). Its one of those pull on your big girl panties and decide that this IS they way you have chosen to celebrate your wedding, and if the judgesof the world don't like it-- fluck em. But I agree that it infers that anything less than the full scale hoopla is "not real". ~Donna Pay less attention to the details; it's the moments that you will remember. 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: handfast4me Date: 7/25/2009 at 9:19 PM I guess that's my point. Truthfully, I don't care what people think of me, or the type of wedding anyone else has, but it just, as you state, infers that others haven't done it "correctly." And I think that those people have fallen into the trap of the wedding INDUSTRY. Because that's what it is. An INDUSTRY. And for most, it's not even the wedding (which is the ceremony) but the reception afterwards. Which, of course, DH and I didn't have. And we're just as married as those who did it with the big budget, and spent 26,000. I guess I just needed to vent because I've seen quite a few posts lately from women who are complaining that they didn't have a real wedding. My stars. Seriously. Wedding Slideshow: http://tinyurl.com/bqcn8k 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: jlk67 Date: 7/26/2009 at 1:08 AM I don't think anything is meant by it. I think it's because when most people think of a wedding, what they think of is the church with guests and a reception. I have said multiple times that neither of us had a "wedding" wedding the first time around and we wanted to do that this time. I chose that terminology after letting "real" wedding come out of my mouth and hearing how it sounded. Jennifer & Dane We got hitched July 4, 2009!!!!! MyBioQuote from my daughter, "Kinda ironic isn't it? Getting married on Independence Day." 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: LesPaul Date: 7/26/2009 at 8:02 AM I see your point, and it is certainly valid. I am, however, one of 'those' brides. The first wedding was at the courthouse with a JOP and strangers for witnesses. We were 19 years old, and engaged for 4 days. In hindsight, I always regretted we were married this way, but you are right - we chose it ourselves. We never got around to a vow renewal ceremony (8.5 months pregnant at our 10 year anniversary; he left shortly after our 15 year anniversary). Yes it was a valid marriage and our beautiful daughters are a product of it. The part I regret the most is that I feel I cheated my Dad out of walking me down the aisle because we were impulsive and foolish. He died 12 years ago, so won't be there for this one.that's all. Leslie 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: handfast4me Date: 7/26/2009 at 8:59 AM Leslie, I can see your point--I had a mid-sized wedding the first time around, and have LOTS of regrets about it. Most of all, the groom! :-) However, here's what irks me--and I probably haven't been expressing it well, because I've been aggravated due to the number of "real" wedding posts all over different boards the past couple of weeks--but here goes: DH and I could not be legally married in our religion here in the Bible belt. So we had to have two ceremonies. One was our religious ceremony, and then the legal one. Because so many Pagans, like myself, are in the "Broom Closet" due to all the persecution we recieve, we could NOT invite anyone to the first ceremony, done by a professor and his wife. They are definitely in the broom closet, and he could lose his job, tenure, etc. if it got out. It's a very closed community due to all of this. DH already felt married due to that ceremony, so when we finally did the legal thing, we kept it small--just the two of us. And we did practice some of our religious rituals during the ceremony, because by accident, we found a notary in Florida who happened to be a Pagan, too. But by saying one didn't have a "real" wedding it is really insulting to others of us who did it that way because we chose to--it sends a message that we didn't do it correctly, and that we'll regret it later. Because of this thinking, for months after the ceremony, I looked on this site, and watched the wedding shows non-stop to find someone else who had done something similar. No one had. And then I had this moment of clarity during which I realized that I would not have wanted to spend all that money on a ceremony and party--we're buying our second home with that money. And that's when it became insulting to me when people inferred that I didn't have a "Real" wedding. In fact, someone on this board actually asked why we weren't having guests, and it was stated in a way (I don't remember the exact wording) that inferred that DH was ashamed of me. In fact, he's an extreme introvert, so a wedding with lots of guest would not have been an option anyway. That was pretty hurtful, too. I just want people to think before they speak and write. I do not criticize others for their choices. If they want to drop 100,000 on a wedding, well, good for them! I'm glad they can do that, and hope they are together forever, and happy! But for those of us who choose to do it differently, well, the terms are insulting. It's just like the women who criticize the goth brides, or the brides who don't wear white. I love that look--and