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March 2010 Weddings

Problem with Honor Attendant (Best (Wo)man) LONG

So FI's best friend is a girl and they have been best friends for a few years now so we decided it would be a good idea for her to be on the groom's side since she is better friends with FI than me. However, she was also pretty good friends with me for a few years. After we told her, she was excited about being the "best man," started planning, and said she was happy for us. She started dating someone shortly after we got engaged and during this time she talked about how she was happy and couldn't wait until she got married etc. Well she and her boyfriend broke up about 8 months ago and since then she has been very mean to me. We all used to joke around and laugh at each other before she was with her ex boyfriend and while she was with him. But now if FI says something jokingly to her she makes a face and retaliates by saying something mean about me. She is constantly verbally attacking me. For awhile I just blew it off but then she started saying things about how she can't believe we are getting married and she wouldn't get married until she was in her late 30's at least. We have several other friends that are also getting married in 2010 and she says nothing but nice things to them. FI and I both know it's because she is jealous because she is one of the only single people within our group of friends. So I let it go and didn't let it bother me until about 3 months ago when she decided to take it to the next level. Lately she started talking about her speech and telling us what she is putting in it. Well it's pretty much a bash on me. I know that there is usually a funny thing in the speech that may poke fun of the couple but it's in a loving joking way and then the rest of the speech is usually about how they are happy for the couple or the couple is great together (you girls know). Well everything she has said so far are "stupid things that i've said" by mistake, or mean things about me. She is also very socially awkward. She doesn't really know how to act when she is around others and what is appropriate to say and what isn't. For example we went camping once and we walked into the ranger station to get a site and she just blurted out to the ranger that she has had her "period for three weeks." Also whenever she meets people she immediately tells them she is "waiting for marriage." So we are kind of worried about her saying something very inappropriate at the beginning of the speech and then following it by making fun of me. We were thinking of telling her that the MOH typically pre-approves all speeches so the MOH can make sure there is no overlap or anything inappropriate in the speeches. We know that the "best (wo)man" won't know that we made this up and we thought this would be a good way of checking without hurting her. What do you ladies think we should do? FI told me he wishes we would have just made his brother the best man and left her as a bridesmaid, but it is too late now and we would have 4 bridesmaids and 2 groomsmen if we did this. Is it mean to tell her that the MOH has to read them? Thanks Ladies!

Re: Problem with Honor Attendant (Best (Wo)man) LONG

  • Maybe you should tell her that you don't like her speech and don't feel that is appropriate for the situation. Sometimes it's hard, but it's better to keep the communication open. But I think the MOH idea is sneaky and I like it. Because how would she know one way or another? I'm sorry you're in this situation. I know how you feel about feeling like you picked the wrong person. I wish I had good advice for you but this is a sticky situation. Hopefully someone else has some good advice.
  • Have you told her how you feel about her comments? You should definitely say something about the speech now. I think lying will only get you in a worse position. It will only take one time for her to say to someone else who isn't in the WP, "Hey did you know the MOH has to pre-approve my speech?" and the truth will come out.Also, I don't know if it will help but maybe avoid mentioning the whole wedding thing to her for a while, if you can, unless absolutely necessary. I'm only saying this because my own parents split up the day after we got engaged. My mother also took it hard and started verbally attacking my fiance. So I just didn't even mention the wedding to them after that (although they did know) so as not to cause waves or hurt feelings. Took a few months... but I'm finally at that point where I can talk to them about it without everyone going crazy on us.
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  • That is a good point I could understand how people get that way, but the thing is we usually don't bring it up because we know how she gets. She is usually the one who asks about it. I know that we should talk to her but at the same time I feel like she really won't understand because I don't think she sees anything wrong with the inappropriate comments she makes. I don't know how to say something to her without it hurting her and FI's relationship.
  • You really think it's too late to swap the best man for Fi's brother? Sure, it's going to be uncomfortable for you to say "Hey, you've been really unsupportive and we think it's best if my brother take on the role as best man at the wedding, since he doesn't seem to have a problem with my future wife or our wedding plans." Then again, it's also going to be really uncomfortable if she starts making fun of how she had to have her speech approved before she could read it and somebody else tells her that's not really the way it goes. Or if she submits one for approval then goes off the cuff on your wedding day, inserting her own little "witticisms."
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