Married Ladies: "What's yours is mine"

Stacylynn702

Do you honestly practice this in your marriage?  I'm having a very difficult time being able to accept money from DH.  I just flat out won't do it.  I mean, if we run out of food for lunch and he gives me a few dollars to pick up a sandwich, that's not a big deal.  I'm talking about for trips and clothes and things like that.  I know other couples who have no problem doing this but it's just not in me.  People IRL are making me feel like I'm crazy.  What do you think?

Stacylynn702

We have 2 joint accounts which I don't spend from at all.  Trying to use that as savings for the future.  We also have our own separate accounts.

Stacylynn702

I've actually been in situations in the last 3 months where I didn't have the money to do something and people said to me "You're married now, let him pay for it."  I was speechless.

ooodsie

Yeah for us theres definitely no "him paying for it" or "me paying for it" .. we just pay for whatever it is.  It's coming out of the same place, doesn't matter which one of us reaches for our wallets first - his credit card is the same as mine.

Beagle211

It depends on how you have set up your finances.  Is everything combined? Is it separate and you split everything equally or according to income?

I'm not married,. but I've got the same thing as you going on. Part of it is a "I am woman, hear me roar" mentality that I've got going on, that I can do it on my own.  I've got a lot of my identity wrapped up in being independent, and sometimes it's hard for me to let go and have FI take oare of me or do something like that for me because I feel like I should be able to do it myself.

ooodsie

We have joint accounts and consider all of our money as "ours".  I actually don't really even give a second thought to how much his paycheck is vs mine. 

The only thing that bugged me was our first Christmas - it didn't feel as exciting knowing that I basically bought my own presents since it came out of our joint account .. to fix that, we both opened separate savings accounts, and have $50 each paycheck.  That way by Christmas time we both have enough money to spend on each other and not use our "joint" account, therefore making it more of a surprise/more exciting.  

DianaM27

FI and I aren't married yet obviously but we've been living together fro 5 years and we both have our own checking accounts and split the big things like roomies and then we buy individual things on our own and take turns with going out to eat. But now as we are getting closer to wedding day and being married FI says his money is mine, but I'm like you Stacy I can't get used to that idea. We plan on opening a joint account soon and having half of our paychecks go into it for couple like expenses but also keep our own. I come from a divorced family where my parents shared and it was really hard for my mom when they got seperated and I just learned i never wanna feel like that and feel like i don't have my own money. So that's partly why I wanna keep my own and then I also don't wanna feel like I have to ask to spend money on silly girly things.

I've talked to my married buddies and they all have different scenarios some are completely combined and others have one joint and then seperate checking accounts to do their own thing. I don't think your weird about this I think you have to do what makes you comfortable.

Stacylynn702

Diana, we are kind of like you.  Dated almost 8 years now, lived together for 6 years and even owned our house for almost 4 years.  That's a lot of sharing and we always have split things based on our salaries.  Even with a joint account, I feel guilty taking from that.

Stacylynn702

On the bright side, we are bottling a beer tonight for a Yards clone competition in a couple of weeks.  I came up with the perfect name for our homebrew based on how I've been feeling:  "What's mine is Yards".  Maybe it's a sign

Ms.BriarRose

Stacey, this was an issue with DH and I, especially with me not working.  We finally met with one of the CPAs who is a member at our church, and he set us up with a brilliant plan that works really well.

Basically, you have three accounts at one bank: his, mine, and ours.  All three are linked.  The "our" account is what big bills- mortgage, rent, electric- is paid out of.  Then, the other two accounts, his and mine, get a weekly allowance deposited into them from the joint account. 

This not only helps with the "I am using his money", but it also helps us with savings- we set it up so that we get the alloted amount a week, and once that money is gone, that's it (we did the budget, so we made sure that it covers gas, etc).  That way, the money in the joint account is building up at the same time.  We do allow for more money in the single accounts during different times of the year- anniversary, Christmas, birthdays, etc. 

Doing it this way, depositing into one and then pulling into from that, really does away with the whole "but that's his dollar and this is my dollar".  You are both saving up equally and working towards those big goals together.  It also allows for some nice flexibility, since you can change the amount going into the individual accounts.