after looking at offbeatbride.com, I seriously wanted full sleeve tattoos to go with the tattoos I already have. Of course, I'm one of the original punk rockers from the late 70's too, so there you have it. Wedding Slideshow: http://tinyurl.com/bqcn8k 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: RetreadBride Date: 7/26/2009 at 9:30 PM If you got married, you had a wedding. Period. If it was meaningful to you, then you had the "right" kind of wedding. If it wasn't the wedding you wanted - that's life, and get over it. I'mtired of the do-overs, and the excuses for do-overs... "I missed out the last time." (you got married, didn't you?) "My mother took over the wedding, and I didn't get what I wanted." (your fault for not telling mom no) "I"m military, and we had to have a rush wedding, so missed the big one." (You chose not to wait. Live with it). I'm sick of Big White Wedding As An Entitlement. "I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years." 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: LesPaul Date: 7/26/2009 at 9:41 PM Handfast, Thank you for your honesty. I think the people who would criticize you for your choices - just because you don't fit the 'norm' (whatever that is) - are just plain rude. You chose to get married the way you wanted, and that's all that matters. I like your comments about the wedding industry too. No one should dictate what anyone should or should not do at their marriage just because the wedding vendors want to make a buck. Leslie 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: babyruth212 Date: 7/27/2009 at 1:02 PM I say I didn't have a wedding because to me, weddings take place with friends and family in church. I got married under much duress at a shotgun chapel in south Georgia. Was it legal? Yeah I had to have a formal divorce. Was it a wedding? Not at all in my personal or religious opinion. It was a mistake that's for sure but not a wedding. However, my personal opinion surely isn't meant to take anything away from someone else's personal feelings on the subject. When I say I didn't have a wedding, that's how I feel about my situation. How anyone else feels about what they have or have not had is up to them! 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: babyruth212 Date: 7/27/2009 at 1:13 PM handfast how i think about it is actually how you described, you had two ceremonies because you wouldn't really have considered yourself married religiously without your first ceremony. i suppose in my case i could say "i did not have a religious ceremony" the first time instead of saying "i did not have a wedding" 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: handfast4me Date: 7/27/2009 at 1:57 PM Well, I actually felt much more married after the legal ceremony. I did not feel married after the first ceremony, because I had been married before, to a different man, so I knew the difference (and felt them) between the two types of ceremonies. The pet peeve I'm talking about is not necessarily the same couple, but so many women on this board, who were married to someone else saying "I didn't have a REAL wedding" only because they didn't have guests, a big reception, etc. the first time around. The did, in fact, have a real wedding. What they didn't have was the big ole' party. Religion nor legality have anything to do with that. Wedding Slideshow: http://tinyurl.com/bqcn8k 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: RetreadBride Date: 7/27/2009 at 4:45 PM babyruth, you had a wedding. You didn't have a big party with the wedding. I'm curious about your post. How did someone, in this day and age, MAKE you get married? I hope you're far away from those people today. "I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years." 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: pamila51510 Date: 7/27/2009 at 5:15 PM I have to agree lol! I had a real wedding the first time lol. I just read this thread. Wow I feel behind since I don't really come on here to much on the weekends. Each one of my weddings yes I said weddings as this is my 3rd was special. Glad that they are over. Glad I have grown up but they were real I wish in one case that I could have just woke up and it would have just been a bad dream but it was all part of what makes me who I am today. My Bio 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: NYHarleyBride Date: 7/27/2009 at 5:28 PM I had a real wedding the first time, no doubt. I am glad I am having an unreal wedding this time! 