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Need advice--sorry, its a bit long

First, we decided to move our wedding up to December 2011 (instead of November 2012.) We really didn't want to wait that long to begin with but we expected to be paying for the wedding ourselves so we needed time to save, but both of our parents offered to contribute sizable amounts so yay wedding within a year!

Now that our wedding is sooner we have to get started pretty much right away, so we talked about our guest list today. He mentioned that he wanted to invite his ex-girlfriend, which is fine with me. I've met her, shes perfectly nice, and she's been with someone else for over 3 years. So you'd think all would be peachy, but FI seemed offended that I wasn't jealous he wanted to invite her. I explained to him the reasons I listed before and that he'll be marrying me, not her and her presence won't change that but he still seems angry. He said "If you wanted to invite [insert ex-boyfriend's name] I would never let that happen without at least trying to fight it." I kindly reminded him that [insert ex-boyfriend's name] is an asshole and I'd never even want to invite him. After this we stopped talking about the wedding and he still seems a little peeved hours later. I'm hoping it'll blow over and we can finish our preliminary guest list tonight so we can start looking for venues, but if it doesn't how to approach the subject again? Did any of you have to deal with inviting the exes? How did you (or would you) handle it?
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Re: Need advice--sorry, its a bit long

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    edited December 2011
    I think the more pressing question is why is your FI playing mind games with you?  He either wants to invite her, or doesn't, but he shouldn't be playing games just to see your reaction/make you jealous.  
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    nanigans918nanigans918 member
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    edited December 2011
    That's a good point, I never even thought of it as mind games. I just figured he sincerely wanted to invite her, but he expected some sort of a reaction out of me other than just moving on to inviting my friends from college. He's usually really up front and rational so it was unexpected for him to get mad that I was okay with it. 
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-philadelphia_need-advice-sorry-its-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:105Discussion:233d2188-b6b6-4fd8-be3e-2a42292f7b00Post:ef170e7a-6aa9-443c-b781-a1e5db78c2c8">Re: Need advice--sorry, its a bit long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think the more pressing question is why is your FI playing mind games with you?  He either wants to invite her, or doesn't, but he shouldn't be playing games just to see your reaction/make you jealous.  
    Posted by ooodsie[/QUOTE] ditto.  He wants you to get jealous?! Weird.
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    lisalaroclisalaroc member
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    edited December 2011
    Yeah I am confused as why he wants you to be jealous so badly...

    But if you do need to approach it again, I would maybe open with asking him that!  I really think if it becomes that big of an issue, I personally would just not invite her and end it at that.  If he wants you to be jealous, maybe he doesn't truly want her there?  I am just totally guessing here though.  I haven't had any experience with this as my FI and I aren't really close with any of our exes.
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    Stacylynn702Stacylynn702 member
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP.  I think there's something else going on if he got upset that you weren't jealous.  If he thought you were going to put up a fight about it, he shouldn't have asked you in the first place.  This is a little strange.  I would like to think that DH wouldn't specifically say something in hopes that I'd get upset about it. 

    Also, to answer your question, we drew a line at exes.  I'm the one who is friends still  with an ex but I personally wouldn't have been comfortable having him there and I know DH probably would have been uncomfortable so it was kind of an unspoken rule with the guest list. 

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    edited December 2011
    Ummm, yeah.  My DH's ex was his best maid, if that tells you anything on where I am going to go with this.

    Though I do agree with PP.  There is something more going on here, something under the surface, and it sounds to me like you need to let everything calm for 3 or more days, depending on your FI- no mention of it whatsoever.  Then you need to sit down and rationally discuss this, when you both have time to talk it out.

    In the end, if it is that big of a deal, don't invite her.  But if you are really that close to her, then you need to have a talk with your FI.

    On a side note, and you will get to this point when discussing the guest list- do you REALLY need her there, especially if you are trying not to overspend?  Is she that close to you and FI?  Is this argument even necessary?  Just curious.
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    edited December 2011
    Huh. That's an odd comment for him to make...

    FI's ex will be at our wedding... but we're both friends with her, so it's not odd for us. But for him to be attempting to get a rise out of you?
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    nanigans918nanigans918 member
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    edited December 2011
    Thank you for the advice! We talked this morning, FI actually brought it up because he wanted to apologize. He said he didn't know what he was thinking and he didn't plan to react like that. He didn't want me to be jealous but something just hit him when I wasn't--he was all prepared to comfort me and explain why he wanted to invite her in the first place if I got upset (basically the same reasons I gave for not being upset plus somethings like she's friends with all his friends who will be there and she's actually really happy for us) I asked him if he even really wanted her there, maybe this was his subconscious telling him he didn't actually want her to celebrate with us, FI said he honestly thought he did want her to come but now he's not so sure. I told him to put her on the lists and when we have to make cuts, she'll be the first one we discuss that way we both have time to actually think about it and rationally decide. But this means we get to finish our guest list tonight (thankfully, no more exes) and actually start planning the rest of our wedding:)
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    Stacylynn702Stacylynn702 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That sounds like a good plan.  One person isn't going to make or break your list at this point.  Have fun with your list!

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    edited December 2011
    Glad to hear thought about his reaction without you bringing it up first and talked to you about it. 
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