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March 2010 Weddings

MOH problems - long vent - help

My MOH and I have been best friends for 16 years. She has always been rather negative, but we still had a lot of fun together. Well, now the negativity is really starting to get to me. She says things to me like "no matter what you decide, DH and I will be here for you" - (like if I decide I don't want to marry FI, she'll be there for me). FI and I have never said that we were considering calling off the wedding. She just happened to be with me after FI and I had a fight - and it wasn't even that big of a deal.

So then yesterday she calls me and asks if my FI minds that the person standing up for me doesn't really like him (ie, she and her DH don't like FI). I was like - what!?!? FI and MOH have never seen eye to eye, but really? Basically I answered that I wasn't stupid enough to tell him that. But now my whole feelings about her have changed. I don't even know if I want her in the wedding at all. I'm especially pissed because when her and her DH were dating/enganged, I witnessed so many things and he even cheated on her while they were dating and she has the audacity to judge my FI?

I don't know what to do. At a complete loss. Help.

Re: MOH problems - long vent - help

  • That is so terrible.  regardless of her feelings, she needs to be there to support you.  i think it may be time to talk to her seriously and let her know that you and your fiance are committed to each other, your marriage and making a life together.  If she wants to be a part of that, she has to be there to support you and your decision.  If she does not, there is the door.  I cannot imagine any of my friends not supporting my decision -- and even if they did not support it, I cannot imagine any of them voicing this concern to me 2.5 months before the wedding.

    I am so sorry that this happened to you and I hope that you are able to resolve the relationship.  If not, I think your friend is being selfish and taking the attention and putting it on her. 

    Do what you need to do to be happy -- clearly for all of us, this is already a very stressful time and adding thins on top of the already prevelent stress is so not right
  • That sucks. I would just refuse to talk to her about this issue anymore. Flat out say that while she's your best friend, this is your FI, and if they don't like each other that's ok but you aren't going to let her involve you in it. Change the subject when she brings it up.

    I don't know if you're thinking about asking her to leave your WP, but I really wouldn't recommend it. She's being a crap friend - whether or not she's in your WP, what she's saying is rude - so it's a friendship issue, not a WP issue (ie. if she wasn't buying the dress). Making it about her as your MOH makes you look like a bridezilla, and it's really not necessary. If you guys have been friends so long, hopefully this will turn out to have been a phase of hers, and when you look back in 5 years you'll be glad you had her by your side at your wedding.
  • That is terrible.  I would let her know how you feel.  If she has been your friend for 16 years, I am sure this is not the first time you guys have not seen eye to eye.  Let her know that this is unacceptable and if she wants to be in your life she needs to accept your husband as well.

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  • Sorry - I mistyped on one statement - when I said I didn't know if I want her in the wedding, I meant at  the wedding at all. I'm not even sure I can be friends with someone like this anymore. I don't particularly care if she and FI don't like each other, but in general her whole attitude lately about everything is getting to me.
  • If you're sure that you want to end the friendship because you're sure that there is no way she will ever accept your FI (or at least shut up about not accepting him), then that's your choice. But I hope that she's a good enough friend that you guys can sit down and talk about this and work something out.

    I have to ask - WHY doesn't she like your FI? Is it a personality thing, or has she just been the person who was always there after fights and has only heard the bad stuff, or what?
  • My feelings aren't solely about my FI, that's just the part that make me the most angry (FI isn't her biggest fan either and can't stand her husband). She's is just very selfish and negative in general. And although this may not bother some, she and her DH have recently started hanging out with my ex-boyfriend and his wife. This would be the ex who cheated on me with one of my friends - who he then married.  Granted, they are perfect for each other and they seem happy together, which is great, but having my best friend hang out with my ex more than she now sees me upsets me - whether appropriate or not.

    I'm not exactly sure why she doesn't like FI. He and I were friends for 7 years before we started dating, and they never really cared for each other (he thought she was a b*tch and she thought he was strange), but when we started dating and then got engaged she seemed happy about it. FI and I dont fight often at all, so she has only really heard about the one fight. I think she misinterprets a lot though. But she and her DH have only hung out with the both of us a few times and basically have determined that we all cannot hang out as a group ever again, which once again, is weird to me. There are plenty of couples I know where I don't care for one member, but I would never judge so much as to say that I wouldn't hang out with the couple ever again.
  • This is so sad and I'm sorry that you have to go through this.  Weddings are hard enough as it is, and then to have a friendzilla on top of it all is not good.  My advice would be to just be really sure about whatever your final decision is (which I realize is not much help).  I hope that she can be reasonable enough to sit down and talk this out, I tend to think that if the friendship is really worth it, both parties can come to an understanding.  Good luck girl!

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