I find this a little sad

blackfire5th

I completely understand why many couples have a ceremony only wedding, but my wedding last month was the first wedding with a mass in over a year at that church. This church has 1-2 weddings every Saturday. I can't tell you why, but I think it is kind of sad that a mass is basically no longer part of a wedding in that area.

ffmaid

Well it was not an option for us due to DH not being Catholic. But I have been to several full mass Catholic wedding in the l;ast few years.

Calypso1977

i agree, particularly when it is two Catholics.  wehn only one is Catholic, i can somewhat understand, but honestly, not really.  i think a big reason is that many are not educated on the graces and blessings associated with the Nuptial Mass - or they are and just dont care/understand, because they do not attend Mass regularly anyway, thus not receiving the sacrament on a weekly or semi-regular basis to begin with.i also think alot of it is the wedding industry, which places so much importance on the material aspects of the big day (food, decor, pretty venue, etc.) rather than the most important part of the day which is the ceremony.  i have heard countless brides and grooms say "we want a quick ceremony so we can hurry up and get to the party".  you have the rest of your lives to party.  why rush the one time you have to get married?

C&Rin09

I agree with both ffmaid and Calypso.  I think as a society, we are moving away from the church and the marriage ceremony has become a quick-and-dirty affair. I am not having a nuptial mass because I do not feel connected to the church in that way, and haven't since I was a child.  FI is a catholic school teacher, and both our families are semi-practicing, but many of our other guests are not.  I have gone to a few nuptial masses lately, but I couldn't participate in one and stay true to myself at the same time.  So ceremony only it is.

Pirata13

I agree with PPs but maybe also more people are marrying interfaith?  Like ffmaid, my FI is not Catholic so that is why we are opting to have only ceremony. 

Calypso1977

pirata, that is a big part of it too, i think.  obviously, i'm biased, but if i had been non-Catholic marrying someone Catholic, i would have wanted (and encouraged) my spouse to have the Mass as i would assume it was important to them.  I also would have known and understood that the Catholic Church would be a big part of our lives and our children's lives, so i had better get used to "being left out" come communion time.    But, again, i'm biased both in that i am Catholic, and that i never would have even considered marrying someone who didnt share my faith.  

ootmother2

I've only been to one wedding in a Catholic church where it was not a mass. Simply because the groom was not Catholic and his bride didn't feel she had the right, and I totally agree with her, to shove her religion down the throat of the man she loved.

ootmother2

"i also think alot of it is the wedding industry, which places so much importance on the material aspects of the big day (food, decor, pretty venue, etc.) rather than the most important part of the day which is the ceremony. i have heard countless brides and grooms say "we want a quick ceremony so we can hurry up and get to the party". you have the rest of your lives to party. why rush the one time you have to get married?"I find this statement to be judgemental, idiotic and totally offending to anyone with intelligence at all.I would comment further but I don't want to be banned. -->

blackfire5th

I think it is horrible that some couples are not allowed to have a mass if one party is not Catholic. DH is not Catholic, but we both wanted to have the mass and to have the extra prayers. I don't know why some priests would deny a Catholic a mass. Even when my Great-Grandmother married my non-catholic great-grandfather, she was allowed to have a mass. If anyone is curious, it wasn't awkward that DH did not recieve communion. The priest came up and blessed him, then gave me the Eucharist, and moved onto our guests. Even some of our non-catholic guest choose to come up for a blessing.

blackfire5th

-Simply because the groom was not Catholic and his bride didn't feel she had the right, and I totally agree with her, to shove her religion down the throat of the man she loved.- hehe- I like your phrasing. I don't see how adding a few extra prayers to an already religious ceremony is now "shoving religion down his throat"- just sayin

ootmother2

black, I see not doing it as respecting his beliefs as they stand on their own.  Mixed marriages are far more likely to be successful if each person respects the individuality of their partner's beliefs.