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: handfast4me Date: 7/27/2009 at 5:58 PM NYHarley: that made me laugh! I need to think of this second marriage in those terms. :-) Wedding Slideshow: http://tinyurl.com/bqcn8k 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: handfast4me Date: 7/27/2009 at 6:04 PM Also, babyruth, are you saying that anyone who is not Christian, and therefore does not get married in a church did not have a "real" wedding and as a result are not married? Because if I extrapolate out what you've said, that's what it means. "A real wedding is in a church with friends and relatives around" Uh, no. I'm not a Christian, so I would never get married in a Christian Church. I guess that negates all the Jewish brides, the Pagans, the Buddhists (which, btw, is the largest relgion in the world!) and anyone else who isn't a monotheist and doesn't believe in jesus as god. I live in GA, too. But, thankfully, I have lived in 17 other states. Wedding Slideshow: http://tinyurl.com/bqcn8k 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: jlk67 Date: 7/27/2009 at 7:28 PM She said that was how she felt about HER wedding, not about yours. I don't get how so many people on this board can give advice about how to deal with the all the stupid questions people will ask when you've been married before, yet get so offended at other stuff. And I'm really sick of all the scolding the vow renewal ladies get because they want a "do-over". Society in general would probably smile a lot more on a vow renewal to a first spouse than to a whole new big party for a second marriage. I'm sure you don't agree with that opinion. What makes yours any better? Jennifer & Dane We got hitched July 4, 2009!!!!! MyBioQuote from my daughter, "Kinda ironic isn't it? Getting married on Independence Day." 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: handfast4me Date: 7/28/2009 at 6:32 AM JKL, (or JLK, I can't remember which, but no matter) you need to re-read babyruth's post. She said "to me, a wedding is. . . " She never said FOR me. . . Nor did she say, My wedding would feel real. . . And I never said mine was any better-so maybe you should re-read my posts, too. What makes me aggravated is that women who say and write things like that negate my beliefs and my wedding. Further, I am NOT talking about vow renewals--that's an entirely different can of worms. What I'm talking about is how second time brides continuously come on this board saying "I didn't have a real wedding with my ex" because they used a JOP. Wedding Slideshow: http://tinyurl.com/bqcn8k 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: right1thistime Date: 7/28/2009 at 8:57 AM I tend to disagree with "society in general" more often than not. And am thankful that I do. Let me just say this-- nobody is snarking anyone in this thread. Stacy started a thread about a pet peeve. She expressed her opinion. Others expressed theirs. If one poster challenges another poster-- why is that BAD? Doesn't open and honest debate open EVERYONE's mind?? I would not be interested in a board where everyone blows sunshine up everyone else's skirt regardless of what cokcamamie idea/concept/ thought process they express. That's what the locals and club boards tend to do. In my opinion--boring. And-- if you decide to ask for opinion and/or advice, you ought to be willing to accept what is said, weigh it and choose to use it or lose it. If all you want is validation (which I highly doubt is what Stacy was looking for- having chatted with her on this board for a while), then phrase your post "Validate me please". I, for one, won't open it. ~Donna Pay less attention to the details; it's the moments that you will remember. 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: RetreadBride Date: 7/28/2009 at 9:06 AM jlk, vow renewals used to be for milestone anniversaries, such as the 25th or 50th. Now people are using them as an excuse for what they view as an entitlement: "I didn't get to wear the foofy dress, have the big wedding party, the reception, showers and reception. I believe I'm owed this, so this is my way of getting it." I refer to these people as "spoiled brat brides."WEDDING means a ceremony, regardless of size, in which two people were married. WEDDING does not mean in a church, or in a ballgown. It means that something was conducted which legally resulted in a marriage. "I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years." 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: babyruth212 Date: 7/28/2009 at 10:34 AM http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weddinghttp://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/weddingif you notice in both these references, the word "wedding" is used to describe an event that encompasses more than just a civil ceremony. while there is absolutely nothing wrong with some people feeling that the civil ceremony is the be all and ends all of the word wedding, there are obviously plenty of people who feel the word wedding means more. and i guess i don't understand why someone who is hell bent on making sure their beliefs aren't slighted would want to slight someone else's beliefs. i am happy that everyone has different opinions on things. but if you're in the minority who takes a different spin on some words or traditions or beliefs that doesn't make the popular opinion "wrong" it's just different. yes to me wedding means more than what it means to handfast or retread. i don't think anyone who just did a small civil ceremony is less married. i don't think it really matters how you get married but i can use my definition of wedding and you can use yours. no biggie. my point was i'm not trying to peeve anyone by using the traditional meaning of the word. we are each entitled to our opinions. and...we're on the most mainstream "wedding website"so i'm sure you'll find plenty of people with different outlooks. 