An issue with our Destination Wedding! NEED HELP!

Aschollmeyer

My fiance and I have picked an adults only resort for our destination wedding. My fiance's sister is now pregnant and expecting at the end of February. She's has "mentioned" on more than one occasion that we should really consider changing our venue to a kid friendly resort so she can bring her 8 month old baby to our wedding. She is now very upset with us and saying that she's not going to come if she can't bring her child with or her husband can't come to the wedding because he would stay back with the baby . A few of our other siblings have decided that they aren't going to come to the wedding, but our hometown reception instead to see family and friends. Which we both understand and are ok with. This has been mentioned to my fiances sister by more than just us, but now is taking it that we don't want her to be there. I know we can't please everyone...trust me I know. But holidays and vistits home have now been very uncomfortable, because she'll corner me about it when my fiance isn't around. I try to keep the peace, but end up making her more mad. I don't know how to deal with this situation...any ideas?

gabi829

Since you're having a hometown reception, I don't think you should feel obligated to change your venue just to accommodate her.  She probably doesn't realize how difficult it will be to travel anywhere with an 8-month old child and might even delight in the opportunity to leave the kid with a nanny/babysitter/trusted family member for a few days.  If you've already booked your venue, then you shouldn't give into her emotional blackmail.  It's your wedding and it is very considerate of you to try to assuage her concerns.

nycbride2011

I guess it would depend how close your fiance is with his sister; and how much it would mean to him (and i guess her) that she came.

sarlah

I'm sorry but I don't think you need to change anything, especially if she knew you were having it at an adults only location before she got pregnant. I'm not saying she should have to plan her life around your wedding, but she knew what the deal was when she got PG. It's pretty unfair of her to expect you guys to change your plans to accommodate her - especially since you're having an AHR. She can go to that and bring her baby.My FBIL & his wife are PG again, they decided to get PG knowing we were getting married in Mexico and are now starting to insinuate she/they may not be able to come because it's Mexico and she will be 7 months PG then. Well, sorry but that's not my problem. They knew what the plan was and decided to get PG anyway, I'm not changing our plans for them, just like they didn't change theirs for us.

CraziStarr

We dealt with this same situation. We checked with everyone first, and all decided to leave their children at home. However, FSIL got pregnant shortly after, and is due in March (Wedding in June). FSIL decided that she would be unable to find anyone to watch both her children, since it's usually her family that watches her daughter when her and her husband vacation (and they will be along, of course).I agree with a post above --- talk with FI and see how he feels about the situation. I know it's unfair, and quite frankly very rude of your FSIL to pressure you into changing, but it might come down to how imporant it is to FI to have his sister there. Since we were very early in the planning stages, it was easy for us to re-gear our resort search to a family-friendly location. However --- if you are much deeper in the process, and have deposits made, I would stick it out and not change resorts.As a tip - if you do decide to go "family-friendly", I'd look for something that allows children, but itsn't children-focused. Sorry for the novel!

Aschollmeyer

Thanks for your input!  My fiance isn't close to his sister.  They really don't have anything in common except liking the same football and baseball team. I am more irritated about the fact that she thinks it would be appropriate anyways to bring a baby.  The baby can't be outside in the caribbean sun all day, so someone will have to sit inside with the baby.  My guess it's going to be my FMIL.  How is that fair to her?  I've also explained to her that none of our other friends and family were planning on brining their children from the start, and loved the idea that it's an adults only vacation.  I find her to be very selfish thinking that we need to change the dynamic of the week with our group so she can be the only one to bring a child.  There is now even mention that we are wreaking the babies first holidays. Our wedding will be around Thanksgiving (We are getting married two days before thanksgiving 2010), and our reception is right after Christmas, so all the attention will be on us and not rightfully on the baby.  My fiance and I have different views on why she is behaving this way.  He thinks that it's because she doesn't understand that we are ok with her not being there, and feel obligated to make it.  I think she looks at it as a free vacation for her family since mom and dad will pay for most of it.Sorry, now I'm just venting.  It's very frustrating to me.... I can't say anything to my fiances family because the women will cry at a drop of a hat....UGH!  The more and more I deal with her though the more I'm tempted too.