Truchana

To plays devils advocate...I guess it just depends on what you believe.  The protestant faith does not believe in the so called extra graces or prayers,or at least the protestant faiths that I'm familiar with.  Growing up in a mixed faith family, I actually feel like i've been given extra blessings and graces because I can see the positives and negatives of both and i think i'm a lot more open to people of different faiths.   i don't believe any marriage is going to be any more successful if you have communion at your wedding or not because of "extra blessings" you will receive.  In fact, my own church says both ceremonies are completely the same, there's no differences.  Your marriage is going to last because youwork at it every day, you love each other, you accept God into your lives to help guide you...not whether or not you have communion.  to those that think you should have communion if fiance is not catholic, I think a lot churches will allow it, they just strongly discourage it.   I personally do not think it's a good thing to start off a marriage with one being allowed to do something and the other not.  You are suppoesd to becoming one.  If one is allowed to take communion and the other not, how are you becoming one? Seems like you are missing the whole point of marriage.   That being said if the fiance doesn't care and is okay with it, by all means, the priest should be willing to perform a full mass then. In the scheme of life, what gets you into heaven is if you were a good person, you were selfless, you did things for others, you believed in God, etc.  Not whether or not you had communion at your wedding....

blackfire5th

--"i also think alot of it is the wedding industry, which places so much importance on the material aspects of the big day (food, decor, pretty venue, etc.) rather than the most important part of the day which is the ceremony. i have heard countless brides and grooms say "we want a quick ceremony so we can hurry up and get to the party". you have the rest of your lives to party. why rush the one time you have to get married?" I find this statement to be judgemental, idiotic and totally offending to anyone with intelligence at all. I would comment further but I don't want to be banned. -- OOT- you do have to admit that whenever a poll pops up on P&E about ceremony length almost every answer is "I'm trying to keep our ceremony under 15 minutes and I hate hour long Catholic ceremonies." I can see how these answers can be interpreted as "I only care about the party". It is also true that the "Wedding Industry" does put it's emphasis on the reception since that is where most of the money goes. I am not saying that every Catholic wedding should have a mass, yes you need to respect your spouses beliefs. All I'm saying is that it is sad that so many people get upset about things like Unity Candles and how they aren't originally part of the mass, but then everyone turns around and forgets about the mass, which I believe is more important than unity candles and is originally part of the Catholic Wedding Ceremony.

GulfCoaster

--"i also think alot of it is the wedding industry, which places so much importance on the material aspects of the big day (food, decor, pretty venue, etc.) rather than the most important part of the day which is the ceremony. i have heard countless brides and grooms say "we want a quick ceremony so we can hurry up and get to the party". you have the rest of your lives to party. why rush the one time you have to get married?" I find this statement to be judgemental, idiotic and totally offending to anyone with intelligence at all. I would comment further but I don't want to be banned. -- OOT:Why is that statement judgmental and idiotic? Everytime a poll goes up on the Knot, as Blackfire said, most of the options are for short ceremonies. Several of my friends, Catholic and non-Catholic, have directly told me that they want their wedding ceremonies to be less than half an hour so that they can move on to the reception.The wedding, whether it's a full Mass or not, is the sacrament. That's the most important thing, the thing that the party celebrates. Rushing through the sacrament just to get to the party seems a bit shortsighted.

Ainslie325

For me, it has nothing to do with keping the ceremony "quick and dirty." I am Catholic, Fi and his family are not. I'm not about to have half of the wedding excluded from the sacrament because they don't doctrinally believe in transubstantiation. On a related note, I respect the church enough not to encourgage deliberate subversion of a policy I am completely aware of ("oh just take communion-- no one will know you're Lutheran!"). There are many legitimate reasons why someone might not choose to include the eucharistic rite in their marriage ceremony. I'd be careful to assume that we're all going the liturgy of the word route in a need for speed.

Ainslie325

I should add that as someone who has been a liturgical vocalist since high school, the sacrament is the most important part of my wedding day. Generalizations are just that-- general, and don't include all.

Truchana

Exactly what Ainslie said.  Why would you want to exclude this new family of yours from part of your ceremony?  Doesn't seem like you have your marriage in your best interests, seems like you have your own personal faith instead of the marraige. And yes, receiving a blessing in the place of communion is still excluding them.  The tables could easily be turned on you to say you are being selfish and judgemental by insisting communion be in your wedding when there is an approved ceremony that gives you just as many blessings and graces according to my catholic church in michigan as having a full mass. BTW, even our priest who is fairly conservative recommended only doing one reading vs two because the ceremonies "get really long and people don't want to sit through it."  People get tired of sitting through the ceremonies because outside the catholic faith, the ceremonies are typically closer to 30 minutes.  There weddings don't follow the same format as church like ours do.

