NFPers...

canary11

Looks like I will be fertile on my wedding day. My cycle is like clockwork. We're not having pre-marital sex. So its kind of a big deal. Did any of you encounter this? What did you do? FI and I would LOVE kids soon, but were thinking we'd TTA for a little while. We want to be more financially stable. BUT, on that day...I WON't want to abstain and contraceptives are out of the question for us. advice?

masked_rose86

I'm afraid I don't have any answers really, but just wanted you to know you aren't alone in this.  My FI and I are getting married in Dec and we are also waiting till we are married for sex.  AND it looks fairly likely that I"ll be fertile on our wedding night unless my cycles get back to normal (they've been wacky the last few months).Unfortunately there really isn't an answer that I think you want to the question.....either you abstain and therefore postpone a pregnancy or you go ahead and be intimate and run that chance of getting pregnant......just because you have sex doesn't mean you will definitely get pregnant, but that being said, you certainly could.It is really a tough decision.....believe me I know!  I guess the only suggestion I'd have is to maybe make sure your honeymoon has plenty of things to do so that you don't end up staring at each other wishing things could be different (ie: you were at your infertile time and could be intimate).  And then really talk to each other and pray about your decision leading up to the wedding night. 

blackfire5th

How fertile? Is it like ovulation day and you only have to wait a couple more days (I know, easier said then done) or is it right when you need to start to abstain? Here is my two cents and I know there are some who won't agree. I'm not trying to start any argument, this is just the way that I see things. NFP is a form of brith control. You are not suppose to practice any type of birth control according to the Church unless it is for unselfish reasons. Now condoms and the pill are also birth control. I have spoken to priests and our NFP lady and no one can give me a striaght answer about why NFP as birth control is okay, but condoms and pills are not. I've been told that condoms and pills put up a physical and chemical barrier. However, when I point out that NFP puts up a time barrier, no one can give me an answer. You can get pregnant from using condoms and the pill just like you can get pregnant from NFP. If God wants you to have a baby now, there isn't a whole lot that is going to stop Him. I even had a friend that had terminal cancer. She had her tubes tied and still used a condom when sleeping with her boyfriend. They are now the proud parents of twins! So if it is going to happen, it will happen. I guess what I'm saying thorugh my big long post is that I don't see why NFP is any different from condoms or the pill. I really do try to follow all the Church's teachings, but I just cannot work this one out in my head (and it's not like the Church hasn't ever said anything wrong). So if it was me, I would use a condom. However, this is a personal decision. Good luck!

blackfire5th

Wow, sorry. I just re-read your post and you said contraceptives were not an option. You could always have sex and pray together about waiting for children. You could have sex but not orgasm (Not fool proof, is this against Chruch teachings? Anyone know? It seems like it would be.) Someone posted on here a long time ago that their NFP group leaders were in the same situation. They consumated their marriage and abstained the rest of their honeymoon. They ended up concieving on their wedding night and never were able to concieve again. Something to think about. I think your best bet is to pray together and figure that if you do concieve, your kid will probably be a genius and will find a cure to cancer!

bel138

I'm sorry. I have no solution. If you two pray for guidance, I'm sure you will come to the right decision for you. If it were me, it would depend where in my fertile phase I was. It also depends on how comfortable you are with the prospect of little ones. If you're firmly against, know you can't support a child right now, it would be better to abstain. If it's more like, eh, it would be better for us to wait a few years until we have a little nest egg and live in a better neighborhood, it might be worth the risk to you.You could have sex but not orgasm (Not fool proof, is this against Church teachings? Anyone know? It seems like it would be.) I don't think this is against church teachings. I've always been taught that, as long as you're within a marriage and no "seed" is wasted, you're in the clear. So *EXPLICIT* oral and anal are ok if part of foreplay. And female orgasms outside of the actual intercourse are ok. Like I said, that's what I've always been taught. Also, I think that having sex but agreeing not to orgasm would be VERY tricky. It's not even like the pull out method, where he could finish in some other way. I can tell you're devout, so that wouldn't be an option. It would be a heck of a tease to get to that point and have to stop. It would also probably increase the likelihood of pregnancy, since it would be easier to have an "oops" because you're having such a good time.

