FMIL is sticking to her guns....and I'm at a loss

sarahebrown

Hi All (I can't say just "Ladies" anymore since we have a gentlemen poster now ,
So, as many of you on the board have read in the past week, my FMIL is pretty difficult and giving me a very hard time with planning. After agreeing to our floral proposal originally, she now has announced that she will be making our centerpieces, rather than paying for them. For many reasons, most having to do with her hideous taste in decor, I would rather have our florist make them. I spoke with my FI about this, per your advice, and he agreed that he DOES NOT want his mom making them. Thank God he gets it!

So, yesterday, we are at their house for Father's Day and FMIL brings up the centerpieces. My FI, being the wonderful man that he is, did try to argue with them that it would be much better & easier if we just let the Florist do her job. But they were not having it. They are insistant on making them. They say that the cost per piece is "way too much" and plus (this is their major point), they want guests to be able to take the centerpieces home with them. And if the florist makes them, the vases are rented, so they must be left behind.

My issue is, firstly, everyone coming to our wedding is coming from OOT, so how exactly are they going to take home a centerpiece that contains water, sand, shells and candles??? Aren't they just going to leave them in their hotel rooms? Secondly, it's not that much money! ALL they are paying for in this wedding is the flowers (which are about $900 total including centerpeices) and the rehearsal dinner. That's it. My parents are paying for everything else. And my parents have to travel 3,000 miles too, while FI's parents only have to drive a few hours. So, if the issue really is money, it seems like fighting over a few hundred dollars is ridiculous.
 
My Mom totally understands my frustration and has offered to pay for the centerpieces. So, now I must decide.....how do I tell my FMIL this? I don't want to be a bitch, but her reasons for wanting to make these centerpieces are just not that convincing to me. I know she will  take it personally, and will think that she's being a cheap ass so my parents have to pay for yet another thing. But that's the truth. I just don't get her. But she won't budge, so she leaves me no choice. Right???

mparwulski

Because it is your FMIL, FI needs to take a firmer stand on this.  Merely suggesting is not enough.  He needs to kindly, but firmly tell her how it is going to be.  It may be necessary to forgo to $900 and suck it up and pay for the flowers yourself for your own sanity. 

And, just say "No" to clowns.

hibiscus118

Flowers were really important for me so I understand why your so stressed out.  Like PP said, have your FI take a firmer stand and tell her that you want the florist to do it.  If she does not budge, then tell her that you are having the florist do it no matter what, and that they can contribute whatever they would like money wise if they'd like to do that.  

Family craziness really comes out at weddings, and you just have to stick to your guns with what you and your FI want.  I know, I know, easier said then done  

Did you guys talk about the clown issue also?

JAK33

I understand where you are coming from 100%.  I would ask you FI to have another conversation with his parents one on one.  It is an awkward place for you to be in for sure.  He does need to be firmer, as MP says above. If they STILL arent getting, it and that is what you really want, then pay for it yourself (or with your mom's help).

The only other option I have is to see if they will buy the suppliers to make a test centerpiece?  Maybe it wont be so bad after all- but this would be last resort if you are willing to give in.  

And yes, just say "no!" to clowns  

sarahebrown

Thanks all,
We did put a stop to the Clowns, thank God! FI told them that all the kids coming were afraid of clowns and that seemed to close discussion on it. Thanks for asking.

I understand what you are suggesting, that FI talk to them again. The thing is, he was really tough about it with them, and they were just as stubborn back! He literally said, "Its not what we want", yet they continued to argue their point regardless. I feel like anymore conversations about this are just going to have the same end result and I'm out of options.

I'm fine with telling her that we or my parents are going to pay for them. But I know she's going to take it personally, and that sucks, but what else can we do? Grrrrr, in-laws!!!! Why must they be so difficult?

hibiscus118

So glad the clowns are out! 

If he was already firm about it, I'd skip talking to them again about it and just go straight to telling them you're going with the florist on this one and thats that.  She will be hurt at first but I bet she will get over it pretty quickly.