Da0419

We're having a full nuptial mass, and my fiance isn't Catholic.  In fact, we're getting married in a cathedral, and no one there seems to have a problem with it either...I agree with some other posters who have said that it's sad that society is moving away from the traditional meaning of marriage.  The reception is a celebration of the joining of two families; it's supposed to be a party atmosphere.  But I don't think that has anything to do with whether or not a couple chooses to just do a short ceremony or a full nuptial mass...maybe it's just me.  Oh, and I've been to plenty of weddings where they have a full nuptial mass, but then again, maybe it depends on where you live.  Who knows.

ChihuahuaGolf

I had to gather my bravery to step into this thread...but I really wanted to present the opposite point of view that has been expressed throughout this thread. I am Catholic and my FI is not, and we are having a full mass. I can assure you that I know what marriage is, and that I am not doing this to exclude him. I believe that we retain our individuality even within a marriage and this is one way we happen to be different. Do you really think you will do everything together, and in the exact same way, after you are married? Our kids will be raised Catholic and when we go to church as a family, FI will not recieve communion then either. I don't see how the wedding ceremony is any different. My faith is important to me, his is not to him (his words, I promise!). I have always dreamed of a wedding with a full mass, and I would be very hurt if we weren't allowed to have one. FI agreed to a full mass because he knows it is important to me - another important part of marriage - doing things that may be uncomfortable, but make your partner happy. Our priest said this during our first meeting - he commended FI for his generosity. This is a compromise that just happened to land in my favour. There are plenty of times when things land in his favour. Besides - despite the fact that my FI is not part of a faith community, he has always wanted to get married in a pretty church. He thought it was great that I belonged to a church that we could get married in. So he is getting what he wants too

ItsMyDayNHis2

""i also think alot of it is the wedding industry, which places so much importance on the material aspects of the big day (food, decor, pretty venue, etc.) rather than the most important part of the day which is the ceremony. i have heard countless brides and grooms say "we want a quick ceremony so we can hurry up and get to the party". you have the rest of your lives to party. why rush the one time you have to get married?"I find this statement to be judgemental, idiotic and totally offending to anyone with intelligence at all.I would comment further but I don't want to be banned."WOW! No further comment needed.

Riss91

Yeah, it is sad. On my month board, there was a poll about what things you hate about weddings. One of the most common things listed was "full masses/long ceremonies". It made me sad because I feel like the ceremony should be equally if not more grand than the reception, and from the responses to the poll, clearly many people only want to attend a wedding for the food and the booze b/c they "hate" long ceremonies. I typically am turned-off by 15 minute ceremonies. I feel like I'm wasting my time being at those weddings. If 2 people can't even place more than 15 minutes' worth of importance on their ceremony, how much effort and time will they put into their marriage? I digress...

Ainslie325

ChihuahuaGolf makes a good point. A lot of this choice is tied up in how strongly both parties feel about their particular faith traditions. My fiance is very attached to his Lutheran faith, and I to my Catholic history. Our compromise is to be married by his Lutheran pastor (who has been a firend of his family since childhood) in a ceremony that is exactly like a Catholic Liturgy of the Word. This is the way that I felt that we could best combine both of our faiths. Becasue your FI is less attached to his personal faith, it's understandable that he would be agreeable to a full mass-- he wants to do what's important to you because he loves you and respects your values. I think this concept of retaining individuality within a union (as far as faith goes) can be interpreted in different ways. For me, I was uncomfortable seeking a dispensation to be married outside of the church (as I would have been to be married in it) because I couldn't promise to raise our future children Catholic. It would have felt like I was either being dishonest with the priest or subverting my FI's faith and his say in the religious upbring of our children. I didn't see why my faith should matter more than his, and why it would be any more reasonable for me to exclude his faith in their lives than for him to exclude mine. I struggled mightily with this decision because I know that my marriage won't be viewed as sacramental or valid by the church in which I was raised, but ultimately, I have come to the peaceful conclusion that as long as our children are raised in a stong faith tradition and grow to know and walk with Christ, I don't need validation from Rome. I guess I felt it more respectful (to the church) to part gracefully from them than to pay lip service I wasn't fully committed to following through on.