shortycole2

maybe a little tmi... but sex for the first time can be downright painful. it wasn't so bad for me, but one of the girls on my local board had such a hard time with it and her DH was so scared he was hurting her they didn't have sex their whole honeymoon, so don't feel like you HAVE to on the honeymoon or that you're missing out on something just because you need to abstain. you can always make it romantic and special later, it will be the night you want it to be even if its not on the honeymoon. your honeymoon can still be great without sex. just knowing you can have sex as soon as ____ day might help you get by GL! I know things will be okay

canary11

Thanks for your replies. Our story is different. I'm not a virgin. I'm not even Catholic. I was raised protestant and my dad is even a pastor. I felt so disgusted with some of the things that I was exposed to in the church I was raised. I became very apathetic toward it. I still believed, so I used to pray and pray that God would help me to become closer to Him. Then I met Fi. He did not go to mass, but he was Catholic. We were in a relationship where we were sexually active together. I had an IUD. Then, we decided that we both missed God and began to attend Mass together and it made our relationship 150% better, and it was already awesome! Long story short, I am on the road to becoming Catholic. I start RCIA in a few weeks. FI was the answer to my prayers and I to his. So, we've been abstaining for almost a year now, ever since I decided to have the IUD removed. We have found that all of this is making us stronger and closer. I love the church's teachings on BC and I understand it, but I want to know even more. I love learning NFP. It is so interesting to me. Not only do I love the church's teachings, it natural. So, that is my story in a nutshell. So, I know what could happen on our wedding night. I will be toward the end of phase 2, unless my cycle does some sort of wacky thing prior to that day. I'll be in phase 3 on our honeymoon. I am going to consult my fertility and nutrition book, to see if there's anything I could do. I just want to know how some of you guys mentally prepared yourself for this. Neither of us think that waiting a week, let alone a few days, to consumate our marriage is an option! We've just got to mentally prepare ourselves for what may happen. Again, thanks for all of your responses. I really appreciate it!

amberoye

NFP is not the same as birth control for many reasons: NFP allows the body to operate naturally, according to God's will. He made our bodies to only be fertile in a short window, so abstaining is avoiding pregnancy instead of not allowing it all like pills(hormones) and the condom. Specifically, hormones keep the woman from ovulating or creates a barrier of mucus the keep sperm out, obviously not natural. Condoms completely waste the man's seed. Both don't allow true intimacy, because you are not sharing your fertility in your sexual act. Also, in the Catholic doctrine, it is clear about being sure your are not having children for selfish reasons. Being 'financially stable' has a distorted meaning in our culture. Your situation may be mine coming up in November, but we have decided to consummate. Imagine how beautiful it would be to conceive on your wedding night? My priest told me that no one is really prepared for children, and if we waited, we would never have them. I hope this helps, good luck.

mbcdefg

If you're emotionally and financially prepared to welcome a child into your family, and you don't want to miss out on consummating your marriage, then have sex and see what happens. If you just aren't prepared to properly care for a baby at this point in your life, then use some kind of contraceptive to reduce your chances of pregnancy. You could always use the "pull and pray" method, I guess, but don't count on that to save you from pregnancy if you're truly not ready for it. Or just abstain so that you are 100% guaranteed to not have a baby at this point. And remember that your marriage is for a lifetime, so it's not like this is your only chance to be intimate with each other. Don't just leave it up to God as to whether or not you'll get pregnant. Nobody is ever really 100% ready to have a baby (because everyone has fears, doubts, etc.), but there's a big difference between, "Well, ideally we want to wait but we'd be willing and able to welcome a child into our family if we conceived now" versus, "There's absolutely no way we could care for a child at this point, not at all." God helps those who help themselves. Having sex during your fertile time and then praying to not have a baby would be very unfair to a child should you conceive (again, this is assuming that you're simply not ready for one, in terms of money and space and time - not just "We would've normally waited a few months").

