Destination Weddings Discussions

Who gets invited to shower and stagette?

I'm a bridesmaid for my FSIL who is getting married in Hawaii this winter.  The wedding is going to be very small and cheap and just immediate family and closest friends, for a total of about 20-25 people showing up in Hawaii.  No reception upon coming home for people who can't make it.  The bride is sending invitations out to some distant family that she doesn't expect to come, but in terms of friends she is not inviting many (or any really that I know of).  However the MOH wants to start figuring out the planning for the showers and stagette(s) since we are both planning our own weddings shortly after Hawaii.  What is the ettiquette on who to invite to these parties?  From what I understand from the MOB, MOH, and bride, they are wanting to invite people to these parties who aren't invited to the wedding in Hawaii.
So what is the rule for who should be invited?  Is it acceptable to invite all of your friends on your stagette but telling them the wedding is small and destination?  Is it acceptable for the bride and MOB to invite people to the shower (ie. her boss, the MOB's friends) who weren't invited to the wedding?  As bridesmaid I don't mind helping plan and host these parties for people who were invited to the wedding but can't afford to go, to make her feel special and enjoy her time as the bride.  But I think that if you choose to have a small intimate wedding, you cannot expect to have big parties for all your friends who you didn't want to pay for to celebrate at the wedding itself.   How are you (or your bridesmaids) handling your stagettes and showers???

Also on another note, I know the bride wants to ask for cash gifts for the wedding but the showers I have been to have never had monetary gifts EVER.  Cash gifts only came for the wedding gift.  I feel like it is rude of her to ask people to attend a shower and give cash, as these are usually more personal and practical gifts that you get to show off to everyone. 

I feel that some of her behavior and expectations from the guests and friends is completely out of line.  As the bridesmaid, am I obligated to gently tell her so she doesn't piss people off, or should I just grin and bear it and keep people happy?  Everyone involved in this (MOB, MOH, FSIL) is going to be in my family as well so I should tread a bit carefully.  Thanks in advance!  This is stressing me out a bit!

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