ffmaid

Calypso- I wanted a mass, my DH wanted a mass( for me). My  archdioscese does not allow a mass for a marriage when one of the couple is not able to recieve communion. It is not always the couples choice. Actually since the next closest archdioscese also does not allow a mass I'm not sure how far but at least several states away to get a mass rather then a sacrament. Even with importing our our priest for MA we did not have this option.

Calypso1977

ffmaid, i understand completely.  my sister was not allowed a Mass as her husband was not Catholic (he later converted).  her priest was so strict that they wouldnt even allow them to use the Church - they had to be married in the rectory.    

jasmineh7777

I haven't read these polls- so maybe I am off. But, if people are saying as guests that they don't like attending long masses, I can understand where they are coming from. If you aren't Catholic and go to a Catholic mass it probably seems ridiculously long, especially if the ceremony has no meaning to you personally. IMO- I can only comment on what is right for my fiance' and myself. If couples choose no to include the eucharist, then I am sure they have their reasons. From what I understand, not doing the full nuptial mass doesn't cut out much time anyway.I also totally understand not wanting to promise to raise your children Catholic if your fiance' is not Catholic. I think that particular point is not a reasonable request from the church.

Calypso1977

I also totally understand not wanting to promise to raise your children Catholic if your fiance' is not Catholic. I think that particular point is not a reasonable request from the church.this is what receiving the sacrament means.  if a person doesnt like this "rule" then they should either find a faith that does not have this requirement, or they should find a spouse who is Catholic.years ago, the Church wouldnt even perform mixed marriages, and if they did, it was very frowned upon (which is where some of the variances come into play with regard to no mass for mixed marriages), and the non-catholic often felt extreme pressure to convert.

jasmineh7777

Um, I don't think I need to find a new faith because I don't agree with every aspect of the church's current expectations. One of the Fathers of the Catholic church had an interesting history to say the least. Before St. Augustine's reign of "sex is sinful" the church was far more open to sanctioning monogamous unions. My belief in God does not preclude me from acknowledging that the church is run by humans who are not infallible.

ffmaid

I actually love the cermoney part of wedding be it Catholic or not I view that as teh important part of the day and kinda interesting too as jewish muslim various christian or non faith based weddings always say something very significant about teh couple. I kinda feel like i missed out if they do a very short ceremoney even if not faith based. I want pomp and cermoney and significance to mark what is a huge life transition regardless of your faith.

Ainslie325

Calypso, To be perfectly fair, the vast majority of Catholics don't agree with every church dictum and expectation-- that doesn't necessarily mean that they should leave the church. I think a good deal of this bristling comes from the fact that there are layers and layers of "man" (and manmade policy)in the Catholic church that serve to isolate a church member from God. In an age in which people are leaving the Catholic church in droves in former strongholds like South and Central America, I doubt that even Rome would take such a cavalier attitude as encouraging those who question church policy to find a new faith.

jasmineh7777

Agreed Ainslie.What I find sad is the common belief that Catholic are by and large judgemental and exclusive. You're not exactly dispelling that Calypso.For that reason, many people are suprised to find out that I am Catholic because my personal beliefs are inclusive rather than exclusive.

Calypso1977

i think there is a distinction when you are talking about the sacraments at least, and what the requirements are in order to receive those sacraments and your duty as a catholic to make sure you receive those sacraments.  i think if you have a lot of questions regarding those, that is when you may want to reconsider being a Catholic, since the sacraments are essentially the foundation of the faith.  if you are in disagreement with other facets of the faith (sunday requirement, birth control, etc.) then i dont think you should necessarily walk away, but rather continue to reexamine your faith and determine why you question those facets.  also receiving your sacraments helps you in your faith, and ultimatley, in theory, helps you to resolve questions and issues you may have on certain aspects.