caymans_christy

We had a similar situation with my FSIL. She didnt ask us to change anything, but she made a couple of comments. I left it up to my FI and he handled it - if your FI is saying he is okay with her not being there... trust him. As far as your FSIL's attention seeking for the "baby's first holiday", um I dont think the kid is going to remember, or understand, Christmas at 8mo. FSIL needs to grow up. Christmas Day will be about the baby, but your AHR should be about you two. It sounds to me like she would find something (i.e. flag day) to hang her hat on and complain about. P.S. I think it is great that you want your FMIL to enjoy herself at your wedding.

sarlah

All I can say is - WTF?! Good gracious! The world doesn't stop because she has a baby. The first holidays are about the parents anyway,  not the baby. The baby won't remember or care about them at all at 8mos! What she is saying is you are ruining her first holiday with her baby. Look, lets break it down here - she is having a baby and wants all of the attention and focus on her. You are getting married and are (rightfully) requiring attention and time from people, essentially taking that focus from her. I'm sorry if I sound mean, but my FBIL is exactly like this and it drives me insane. I've reached my boiling point with selfish people.

caymans_christy

I feel for you (and sarahl)...  IMO, it comes down to what is important to the individual.  For the bride and groom - are the people you want to be there going to be there?  For the guest, is it important enough to be there for your brother/sister/friend?  My FI's sister isn't coming to the wedding, but one of my good friends, who will have her baby a month after the FSIL, said that she wouldn't miss it for the world.  I certainly understand my FSIL's position (and would love for her to come), but since FI is ok with it... so am I.  Honestly, I would have been fine with my friend not coming - I would understand.  But petty comments and complaining would be my breaking point.I hope that you work things out and find a way to deal with her.  It sounds like it is going to be a long 16 months!  Can you just walk away from her whenever she starts in on the subject?  Good luck!

ericandcindy

Oh this type of behavior infuriates me.  I can't believe some people have the nerve to ask you something like that.  Just to be a punk I would ask her the next time she corners you if she would have considered planning baby making around your wedding.  If not then why on Earth would you plan your wedding on their new baby.  I understand she'll be a new mom but honestly.

chosen175

Is there anyone in your FI's family who could knock some sense into this spoiled lil girl? Maybe FMIL or FFIL can talk to her and make her realize that yes, having a baby is an awesome thing, but it doesn't necessitate everyone in the world changing their plans to suit her. My suggestion would be to have your FI sit down and talk to her - not you. This is HIS family issue and if you put YOUR foot down, it could stir up a whole bunch of family drama on his side. If she continues to corner you, make nasty comments, etc I would politely say "There haven't been any changes since the last time you ask, but if you decide not to attend we understand." You are so right - she has no idea what it will be like to have an 8 month old on a plane, in a hotel sleeping in a strange bed, dealing with running out of diapers in a foreign land, etc. Babies and heat don't mix. She will just learn that the hard way. I feel bad, because I know what it's like to be all hormonal and pregnant - things fly out of your mouth before you can catch them. I did that a lot, and I TRULY felt awful about it. Eventually, that all calmed down - maybe in a few months she won't be so hormonal and will be more approachable and sensible. I would probably offer to let her bring someone with her to watch the baby, and tell them they're welcome to stay at another resort but remind them that it's $xxx for her to get onto the resort for the wedding, which she'd have to pay for. And I'd also tell them that the "babysitter" would not be invited to any of the wedding activities. My guess is that she was looking forward to the trip and now that she's pg, she is starting to realize her life is about to change in a MAJOR way and this is her one last stance against the changes that are coming. Don't take it personally. And DON'T change your venue!