BM not coming to wedding

VAtoCO

So, one of my BFFs lives in Germany.  She's married and has two kids.  I asked her in January to be a BM and she accepted.  Initial talks indicated that she'd make arrangements to come to the wedding.  More recent talks indicated that it "didn't look good" for her to come.Just this week, I heard "through the grapevine" that she made a decision not to come and have since confirmed it with her.   She told me it is because her husband can't come with her and it would be a logistical nightmare to fly with two children.Is it totally outrageous for me to want to know why (1) her husband can't come with her or (2) she can't leave the kids with her husband and come by herself?I like to think of myself as a thoughful, sensitive, understanding person but I'm kind of pissed about this and am in a state of shock that she is really not coming to my wedding. 

LesPaul

If she were coming from Arizona, it would be different.  International travel is a lot to ask from someone, even a BFF.

BreckBride09

Bummer I do think I would try to be sensitive and understanding since it is international travel, but you do have a good point in why she can't leave the kids with hubby. It's tough given the current economic climate to "challenge" someone on why they may not be able to make it w/o offending them or hurting their feelings.

katierocks8884

I guess I'm on the other side of the line. I would try to be understanding because it is a lot to ask and things are tough, but I hate it when people make commitments and then don't keep them. If there was even a sliver of doubt that she wouldn't make the trip, she shouldn't have committed to being a BM. I know things change and when circumstances changed she should have been 100% upfront about them. Ok, I'll be helpful now. It isn't outrageous to be upset, but I guess it is the adage that your wedding will never be as important to anyone else as it is to you. You can only keep your chin up and keep moving forward You have time to replace her if you move quickly.

patrize

I think question #1 is irrelevant since her husband did not agree to be in your wedding, but #2 is a question that came up for me as well.

chelbell326

Fran,  I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this extra stressor on top of all your other wedding planning.  I agree w/ pp that it is super frustrating to deal with people who commit to something & then back out (one of my biggest pet peeves is people who aren't accountable/responsible when they say they'll do something)...that being said, it is a delicate subject (esp. if your friend is not able to fly due to finances & is using the kids as an excuse to cover...b/c like you said with #2...why couldn't she leave the kids at home with her husband? I guess I don't have any real advice for you...just wanted to let you know that we hear your frustration & can empathize!

VAtoCO

Thanks to all of your for such quick feedback.  It is always interesting to get other pespectives.  I guess I probably just had to vent more than anything.I realize that the situation is a tough one.  I have offered to help her in any way that I can in order to get her here - including offering to fly her out (I've done my own research on DIRECT flights) and offering to hook her up with my FSIL who is also coming from overseas with a baby so that perhaps they can fly together, among other things.I guess she's making the decision that is right for her and her family but it just totally blows.

mandalay_415

That's very thoughtful of you to provide her with the other options to try and get her out here for your wedding. I noticed that you heard about it through the grapevine...I will admit that's kinda crappy she didn't tell you directly she couldn't come. I can completely understand that it could be due to financial strain to come to Colorado for your wedding and I'm with you; I'm normally a very understanding/thoughtful person myself...I'd be pissed too. Hopefully this won't cause too much of a strain for you.

spongejen

i completely understand, one of my BMs also lives in germany.  i would be very upset as well.  i agree with PP, if there was even a tiny chance that she wasn't going to come, she shouldn't have committed to being a BM.  i understand times are tough, but she would have known how tough they were long ago, and it doesn't seem to be an issue of cost considering her excuse is that traveling with kids is a nightmare, not that she can't afford a ticket for herself.  i don't really know what to offer as far as advice goes, but i can definitely sympathize and i'm sorry to hear that

jforeman5

I'm sorry Fran, that really sucks. I would be pretty upset too, mainly because she agreed to be a BM and then backed out so close to the wedding. Why didn't she tell you herself? I think you should definitely talk it through with her so there are no hard feelings, try to learn why she made this decision. GL, I'm sorry this is happening.

me2rean

I don't know the full picture, but personally would not leave my two little ones with DH for an international trip. Haha, I know that makes me sound crazy or untrusting of DH. But, my girls need a lot of attention right now, he can't fully comfort the youngest (she's in a clingy mood with me right now), and sometimes he does the least possible "work" to get by, and with feedings, diaper changes, bathing and the other million things, right now is not a good time. In five years, I hope that I can leave him with the girls and not feel that way! Just giving you a mom's perspective. It sucks whatever the reason is, but my best advice would be to accept it and move on. Your wedding will still be amazing with or with out her there!

Lauren5280

I am not trying to be b!tchy here but I think that your post is a bit over the top. I think that she had the best of intentions and probably REALLY wanted to come to your wedding and was probably struggling with how to tell you that she couldn't pull it off. You've never walked a mile in her shoes and therefore can't understand her dilemma. I am a mom, I have been married before and to be quite honest I wouldn't want to leave my children and husband behind for an international trip. It is asking a lot to split up a family not to mention a financial burden. One day you will understand this so please show some compassion for your friend and let her off the hook. I'm guessing that the reason she was talking to the grapevine prior to talking with you was to try to figure out the best way to tell you while still preserving your friendship. Try being less pissed and instead be gracious as you may very well be in the same situation at some point in your life and hope that your friends will be as understanding.

VAtoCO

Wow, Lauren, speaking of over the top!  Pot.Kettle.Black.Although I will respectfully disagree with much of what you said, thank you for your input.