I think, if this goes on and makes you that uncomfortable, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with DH.  If it goes on beyond that, I might even suggest meeting with a therapist to figure out why it's such a big deal for you- not saying it's bad, but it seems like there might be another reason that you want to make sure you have your own money.  Please don't take that as I think you need therapy, because I don't at all- it was just a suggestion for a long ways down the road (I tend to suggest it, with DH going to school to be a therapist).

The other thing you might consider doing is meeting with a CPA, especially one that specializes or works with lots of younger people/newly married couples.  I know it was a huge help for us, especially me, since I don't work and felt bad taking his hard earned money. 

In the end, I firmly believe that this is not an issue about money (for any couple, not just you); I think it boils down to trust, independence, etc.  My mom is appalled that I don't have my own bank account that DH does not have access to.  I would expect that from her; my dad left her with no money and two kids to support, so she doesn't trust men much and thinks every woman who is married should rely on themselves.  It's a trust thing, even if it's just a small one. 

I think if you sit down with DH and talk it out, you will be fine and be able to figure this out no problem

jackiebean26

FI and I just recently combined bank accounts (we still each have our own seperate savings).  i feel guilty spending money that i know i wouldnt have if our accounts werent combined.  (i am actually at work right now working some OT to make me feel better).   so unless FI says 'go ahead and buy those new clothes you want' i wont spend it becuase even though, whats yours is mine, i still feel guilty.

dibsontop

We have three accounts.  A shared account that was opened when we first moved in together and then our own personal accounts so that we can buy things guilt free or buy gifts for each other.

One thing that was huge for us was to set up a budget.  Every dollar that comes in is budgeted to a category for expenses.  From savings, to mortgage and utilities down to dining out and going to the movies.  When we set this up, we decided on a small amount from each paycheck that went to our personal accounts, and everything else goes to a joint account.  Essentially, everything is paid for with OUR money unless it's something we want to buy for ourselves using our own money.

DianaM27

Stacy- Love the name of the new brew!! I'd def vote for it to be the winner!

Amerbutt81

I must start this with stating I am obnoxiously independant.  So much so that I desperately need a new cellphone and JEGs and I have almost gotten into fights because I will not let him buy me one.

That being said, we have a joint account that we use to pay for things like rent, insurance, utilities, cell phone, food and savings, etc.  I also have built in about $70-$100 a month of "fun money" for the two of us to go out to dinner or drinks.

We also have our seperate accounts for our personal bills- my school loans, his credit cards and spending money.  This works for us beause he has a very expensive hobby (cars) and I love clothes.  If we were sharing our spending money, I would feel guilty buying something because I know that I would be afraid it would be keeping him from purchasing something he wanted.  Plus, I don't want him having to pay my ungodly school bills.

I don't think there is really a cut and dry answer, it's just whatever works for you. How long have you guys been sharing money?   Has it been recently?   Sometimes it takes a little bit to iron out the kinks and get into the groove.

ButtonsPepper

We have one checking account, and one savings account. Savings is ING and comes out of our checking. Both have both names. We also have a Sovereign account that is technically in just my name for a car loan, but we just put a few thousand in there to let direct withdraw pay for my car loan (we got a better rate doing it this way). Our money goes into the checking, and it's just ours. We have separate credit cards, but they are paid out of the joint checking... so we have everything combined. It works well for us because neither one of us are shoppers for anything, so it's no big deal. 

nicole8586

We have a joint account then separate accounts. Like Amy I can not combine my student loans with our bills, I just don't feel that is fare.

I guess I am in the independent club, DH has work tonight and asked if I was going out with my friends I said eh I may just stay in I don't have the money to go out and he said he would give me money to go out but I feel guilty taking it.

Stacylynn702

The problem isn't me needing to have money.  I'm okay with doing without if i can't afford something.  The issue is being able to accept money from DH.  We have everything organized with bills, mortgage...

We've had a joint account for almost 2 years.    We also have money in funds and such to earn interest.  I should stress that I am a SAVER.

