Destination Weddings Discussions

To AHR or not to AHR (long)

Hey Ladies,So i am not sure if you remember but i had drama with the FMIL about our wedding. She wanted to invite all her friends, but of course not all of them can come because its a DW. She kept convincing us to do it here (no way!), so as a compromise i said we'll think about a AHR (which we'll also have to pay for ourselves).Well, i've been looking at venues, and anything decent is equivalent of an actual wedding here. My FI is not questoning the whole thing because he says we can't afford to do "two weddings". Anyway, the dilemma comes from his BM. FI told him about the venue search and he comes back with "Well, if you're doing it here, then im ot coming to your DW".I am not sure if he was joking, but i got kind of offended. We never made anyone come, and asked him to be FI's BM after they said they will be coming... Now i feel like he's doing us a favour by coming. Should I ask him and his gf (who is my BM) if they were serious?As background, they are also planning a wedding, and said they might come for 5 days instead of 7 (which is totally fine by me).... but now i feel like they dont want to go at all.So should we even consider the AHR? Everything is pointing against it, it seems.

Re: To AHR or not to AHR (long)

  • We're in a similiar situation, both sets of parents have said we need to have an AHR because a number of family won't be able to go to a DW - have you thought about doing a more 'casual' AHR? We've been looking at marquees in the garden for drinks/canapes & I've heard ideas of just inviting everyone to a local park for a picnic, etc.We're really worried about people saying, well we won't come to the DW then, but I think a lot of people do want to be there for the actual ceremony.  I'd suggest having a chat with BM & his gf to see if they are serious & also, if you're doing the AHR, plan it so it's casual rather than a full on second wedding?Good luck!
  • If you're only doing it for that person and your FMIL I wouldn't do it. Just from your post about it you sound like it's not really something you want. If all the people who are important to you and your FI are on board and going with you, I don't think it is necessary. HTH!
  • Thanks ladies. The AHR is not something that i really want either (although i wouldn't mind seeing everyone who couldn't come to the ceremony). However, i see it as a compromise with the FMIL who wanted a big, huge party. I wasn't thinking of anything too formal either, but I doubt we could get away with a picnic in a park (just because of our families who love to eat and party). I guess i should just have a talk with BM and his gf... i mean they were the only people that said they are for sure coming, no matter what. Everyone else is still kind of dodging my probing (obviously it's still early). Maybe it should be a secret AHR..lol.
  • A few things that helped when we started looking for venues for our AHR: - Don't go with the wedding package, use the party package and add on if nec - Try for a sunday prices are much less expensive - Brunch or Lunch are wonderful alternatives - Depending on your guest list think of doing a cash bar. - Finally think about having a 4 hour event instead of 5 it can save you tons. By applying these things we are going to be able to have a really nice AHR and kind of get the best of both worlds. Good Luck
  • I hear you on this Iris...it's frustrating.  We have no idea what our AHR is going to look like yet, but we are leaning toward just having a BBQ at home next summer.  If because of numbers we need to have it at a bigger venue, we are going to still keep it as casual as possible; there are a lot of places around that offer BBQ catering menus during summer that are pretty reasonable.  It just doesn't make sense to us to have an AHR that costs as much as a regular wedding reception would...part of the reason we decided to do a DW was to avoid that cost!  Good luck!
  • Iris - I think it's a question only you can answer.  If you really don't want it, then don't do it. I wanted to because we have quite a few friends and family who aren't going, and I wanted to have an opportunity for them to come celebrate for us.  But we're doing it super cheap.  I'm hoping we'll have a house by then, and we'll just buy a ton of booze and have a giant BBQ.  If not, we'll use a friends place.  We refuse to spend more than another 1000 on it, I know how you feel about having to pay another ton of money, the equivalent of another 'small wedding' here.  Let us know what you decide!  
  • Iris- I agree with pp, you should only do it if having one is important to you and FI. We haven't definitely decided on having an AHR yet, but if we do, it will prob be an "open house" type deal that will be very informal.  I looked into having a Friday night cocktail party, but haven't found a place I like for it and am not willing to pay a fortune for.  GL!  Just remember, this isn't your FMIL's wedding, so don't kill yourself trying to please her!
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