JAK33

Sarah, any way to minimize the impact to hurting her feelings and blaming it on the contract?  Does she have a copy of it?  That may help if you can pull it off. 

sarahebrown

JAK,
I thought about this angle too. But the contract states that it can be changed up until 1 week prior to the wedding. And I'm a sucky liar. So, yeah. Looks like I'll have to be honest. Blah. I know this seems like such a silly thing to be upset over, I mean it's JUST a centerpiece. But certain things are important to certain brides and the flowers were always something I had specific thoughts about. Which would beg the question, why did I think it was a good idea for her to handle the flowers in the first place??

mparwulski

My thought would be that this is going to set the tone for the rest of your relationship with your in-laws.  Flowers now, who's house are we spending the holidays at, child rearing, etc. later.  I would set the parameters now.  Like kids, people need boundaries.

OBX2011

I agree with all PP's advice and no, it's not "a silly thing" to be upset over at alllllll.  This is the day you have been dreaming of and wanting ever since you were a little girl and you must do what is right within your heart.

Like Hibiscus said, she may be hurt at first but she will get over this.  Maybe then she will realize how serious you and the FI were being last night and it could be somewhat of a lesson learned for the future, to really listen to what both of YOU want instead of what SHE wants.  KWIM?

p.s.  why is KWIM spelled with a "K" when it stands for "catch what I mean"  That has never made sense to me really.....

boderboo

Being a MIL, I learned a long time ago what my role was with my older daughter and hubby. 

And with the younger daughter now getting married, I will continue that role. 

I am very open and expect everyone else to be.  Your FMIL should want to have honest and open dialog with you.  I wish you luck with this but PP are right that you must set the parameters now. 

seashells12

Hi...I am new to posting comments (my fiirst one). I have been reading the Outer Banks board for a few months now. My daughter is getting married in June 2012 in the Outer Banks. There is so much helpful info on this board!!

Here is a suggestion... how about a compromise. Let your FMIL buy the vases (instead of renting them) and still have your florist make the centerpieces. I bet the florist would work with you in finding a way to purchase the vases. Especially if you explain to the florist the problem you are dealing with. This way you own the vases and the guests can take them home if they choose to do so. Which is what is sounds like your FMIL really wants to happen (since she is paying for the centerpeices). You get the centerpieces made the way you want them by your florist and your FMIL gets to offer the centerpieces to the guests. Maybe propose the idea to your FMIL as "how about a comrpomise", that way she will feel like she is getting what she wants out the situation. 

I really feel it sounds like the bottom line is that your FMIL really wants the guests to take home the centerpieces.  It's a nice gesture she wants to extend to your guests. Maybe she really likes the idea you have for the centerpieces and wants a way to show them off beyond the wedding. And if they end up sitting in the hotel room...so be it.  So if she sees that yes the centerpieces are going home with the guests, maybe she will back off with the idea of making them herself.  

Both sides get what they want. And all involved stay happy with each other. And more importantly no hurt feelings.

Well, I guess that was a long winded first commet to this board. I am about compromising!

keb2482

I totally agree with Seashellls, I would definitely try that approach first.  I am also about compromising   However, if she can't compromise to that...then lay down the law!  LOL.  I happen to be INCREDIBLY lucky.  I have the best FMIL ever   good luck, hope it works out

hibiscus118

Oh seashells that is a great idea!  I'd say to definitely look into buying the vases maybe that would make her happy?

ETA:  I'm not sure if it would save any money really, but the guests would definitely be able to take the centerpieces, if they wanted.

OBX - I though KWIM is "know what I mean?"  I've never heard it as "catch what I mean" before.  hmmm...

mparwulski

Just thought of this... how about having her work up a sample for you to see and approve?

sarahebrown

Seashells- Thank you! This is a great idea! I don't know why I didn't think of it before. I like it. And I agree, a compromise is much better.

Mparwulski- We did talk about her making a sample...that's what FI insisted on at least. We shall see if that really happens or not.

Thank you all PPs!!! You are the best and I'm so thankful to have this group to vent/chat with about these silly things. It's difficult sometimes when you friends don't get it, and I'm happy that you all "get it"