This is coming from the fact that DH's family is taking a 5 day vacation in March to CO.  For the mountain house and airfare, it will cost about $600/pp.  Well, I do not have that kind of money.  His family does not understand how I don't have it.  They also think I should allow DH to pay.  I don't feel comfortable with that.   Someone also commented that we have money from the wedding.  In my mind, that money is not for blowing, it's for saving for our future.  

I know that is a decent price for a house and airfare, it's just that it wasn't something I was budgeting for.  I am also taking into consideration that I will be spending money there.

ev4149

I think so much depends on your personal scenario.  FI and I have very different finances, and we don't live together yet.  Right now we have a joint account for wedding purposes, and two separate accounts.  I am very independent also - prior to getting engaged, I had already bought my own house, and I have a car that's fully paid for.  I have school loans and a mortgage, FI has neither.  We will keep the joint account and separate accounts.  I like being independent and being able to manage my own spending, but then I like the idea of having the joint account for big things when we need it.

EDIT:  I think if DH wants to pay for your vacation, that should be something you should consider.  When we went away this past summer to Colorado, I paid for airfare, hotels, and car rental.  DH paid for food.  It was for my friend's wedding, so I felt responsible for paying, if that makes any difference.

ooodsie

Stacy - if it's a family vacation you should consider letting him pay ... it's his family, he's your husband, just pretend it's like when you were dating and he's being all sorts of gentlemanly and giving you a gift of a vacation

dibsontop

I guess in our situation in comes down to us coming to an understanding of what we value as a couple to spend our money on.  We budget for things like vacations as part of our joint belief that we'd like to spend time travleing either together or with our families.  So it wouldn't be a matter of ME not being able to afford a family trip, it would be that WE couldn't afford it because we've chosen to spend (or save) or money in other ways.

For every couple it's going to be different.  If there was a right way, then they'd hand out instructions on how to do it when you get married.  It comes down to what works best for you.

Are you mostly concerned with how other people (friends, inlaws, coworkers, etc.) comment on how you and our husband handle your finances?  Or do you and your husband disagree about it?

DianaM27

I agree with Ooodsie on the family vacation. Since it is his family and now they are your in-law family to let FI budget for the trip and it be a kind of gentlemanly present for you and then you could pick up food or something while on the trip.

And it's probably hard for you to feel comfortable with the idea of spending on something you hadn't originally budgeted yourself as you described yourself as a SAVER...I am sooo the same-love saving and seeing the numbers in my bank account go up   So enjoy a "free" trip and save your bucks..hehe

ButtonsPepper

I'd be in the same situaton as DH makes a lot more then me, but as I said, it all goes into one account, so vacations/when i go out/when he goes out/what i buy/what he buys, all comes from the same pot..

I'd say since it's his family, you should consider letting him pay, as it's a fam. vacation for his family. Vacation is something we love to do together, so if we had separate bank accounts, the vacations would be what goes in our joint.... as I really feel that's a joint thing, but as other said, everyone and every relationship is different. G/L!

miguelhilary2010

Stacy - for the trip... of he can pay without it being a problem, let him do it.  It's a family vacation and HIS family is you, so you should be there with him.

As for everyday "need a little extra this week" money, it should be ok to use his money here and there, or borrow against shared money to hold you over until your next paycheck.  Just discuss it with him to make sure he's completely comfortable with that, no questions asked, no string attached.  You are married, and you should be able to share money without feeling guilty.

H and I have a mine, yours and ours accounts like some people mentioned.  Our paychecks are deposited into our individual accounts, and we each deposit/transfer money into our joint account just for household bills.  I have my own checking and savings accounts, and so does he.  We both pay for our own bills, and treat each other when we go out but realistically its all combined money.  When I need more $, I ask him, or if he needs it, I'll front him.  We're pretty open about finances because we started dating when neither of us had anything so we needed to rely on each other a lot.  I'm very independent when it comes to earning my own money and supporting myself, but I'm not independent from H... I'm independent from asking my parents for help or getting a bank loan.  We're in it together.

Stacylynn702

Thanks girls. 

caraellen23

Wow, lots of good advice and different situations!  I don't have much to add...Stacy, its a matter of personal preference and what works for you and your situation.  In this instance, I'd go on the vacation if you both can afford it together, and not sit out becuase you can't afford it on your own. Things like that, in my mind, are joint expenses.