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: right1thistime Date: 7/28/2009 at 11:39 AM babyruth - copied from your two links - bolded by meA wedding is the NG>ceremony in which two people are united in NG>marriage or a similar institution. Wedding traditions and customs vary greatly between cultures, ethnic groups, religions, countries, and social classes. Most wedding ceremonies involve an exchange of wedding vows by the couple, presentation of a gift (offering, ring(s), symbolic item, flowers, money), and a public proclamation of marriage by an authority figure or leader. Special wedding garments are often worn, and the ceremony is followed by a wedding reception. Music, poetry, prayers or readings from Scripture or literature also may be incorporated into the ceremony.and then1 : a marriage ceremony usually with its accompanying festivities : nuptials 2 : an act, process, or instance of joining in close association 3 : a wedding anniversary or its celebration —usually used in combination <a golden wedding> I think it is interesting that two opposing opinions can look at the same reference and see two different things. In both of these- I fail to see where the reception referred to in the first or the accompanying festivities that "usually accompany" the second support your point of view. I think they both support Stacy's point far better. Again - not snarking at you, just pointing out what is -to me- interesting. ~Donna Pay less attention to the details; it's the moments that you will remember. 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: handfast4me Date: 7/28/2009 at 12:24 PM And, just as an FYI, a dictionary is just a collection of what society thinks a word means. It is not WHAT the word is supposed to mean. And if I hear one more person say strategize I'm going to slap them. You cannot turn a noun into a verb just by adding ize. Even if a lot of people use it, it doesn't make it word. Irregardless is used all the time, too, and that's not a word either. I read grammar books for fun. No kidding. Eats, Shoots, and Leaves is my favorite. Even if it does have 2 grammar errors in the firs couple of pages. Wedding Slideshow: http://tinyurl.com/bqcn8k 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: handfast4me Date: 7/28/2009 at 12:25 PM ::now if only I could spell first:: Ha! Wedding Slideshow: http://tinyurl.com/bqcn8k 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: TrueLoveThisTime Date: 7/28/2009 at 12:27 PM I'm all about the grammar, handfast! Thanks for your awesome post just now! I love it! I concur! :) "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." -Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: handfast4me Date: 7/28/2009 at 12:32 PM And another thing. . . LOL! go over to the Ceremony Board and look at the post titled "non-traditional Sermons" in which the bride to be calls her second ceremony her "proper" wedding, even though she will have already had her legal ceremony. WTF? ARGH. At least trix straightened her out. Wedding Slideshow: http://tinyurl.com/bqcn8k 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: thealphabride Date: 7/28/2009 at 4:36 PM Just curious, so you think my second wedding isn't a real wedding ? Because the first one sure as hell wasn't. I don't care what you say. It was a marriage. It was wrong, it lasted a very short time. I respect your opinion, and sorry if you are insulted that because I was married in the courthouse the first time around that was a marriage (not a wedding) and I decided to have a religous ceremony with guests and a reception that I am insulting you. I don't feel "entitled" to anything. I am planning and paying for the kind of wedding I WANT to have which s my choice to do no matter waht you say about my first wedding being real, it wasn't, it wasn't a wedding. You planned and payed for the kind of wedding you want, that was your choice, and I don't negate that but don't come on here and *** us out for having a REAL wedding of our choice. . If you don't like the wedding industry racket, then why hang out here? I get the point that you feel slighted, but the reason people are here is to plan a second wedding. Don't rain on our parade, you had your beautiful beach wedding with your fiance and that made you happy. And we are happy you got to do what you want to do. I don't think any of us feel your wedding was any less REAL because of they way YOU decided to do it. rant over, handfast, you pissed me off with that post, because nobody here is trying to negate what you did, you are reading into it or taking it too personally. 172.25.0.20 -->  Pet Peeve "real" wedding --> From: handfast4me Date: 7/28/2009 at 4:51 PM No, ma'am. I do not stand in judgement of what you're doing. And why is it OK for you to rant, but not me? Again, read my very first post. What makes me angry, and what INSULTS me is when others on this board and other boards (and there have been just 3 I've seen posted today!) is when people say "I didn't have a real wedding" because they did it just the two of them, and the official. That's what DH and I chose to do, and it's insulting to me, because it infers that neither our religious ceremony nor or legal one was a "real" wedding, only because neither were in a church, as babyruth said (we're not Christian), nor were either in front of friends and family. Dang, I guess reading is a lost art.

