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September 2010 Weddings

I know no one is here but

I have to say something or I will go insane.

While at his bachelor party this weekend, FI's little brother told FI that his mom said that when we have kids, the first weekend we leave the baby with her, she's getting him/her baptized.

I'm kind of pissed.  It seems so disrespectful, when we have made it clear that we are raising our children to have open minds, and will let them make their own decisions about religion, including answering any questions they might have and taking them to any church services that they're interested in.  We don't believe in baptizing children (no offense to people to do this) since we want our kids to have a choice - which neither of us had. 

So basically, she screwed herself out of ever being alone with our future kids.
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Re: I know no one is here but

  • My daughters paternal grandmother tried that one with me too! churches around here only to baptisms on wednesday and sunday (don't know why but i called 9 and got the same answer) so she didn't get her on those days! Im the same way as you in beleiving they should have a choice and whatever they want to check out I will take them. Grandmas (mentioned above) also told me that she would be there for ellies birth whether i wanted her or not and was going to be the one primarily raising her since she did such a great job with her sons (we won't go into that). Nip that in the butt right away as soon as you can and make sure you and FI are on the same page.

    BTW Im here :-)
  • Wow, I just signed on quick but this would cross a line for me.  I am very against grandparents trying to raise their grandchildren against the parents wishes.  Perhaps when you do decide to have kids, this topic could be brought up casually just to see what her reaction would be then?  Also, even though I was baptized, I don't know all the rules about doing it - can she really just walk in with the baby and have it done?

    This is such a tricky situation because it can make you second guess everything.
  • I'm here.  I heard about someone else's FMIL doing this somewhere else on here.  FI and I agree that's appalling.  How can the church even do that?  I was pretty sure there are classes you have to take, among other things.

    We're undecided on the baptism issue.  I'm sorry that you have to deal with this Laura!
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  • Taryn~around here and the church that my daughters grandmother is from grandparents are allowed to get children baptized. I went to one before like that. The parents weren't around all the time and they just went and did it, the church never asked any questions about it.

  • I would not be okay with that either. Let your FMIL that you are going to raise your children to have a choice when it comes to things like that..
  • My exes mom and dad did this to his sister's children. I thought it was also rude and disrespectful. Try to sort that out before babies! Good Luck!
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  • Yeah, that's really lame.  My parents are uber conservative and not excited about the fact that I'm agnostic and don't plan to force Christianity on my kids.  But even they wouldn't go as far as to baptize our kid against our wishes.  Does she know you and FI feel the way you do and she's doing it to spite you or what?
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  • edited August 2010
    She definitely knows how we feel, and if anything FI feels more strongly about it than I do.  There is no way we could make things clearer - FI has gotten into some really heated discussions.  Of course ,we never explicitly said, "don't get our kids baptized behind our backs" since it never occured to us that she'd be that insane, but I guess we need to mention it now. (give me a freaking break!) 

    I thought you couldn't do it without the parent either, since all the baptisms I've been to involved the parents saying what are sort of like vows dedicating the child to the church, but FMIL knows someone who did this, which is where she got the idea.

    I know that it doesn't *really* make a difference for the child, and doesn't affect him/her in any way, but it's the principle of the thing and the outright disrespect of our wishes.  I already knew she'd be a backseat parent, but this is ridiculous even for her.
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  • You should have her sign a contract.  If you ever want to see our kids you must promise that you will not baptize them X _______________________.
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  • No matter how you feel about baptism, that is ridiculous. It is the parents' responsibilty to raise their children in the faith, and if you're fully capable of raising your children in every other respect, your FMIL has no say in it. If you do talk to her and she is still crazy, when the issue becomes real (ie you get KU) speak with the pastor at her church. He obviously will explain to you their church's viewpoint on the importance of baptizing infants, but you are welcome to your opinions and beliefs and if you explain that to the pastor, he cannot baptize your child behind your back. Maybe the pastor explaining your views to your FMIL will help her to get it.
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  • Forget religion altogether!  It's your child and you should be able to make decisions for them, and grand parents should always respect that (as long as you're not hurting the child of course).

    As PPs said, nip that in the bud now.  If she is willing to cross the line here, god knows what else she is willing to do.   What happens when Laura Jr wants to get her ears pierced or something.  God forbid you want her to wait, but granny says it's ok.
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  • Wow!  That is horrible!  I'm sorry you have to even think about this right now!  Thank goodness your future Bro in Law told your FH!  Sheesh! 
    I had no idea you could do something like that...in the church I grew up in, the parents go through classes with the minister...and it had to be planned well in advance!  Wow!  I know...I know..I said Wow already!  Just can't believe what some people will do!
    And pssttt...I'm here, too!
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  • I agree with PP as well. Definitely talk to her about it now.
    Both FI and I are agnostic and I would be as upset as you if this happened!
    Oh, I'm here now lol ;)
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  • In Response to Re: I know no one is here but:
    [QUOTE]Wow. I can't believe some people. How in the world do they think stuff like that is ok? I guess FI needs to have another conversation of "we're going to allow our potential future children to make their own decisions regarding religion and we may have to throw darts at your head if you choose to get them baptized without our consent."
    Posted by lovethebeach16[/QUOTE]

    I will just print this out for FI to repeat.

    I am really glad you gals agree with me, because I sort of felt like maybe I was over-reacting since children aren't even an issue right now.   Like you guys said, though, it's not even about religion so much as letting us raise our own kids (someday).

    When FI told me I said, "I am not even kidding when I say that if she did that, she would never see our kids again, period."  I was deadly serious.
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  • That's not right. It's your decision how your raise your child. We had DS baptized and we had to go to a class and sign all sorts of paperwork and it had to be scheduled and stuff. So at least at our Church that's not something she could easily just do. Also I find it weird that you could get a child baptized without being it's legal guardian. lame.
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  • In Response to Re: I know no one is here but:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know no one is here but : I will just print this out for FI to repeat. I am really glad you gals agree with me, because I sort of felt like maybe I was over-reacting since children aren't even an issue right now.   Like you guys said, though, it's not even about religion so much as letting us raise our own kids (someday). When FI told me I said, "I am not even kidding when I say that if she did that, she would never see our kids again, period."  I was deadly serious.
    Posted by LauraT25[/QUOTE]

    It's sad that we have to use those kinds of threats to make people aware of how serious we are.  And it's totally NOT just about religion.  She is going to have "suggestions" about feeding, sleeping, clothing, bathing etc your infant.  Not to mention discipline when he/she starts getting older.  I understand that our parents (and ILs) have been there before and have some darn good advice - but they forget what it was like when their own mothers / ILs butted in where they weren't welcome and how that made them feel.  It's a vicious cycle.
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  • laura, i would be pissed about this too.  i get mad when his parents just start talking about how we need to have kids soon.  STFU.  i will have kids when i am good and ready, and i will raise them in a loving, accepting, nurturing way that WE want to, not how you want to.  i cannot imagine either sets of our parents pulling anything like this, but if anybody did i would just be fuming.  i think you are both approaching it correctly, and fortunately, you are not preggo, so you have lots of time to figure this sticky situation out.
  • I would raise cain over this. And never leave her alone with my child.
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