Wedding questions from a "returning" Catholic

Lazynella

Where do I begin?  I thought I would write what Im going through and see what you all think.  I am begining to plan my wedding and have been doing some soul searching.  I have been trying to increase my relationship with the Church and especially God.  To be honest I am what you consider a waterd-down Catholic.  My parents didnt really practice but I did make my communion and go to Sunday School.  I want to make my confirmation and my FI wants to convert.  However, I dont want to be a hypocrit.  being that I live with my Fiance, am on birthcontrol and often ate meat on Fridays (lol) I now I am not that perfect little Catholic.  So I guess I am trying to find a happy medium.  I believe in Christ, I believe in the words of the Bible and I have good intentsions.  I dont even know where to begin.  I know my FI will need to take classes to convert and I know I will need to make confirmation and even take some pre marital classes.  As I have been told (on this website) I am NOT allowed to get married outside.  I would marry in a church but I dont want the looong ceremony.  Am I being selfish?   For wanting to practice this religion but expecting it to meet me half way?

sbelle85

First of all, it is great that you want to increase your relationship with the Church again! I think you should contact the RCIA director at your local parish and talk to them about your questions and concerns. Many parishes offer a special program for lapsed or childhood Catholics who are "coming home". I also think you might find it very rewarding to attend RCIA classes with your fiance. It can be a powerful bonding experience and a way for both of you to grow in your relationship with the Church.

You should also find out who the wedding contact is at your church and get in touch with them as soon as possible. Most parishes that I know of require a minimum of six months of pre-marital classes and training before you can marry in the Church. With your situation, there may be additional classes and activities that you would be required to complete. There are different options for the ceremony (you can opt out of communion, for example), but to marry in the church your ceremony does have to meet certain requirements and follow a somewhat particular structure.

agapecarrie

I'm so glad you are looking into things. 

First thing, before disregarding anything, please please research completely the why behind the teaching. I use to disagree with lots of teachings, then I studied it and learned about how much it makes sense, and that the teachings are there for my own good, not detriment. They can be challenging... but that is what taking up our cross means...The destination is heaven and we should be willing to do anything it takes to get there. 

2nd- pray. A lot

3rd,  regarding the "long" ceremony...if you learn about what the mass is all about, and you both are Catholic when you get married, it is very wise to have a mass. The infinite grace from the sacraments are available, it wouldn't make sense to not have it. When I started understanding the mass, it doesn't seem long anymore.

4th contact your local parish priest and meet with him. Tell him of your renewed interest in the faith and fiance's interest in converting...you can both attend RCIA to learn. I also recommend a couple easy reading books that helps make the church's harder teachings easier to understand... "Theology of the body for beginners" and "Good news about sex and marriage" by Christopher West

clearheavens

I'm really happy to hear that your relationship with Christ is really important! It doesn't matter where you are in your faith journey, the fact that you want to deepen your relationship is the essential.  It takes work, and sometimes some discomfort because you have never gone this way before, but it is worthwhile.

-I would enroll your FI in RCIA...you will likely be going with him, too

-Then I would also take a course together with your FI called "God's Plan For a Joy-Filled Marriage" and Couple to Couple League's NFP course

-I would also order the book from Amazon, "The Good News About Sex and Marriage" by Christopher West, in an easy Q&A format

This is so you can increase your knowledge.  Education is important in becoming closer to God.

Then I would start trying to go to Mass more regularly, if you aren't already, even if FI isn't ready to go with you.  Worship is very important in your spiritual life.

Finally, start praying with your FI.  It may begin as just saying grace at meals or a quick prayer at nighttime.  Or you may only remember to say "good morning, God" and that's it. Whatever you start with, just keep at it. As you do this, your faith will grow.  You can then expand into reading some Scripture.  The good thing about the Bible is that it isn't meant to be read from page 0 to the end, like a novel.  It's organized in books.  Start with whichever book you like first.

Riss91

Everything pp said is spot -on. I applaud you for trying to find truth. I was raised Catholic, like you, and similarly "watered down" and I eventually became a lapsed Catholic. I became very critical of some of Catholic teachings on the main-stream "hot topics". I eventually began to question more and more. Luckily, I had an amazing resource (he's now my husband). He was patient, kind and non-defensive when I challenged these ideas. He really helped me understand the root of the Church's teachings and it all sort of "clicked". I am now pretty much the complete opposite of what I was 10 years ago.

So, if you don't have someone you're comfortable with that is a great source of knowledge and a great teacher...please feel free to PM me (or other ladies on this board) regarding anything you want to understand. I really think you need to challenge everything in order to strengthen your faith.

I'd also recommend the blog "conversion diary". She was an atheist and converted to Catholicism. I think she has a lot of great insight.

lalaith50

Excellent advice from PPs... It's so wonderful that you are even starting to think about these things...so many people just get married in a Catholic Church b/c they feel like they "have to," but it's so wonderful that you are starting ask the questions like "why."

I'm a huge book person, so I'm totally going to echo the books that clearheavens recommended, and also joining RCIA. 

If you dont already have one, find a good church. (For example, if a church tries to tell you that things that you *know* the Catholic church says are wrong are ok, then run!)

Also, for some other books that are a little more general about Catholicism, here's some to check out--

I haven't actually read this one, but it looks great:

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Stay-Catholic-Unexpected-Life-Changing/dp/0829435379/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1314552781&sr=8-11

Anything by Scott Hahn is excellent and interesting:

http://www.amazon.com/Reasons-Believe-Understand-Catholic-ebook/dp/B000QCQ916/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1314552781&sr=8-6

As is anything by Peter Kreeft- (this one looks a bit long, but I'm sure it will be an *excellent* explanation of many Catholic beliefs:- )

http://www.amazon.com/Catholic-Christianity-Complete-Catechism-Beliefs/dp/0898707986/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1319663316&sr=1-4

clearheavens

On the subject of books, I have a few more recommendations.  I am an avid reader myself, which describes my journey of faith.

While I love Scott Hahn, Chesterton, and other brilliant and prominent Catholic minds, I think the books I'm recommending below are a better choice for those who are dipping their toes into the water.  It won't intimidate, it's conversational in style, and it's good to read right before bed for those who have to get up really early in the morning.

"Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?" and "Did Jesus have a last name?" by Matthew Pinto.

I know it's written for teenagers, so before you go "seriously???" let me tell you why I like these two books: I think many lapsed Catholics haven't had a significant religious experiences since junior high, so this is a really easy read with tons of info to wrap your head around.

And then "Beginning Apologetics 1: How to Explain and Defend the Catholic Church" by Chacon and Burnham.

Apologetics is not about "apologizing," but is about being able to communicate why we believe the things we do.  This book and others in the 9-piece set is amazing for every Catholic, lapsed or not.

Calypso1977

i think that as you get closer to the church, some of these things will make sense and you will actually want things like the long ceremony, because as others said, as you begin to understand the "why's", it all paints a complete logical picture.

good luck!

Lazynella

Thanks everyone.  This is all great advice!!