I've been avoiding this issue but... WWYD?

bbuckner984

I have been trying to avoid this issue, but since the wedding is getting close (as evidenced by my morning post) I better make up my mind on this. 

So....

My family history is muy complicado. My mom has been married 3 times, my dad first, sister's dad 2nd, most recent ex stepdad 3rd. She is now in a committed, non marrying, relationship with a man we all love. He is obviously invited, and attending our wedding as my mom's escort. 

I do not talk to my bio dad. He gave up custody of me when I was 2. I have had sporadic contact with his daughter from his first marriage, but she won't be at the wedding. There are LOADS of daddy type issues here, but suffice to say, he is out of the picture. 

Sister's dad is the guy I call dad (except in front of my grandmother- who is semi-evil and hates him with a passion). He paid for the last 2 years of my college, has been a wonderful father to my sister, and he and my mom now have a great friendship. He is also paying for our wedding. 

3rd stepdad and I are still in contact, but I am the only person in my family who is talking to him. He is not invited to the wedding. 

So.... I always thought, and have expressed to my mom and her side of the family on several occasions, that my mom would walk me down the aisle. I would like to continue this thought. However, since dad (J) has always been such a huge part of my life, both emotionally and financially and is PAYING FOR THE WEDDING I feel obligated to ask him to escort me as well. With the animosity towards him from my maternal grandparents (who are also a large part of my life and VERY judgy) I feel really awkward about it though. Andplusalso, i feel like this is something my mom and I should share, since for quite awhile she was my mom and dad also. 

So... WWYD? Have them both walky and deal with the rage of the elders? Mom only and possibly dissapoint him (sis is a lesbian, so this might only be the shot he has at the big give away)? Walk my own happy rear down the aisle and eff it all? 

I am so confused... dont want to hurt anyone's feelings... and frankly kind of looking forward to 2 months and 1 day from now when I don't have to worry about these things anymore. 

CN: yeah sorry... there is no easy way to summarize that. 

jtoly

I think that if you and your dad have a good relationship, and your mom is on good terms with him, you should def have both walk you down the aisle if that is what you want. I wouldn't let anyone guilt you into not doing it. If this is something you really want, you'll be disappointed when it's over and you didn't do it. If your doing it because you feel obligated then maybe it's not a good idea but it sounds like he's been supporting you your whole life and I think it's a very nice gesture! What does your mom think?

goodine11

I think the dad that you call dad, and help pay for the wedding should walk you down with your mother. The animosity that your grandmother has for him is obviously not reflected in you two's relationship. 

loramarie03

I don't think you should feel guilty if you want him to walk you down the aisle with your mom. I think he would be honored and appreciative if you let him join in on this special moment. 

ridgebackbride

Both walk you down the aisle.

bbuckner984

Thank you all for your feedback. I do think I am going to talk to my mom first and see what she thinks about this. In all honesty, she is the one whose feelings I am most concerned about. I think the fact that they have an awesome friendship now should help, but IDK if she will feel like she is sharing the day. 

So... say she is not in favor of this arrangement. Do you think acknowledging him as the host, IE mentioning him on the program, thanking him personally at the welcome party and the reception, would be good? I already have been planning my speech in my mind and most of it centers around thanking him so much for being such a huge part of my life. 

It is really not all about pleasing my grandmother- trust me, that is a futile attempt. IT is about making both of my parents feel happy and as much of a part of our day as possible. 

jtoly

Sounds like a great idea. Talk to your mom and go from there. Is he assuming he is walking you down the aisle?

Erinkathleen84

Listen to your heart and do not let what others say influence your decision. A lot of people have both parents walk them down the aisle. If this is what you want this is what you should do ! I know it is a tough situation for you, and if you do not feel comfortable with having both parents...maybe do like you said and acknowledge him during your toast. And maybe plan a sweet gift to give him at the welcome party that you can present to him.

venus909

I agree that you should talk to your mom and go from there.  If your mom is ok with it, I think the best option is to have your mom and "dad" walk you down the aisle.

nicolej518

Talk to your mom and see what she thinks. Have you considered doing a father/daughter dance with him?

BMcLeodTeam

I agree with PPs, talk with your Mom and go from there

kimmykupcakes

For sure, both walk you down. The man walking me down the aisle was my mom's BF 8 yrs. He's the one who took care of me like a father and has always been there for my daughter and I. He will be coming to the wedding and is the only person who is helping us with the wedding. I asked him to walk my down the aisle and he was so honored when I did. You should for sure ask him. Don't worry about what others think. It's about what your relationship is with him.

shannon5176

I agree with the ladies who have said you should talk to your mom and go from there.  If she is ok with it, which it sounds like she should be, then do what you want. 

If you are really that concerned about your grandmother's reaction have your mom run interferance.  Have her let your grandmother know how it's working in advance (privately) so there aren't any shocked looks at the rehearsal.  It will be easier for your mom to speak with her than for you to address it.  Ultimately I would hope granny respects your decision and keeps her mouth shut. lol

BttrSkoch0604

I have a VERY similar situation.  My mom and "step-dad" aren't married, tho they've been together for 13 years.  My mom gave me away at my first wedding.  I also danced with her for the parent dance.  My step-dad was introduced with my mother for the reception (they walked in) while my bio dad and wicked step-monster were introduced at their seats.  I also made a special "thank you" card for him (like I did when I was a kid) and I asked him to be present while I was getting ready.

In your case, if your mom is uncomfortable sharing the "give away moment", maybe you should have a special dance with him.  I couldn't do this with my step-dad bc he's not very...umm...affectionate.  LOL!  But I did have a special dance with my boss (who is like another father). 

HTH!!

pumpkin32311

It is your wedding! It sounds like you want him to walk you down the aisle. I think we all fall into that trap of trying to please everyone else on what is supposed to be our special day. If they love you, they will deal with it and get over it. It's about YOU not anyone else.