Calypso1977

NFP is a form of brith control. You are not suppose to practice any type of birth control according to the Church unless it is for unselfish reasons. Now condoms and the pill are also birth control. I have spoken to priests and our NFP lady and no one can give me a striaght answer about why NFP as birth control is okay, but condoms and pills are not. the church is against ARTIFICIAL birth control  NFP requires no artificial barriers, medicines or devices.  one could argue the thermometer is a device, but the thermometer does not block conception.you have waited this long, i'd honestly wait until you arent fertile.  what's a few more days?  your first time will still be special and meaningful, even if it isnt until several days after your wedding night.  or, you put it in god's hands and take a chance you may not get pregnant.you arent supposed to use NFP to avoid for selfish reasons (i.e., dont want kids, want more cars, bigger house, etc.).  i'm guilty as charged here, though.  we could probably afford one right now (it would be tight) but i'm just not ready mentally.  while severe psycholigical problems do qualify as a reason to avoid, i dont put myself in the "severe psychological problems" category.

alliecarrie41

NFP is a form of brith control. You are not suppose to practice any type of birth control according to the Church unless it is for unselfish reasons. ditto PP.. sorry but this is untrue.  my priest himself told us to enjoy in each other after marriage, for reasons of procreation or not.... you are each other's forever for petes sake. who gives people these ideas that the catholic church is so anti-sex?  it gets so old.

mbcdefg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyE-WixMKdAlol

Jay&Marissa

Ditto Masked RosePS--Having an evening reception? You may be so freakin' tired afterward that you wont want to do anything anyway :)And if you are leaving for a faraway honeymoon, that should help out too.

Equine Osmosis

Canary- I sympathize!! I'm in a similar boat and have no real answer. I'm just starting a 3 year school program and getting pregnant 5 months in would be a huge setback (factor in that I have a child from a previous relationship and have waited years to get to a point where I could return to school). We definitely want more kids, but just need to wait a little while longer before doing so. Our wedding night is going to be 100% for our enjoyment and contraceptives are not an option. I guess we'll hope and pray for the best! On a side note, I have just started to learn about NFP and hope that I can get a handle on it before the wedding in Feb. Where did you find classes/materials for it?

Equine Osmosis

I also meant to mention that the stress of the wedding and/or travel might speed up your cycle so good luck!

Calypso1977

equine, i've been teaching myself by reading/studying "taking charge of your fertility".  its a great book, and its written from a scientific viewpoint rather than religious.

bel138

I know this is random and I'm coming on late, but does anyone have any experience with tossing and turning in the morning? I have a tendency to wake up, turn over and fall back asleep several times, especially from 5-7am. I've just started charting, and I can't tell if this is affecting it yet. Also, it doesn't help that I'm usually so groggy that I have trouble remembering if I actually did wake up or not. So, it's near impossible to write this in the comment section. Does this happen to anyone else?

Jay&Marissa

Also, it doesn't help that I'm usually so groggy that I have trouble remembering if I actually did wake up or not.Yup--I also wake up, walk across the room to turn off the alarm, and then go right back to sleep. It helped me to get a thermometer that beeps the whole dang time and loudly at the end, because I tend to fall back asleep.I don't think it should affect your temp. though, unless you are actually getting up for a long period of time.

Calypso1977

bel, i also wake up anywhere between 3 and 5 to use the restroom.  when this happens, i wake up, take my temp tehn, and then use the restroom.  i have not noticed a great variance in my temps by taking it anywhere during that 2 hour period.

canary11

Get a thermometer that remembers your temp. I can't be bothered to wake up, temp, write it down, sleep. Forget that! The ones that they sell on CCL.org will remember your temp. I temp at 5-5:30am. If I am anywhere outside that time range, my temp is wacky. If I have to pee, I take my temp first. Sometimes I wake to pee at 3 or 4, and have noticed that it does not affect my temp. Everyone's different. Also, for resources, check out ccl.org, taking charge of your fertility book, and even fertilityfriend.com. Fertility friend is more for TTC, but they have TONS of information about anything related to your cycle and explains abnormal cycles very well. GL!

Calypso1977

ditto the CCL thermometer.  someone on here (jay and marissa??) recommended it to me.  its great, although a big noisy.  luckily H is a deep sleeper.

clearheavens

I'm late in the discussion.  But like you, I am a devout Catholic, and I have thought about this happening in the future, too.My advice is, pray about it, and know that whater happens will come out beautifully.If you do decide to abstain, instead of abstaining for an entire week, I would abstain for maybe 3 days.  Just make sure those three days are full of other activity like rock climbing or hiking so that you're so exhauted no one wants to make love!