Personally, we have a joint checking, joint savings and I have my own personal checking.  Because of a pretty big salary discrepency, DH's salary goes towards all bills and monthly expenses. Unless we're strapped that month, or we are doing something like buying a home, my salary goes into savings.  It works for us, especially because DH has a lot more in bills than I do, he has a big car payment and student loan payment every month.  I don't have any car payment and my student loan is currently front-loaded (and cheap enough monthly as it is). 

I had a hard time when we started dating because I was just always poor.   We've worked things out as they've come up (vacations, gifts, etc.)  I leave money in my personal checking every month for things like gifts, surprises and little things for myself.  But together we've determined that any purchases over $200, we'd check in with each other.  We're both pretty responsible financially and neither of us are big shoppers, spenders, etc.  We spend the majority of our extra money on food and travel, and we're doing that together. 

You just have to find out what works for you.  I read a decent book called Financially Ever After, that I recommend if anyone wants to look into this subject more.

PS - Good luck with the brew!  DH and I joke around all the time and say "what's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine."

Stacylynn702

Thanks Cara.  I think he's gonna pay for me just for the fact that I'm tired of taking crap from people.  I don't want to seem like a bad DIL and it's been pointed out multiple times that it's a family trip and I am family.  While that makes me feel good to hear that, it also makes me feel bad that I don't have the money so I might as well suck it up and just admit that DH has it so I might as well let him "take care of me".  To make up for it, I plan to put a little extra in our joint account each month as I know he won't let me pay him back so rather, I'll pay us back.

It's hard for me b/c he makes over twice as much as I do.  I feel guilty if I can't afford necessities and I don't consider a vacation a necessity especially since we just took a 10 night trip to Jamaica.  There have been times that I was a little late (a week or so) giving him my percentage of the mortgage payment and I feel terrible when that happens, like I'm not holding my own weight.  Our mortgage automatically comes out of his account and then I just write a check to him every month.  We bought the house about 4 years ago before we had joint accounts so that's why it's set up like that. 

Stacylynn702

Flights booked.  Thanks again everyone. 

Bride_to_be_2011

 In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-philadelphia_married-ladies-whats-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:105Discussion:54edc853-8dbd-42af-a0dd-31117f0c3873Post:852d60b1-476b-416a-98f2-022d76c415aa">Re: Married Ladies: "What's yours is mine"</a>:
[QUOTE]Flights booked.  Thanks again everyone. 
Posted by Stacylynn702[/QUOTE]yay!

Stacylynn702

I just got off the phone with FIL and his response and happiness that I'm going makes me feel better about this.

I'm excited b/c it's to go see BIL who just got home from Afghanistan.  That's why we're going out there, they live in Denver.  It would have really broken my heart to not go.  DH is so understanding of my financial situation and I'm lucky to have him.

nancyr

Old married MOB here so I'll chime in since I've been there, done that.  When we were first married we had one account, both of us were working and I was gung ho put it all together.  Over the years I found it's better to work out budgeting since my spouse is a MAC-a-holic or debit card aholic if youl ike and he'd take money out, not write it down and just hold onto receipts forever not telling me.  Needless to say we had mega loud fights about it after quiet discussions did not work.  Finally we divided up the bills, and each have our own accounts and are responsible for them.  It's not I  don't use my mac card, I use it all the time for groceries and things I buy.  I just keep TRACK of it.  He's still bad about it but he's learning, after thirty YEARS I finally convinced him that the amount on the mac receipt wasn't necessary what was available to spend.  I think handling money is very couple specific and depends on the spending habits of the two people.  But just as an aside, after all these years of marriage I will say it IS important to have your own money and your own credit.  Don't give that up.  You never know what could happen. Having your own good credit is really important.  My dad died in his forties, very unexpectedly, in those days few women worked and it was a big shock for my mom.  If you listen to any financial advisors they will always say maintain your own accounts AND one that you share.  JMHO. 

caraellen23

Thanks Nancy! I like when you chime in. You have a lot of experience to share. :-)