Re: RP: Issue on another Board. WDYT?

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    That was a little confusing.  But I can say that it sounds like a bunch of people discussing a definition.  I just don't get it.  You get married, you have a wedding, it's all the same in the end, right?
    imageimage
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    I must have missed something too.  Maybe it's a reading comprehension fail on my part.
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    Cliff note version:Handfast says "a DW is still a real wedding..stop judging.."Other girls say "we will judge all we want because only a wedding in a church with 500 pp attending the reception is a REAL wedding..oh and btw you must spend an ever loving fortune on it too.  Otherwise it is not REAL"Handfast says "you are an idiot"Yeah, that is a complete bastardization of it..but that is the gist.  :)
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    In that case I guess handfast is right, "reading is a lost art" since I totally missed the point ;).  Thanks for the cliff notes!
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    LOL, the kinda bs drama in that thread raises my blood pressure and reminds me why I am doing what I am doing. I cannot stand pretension..people that think their "s" don't stink and that everything must be done "just so".  Have some originality people! 
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    I just read the whole stupid thing, and what I came away with is that people misunderstand what an insult is. Handfast says, "What makes me angry, and what INSULTS me is when others on this board and other boards (and there have been just 3 I've seen posted today!) is when people say "I didn't have a real wedding" because they did it just the two of them, and the official." I'm shocked that someone could be insulted by another person's opinion about their own wedding. To me, and insult is: YOU didn't have a real wedding since it wasn't at a church. That's not what the other girls were saying. Example. If I talk about how I didn't have a real wedding because I wore a short dress instead of a long dress, that has nothing to do with your choice to wear a short dress. It's my own self-criticism and that's as far as it goes. Get over it. Handfast says a real wedding is you, FI, and the officiant. TRUE. Others say a wedding is a big thing in a church, 200+ guests, and a $20,000. TRUE. The infamous wedding where the bride's fake ta-tas are barely covered by triangles of lace. http://tinyurl.com/a47mve Unfortunately, TRUE. ;) Both sides just need to agree that a "real" wedding means many things to many people and stop projecting their own insecurities into someone else's thoughts, feelings, or opinions.
    Anniversary
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    [url]http://tinyurl.com/a47mve[/url] Forgot the LIP. :) And btw, I LOVE this pic and I LOVE that girl for wearing that dress!
    Anniversary
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    Old married jumping in here.  And I'm even going to contradict myself.I think there's a difference between "having a wedding" and "getting married".  I know some people who have both, and some people who just have one.  For instance, I know people who plan the huge church wedding who aren't serious about marriage.  I admit I doubted my wedding from time to time thinking I was making it all about the WEDDING and not about the MARRIAGE.  In the end we got married, didn't just have a wedding.  But there are other people who get so caught up in the wedding that they forget about the marriage.On the flip side, there are people who are all about the marriage and don't think about the wedding.  Meaning they just jump into it.  They wanted to be married, they found a willing person, and they elope or rush off to the JOP without further thought.  This can work out great for some people (like my cousins) and horribly for others (my old roommate who's been "married" twice now never for longer then 2 years).Some people need the wedding, others don't.  I think I needed the wedding.  It wasn't a huge to-do (we only had 24 guests) but I put a lot of heart and soul into it, just as much as anyone who had the 200+ wedding.  I needed that to give myself the feeling that this is permanent.  Like, I'm not putting THIS much effort into something I'm not 100% serious about. 
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    Well put Jaye.  I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, however in the same tolken, reality is a reality.  IMHO, I believe that if you've ever gotten married whether it was in front of a JOP, a minister, a judge, whatever; or if you had zero witness or 200 guests, if you exchanged vows, your wedding/marriage was REAL.  No way around it.  I think the debate of this entire topic was that some felt that since their first wedding/marriage failed for one reason or another (like one poster said she was "forced" into the marriage) that the wedding/marriage wasn't REAL and their second marriage coming up is the REAL thing.  Some were offended by it and so the debate ensued.Oh well.... was a fun read.  : )
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