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December 2009 Weddings

Looking for Alternatives to a Traditional Shower- Help!

BMs have asked me for suggestions for a shower. I live three hours from my family and groom's family is out of state. My family will likely have a mostly family shower back home later in the fall. But we struggled with what to do with local friends and colleagues. A number of people we know locally are probably not going to make it on the invite list as I have a lot of family to invite. BMs are thinking of doing a "post wedding shower" to share wedding & honeymood photos.  I struggle with the whole "if they are not going to the wedding, you don't invite them to a shower" etiquette issue.  Any ideas?Another issue is a shower at work. I really don't want one.  I'm in senior management and I don't want employees to feel obligated. I also find the mass email shower invites for co-workers you don't know personally a bit gift grabby and somewhat rude if they are not going to be invited to the wedding. Any thoughts on declining the work shower?

Re: Looking for Alternatives to a Traditional Shower- Help!

  • If you're not inviting local friends and colleagues, I think it'd be rude to invite them to a post-wedding shower. Whoever wants to see your photos will ask. Anyone local who is invited to the wedding can be invited to your home shower. They may decline and send a gift; if they are very close to you, they may surprise you and come. You shouldn't have anything to do with a shower at work, so IMO if they get together and plan something for you, I'd just accept it graciously. There's really nothing you can do without seeming incredibly rude--if you make it known you don't want one, you either sound as if you were expecting that they would do it in the first place or just plain obnoxious for not accepting something nice they'd like to do for you. I'd just roll with it. The normal rule about not inviting people to a shower who aren't invited to the wedding generally doesn't apply to work showers because you're not in control of them and pretty much everyone understands that they're done for everyone and it doesn't mean anyone is invited.
  • I've heard of people having a second reception in their hometown or another destination if a large number of friends or family couldn't make it to the actual wedding. I think that would be OK to host a 2nd reception, but I def. wouldn't call it a shower. As far as the work shower goes, I don't think it's gift grabby since you're not the one planning it. In my company it's pretty standard that at least your immediate team gets together to celebrate major life changes, the gifts are never anything outrageous either, usually a GC or something small of the registry.
  • My challenge is that only some local friends and colleagues will be invited. Our wedding will be local to us but will include a large amount of family from out of town that limits our ability to include "everyone" we know where we live. I am Ok with that but this shower issue makes it sticky. If its is called a shower or seems like a shower, we will just need to limit the guest list to those who will be invited to the wedding.
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