Im losing sleep over this!

swalker04

My fiance and I want to have a catholic ceremony. We booked our reception site in our hometown, and My church will not let me get married any later than 2pm on a Saturday. His church is no later than 1:30p!  Our reception is starting at 6pm..... Thats 4 hrs!! 
I can't have 4 hours in between everything! It will probably be 3 hours after the ceremony and receiving line. 
Is it OK to have 3 hrs in between? I don't feel like it is!  

agapecarrie

There are usually confessions and mass in the church on Saturday evening. This is very common in Catholic churches. In my area the time in between is very common and expected, and often times invitations/web site have suggestions for things to do in between.

The thing is, you really should get the church first. A couple has to go through the marriage discernment process before guaranteed a date. 

swalker04

Well, I wanted to get married where my grandparents had their reception. We've done pre-cana and met with the priest who is doing our ceremony before getting the reception site. 

I went to catholic school through college. I just didnt realize the reception site and church would be so unflexible with me. 

Now I'm stuck with unhappy families and lost money, and wanting to give up my catholic ceremony all together

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-losing-sleep-over-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:9c0162a1-54f5-4870-8a4c-31308a7e1eaaPost:2f397f81-964e-4b1f-8a8c-e0a71d189fa1">Re: Im losing sleep over this!</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I wanted to get married where my grandparents had their reception. We've done pre-cana and met with the priest who is doing our ceremony before getting the reception site.  I went to catholic school through college. I just didnt realize the reception site and church would be so unflexible with me.  Now I'm stuck with unhappy families and lost money, and wanting to give up my catholic ceremony all together
Posted by swalker04[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh...so you did get your discenment done..that's great.</div><div>
</div><div>I don't see why you think the church should be "flexible." Do you expect them to cancel confessions and mass for you?  And because they don't, you would enter into an invalid marriage outside the church? </div>

swalker04

I would not want the Church to cancel anything. I offered to use the chapel and ask a family friend who is a priest to marry us, I also asked to get married after the 4pm Mass. However this was not an option.  

monkeysip

OP,

I know that in *some* circles, this gap is normal and expected.  Guests just do other things during that time, like check into a hotel, go home and change, or hang out at a restaurant.

I, however, wouldn't do that to my guests, so I would suggest hosting something for your guests in between.

If you're having a nuptial mass, then your ceremony and receiving line will probably end around 3:30 (with a 2:00 ceremony).  If just a ceremony and not a mass, probably around 3:00 or 3:10 (also depending upon how long your receiving line is).

Between 3:30 and 6:00, or, if there's some driving involved, 4:00-6:00 or something, maybe you could host something nearby with light refreshments.  Does the church have a space to host punch and snacks in the meantime?  Or do one of your parents live close by (or someone else who would willingly host something small)?  Or is there ANY restaurant or hotel suite nearby where you could host something? 

That way, anyone who doesn't have a place to go during that time can get some refreshments and mingle with others until your reception begins.

Otherwise, I would find a new reception place, sorry.  We have a 2:00pm ceremony time too, and we purposefully found a venue that would start our reception at 4:00.  The gap will be 30 minutes at the most, and if possible, we'll have some punch and cookies outside the church after the ceremony. 

I understand your frustration, and I think many Catholic brides are in your dilemma.  But if the church is important to you, then the ceremony has to come first, and you need to work other things around it.

HandBanana

We were married at 2:30 and our reception started at 5. My MIL hosted light drinks and food at her home between the ceremony and recpetion which worked out wonderfully bevause she lives onpy a few blocks from the church. Do you have someone that could do this? The tricky part is you can't really ask someone to do this,they have to offer. Another option could be hosting light food and refreshment at the church. Do they gave a basement or space you could use? Ours uses the school's basement for events.

pittpoint1119

We are in the same situtation. The latest we can have the ceremony is 1:30 even if we don't do mass which we are not doing. The reception does not start until 5:00. Our reception is an hour away from the church. Most of the family is OOT but they will not be staying over night, My father wants to see if the reception hall will host light refreshments aka cocktail hour, but then that means we have to be out of there by 9pm! I don't want my reception ending then so we will just direct people to the local mall on our wedding website. It sucks the gap but i wouldnt wanna get married anywhere else!

Eliz77

I originally wanted an afternoon wedding, cocktail hour to start around 4 or 5. Once I realized that would not be possible, I went with an 11am ceremony, 12-5 reception. Catholic gaps are very expected and yes an inconvenience to the guests. My brother is getting married in the fall, 1pm Mass, 5pm starts cocktail hour. Luckily, the hotel their very many OOT guests are staying at will host a pretty much pre-cocktail hour party for them for a small fee since theu are renting A LOT of rooms. Or they can rent their venue for another hour and pretty much have 2 hours of cocktails. But that still leaves a 1.5-2 hour gap.

I would see about finding another place to host a pre-cocktail party for the guests who have no place to go. 

Riss91

I attended a wedding where the ceremony begain at 1:00pm and the reception started at 6:00pm. The couple hosted a hospitality suite in the hotel that they were having their reception. Since most of the guests were staying at the hotel, it wasn't much of a problem. After hanging out at the hospitality suite for a while, I went back to my room and relaxed and freshened up. It wasn't ideal, but I felt the couple did their job by hosting something.

We were able to avoid having a large gap by using a chapel that wasn't the main Church facility for the parish. We brought in our own priest to perform the ceremony.

You can see if other parishes in the area would be more flexible with timing, or see if your reception venue can help you out at all. Otherwise, I would host something small with beverages, a place for guests to sit, use a bathroom, etc.

I hope you get it all sorted out! A gap is not worth giving up a Catholic marriage. I know it is frustrating, but you can work something out.

kgrawedding

Honestly, this is not something I'm worrying about.  We will have about 1.5 hour gap, and it is what it is.  Guests can freshen up in their hotel room, stroll around the historic part of town, wander through the Target, grab coffee at the local coffee shop, or hang in the hotel lobby/bar.  They will have warning on the invite and reception cards that the wedding is at 2 and cocktails don't start until 5.  They are grown adults and can find something to do with themselves.  I'm not telling them what to do between whenever they arrive in the city on Friday or Saturday morning and the start ceremony, I don't feel the need to micromanage every part of their day.

lalaith50

Almost all of our guests either lived in town and could go home or do whatever, or had gotten a hotel room that they could check into. So I didn't worry about doing anything for them, but if we had had a lot of guests who lived more than 20 minutes away, and weren't spending the night in a hotel, then I would have done something for them.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-losing-sleep-over-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:9c0162a1-54f5-4870-8a4c-31308a7e1eaaPost:4639e0d0-43b9-4590-9ad7-3a39ce7515e4">Re: Im losing sleep over this!</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, this is not something I'm worrying about.  We will have about 1.5 hour gap, and it is what it is.  Guests can freshen up in their hotel room, stroll around the historic part of town, wander through the Target, grab coffee at the local coffee shop, or hang in the hotel lobby/bar.  They will have warning on the invite and reception cards that the wedding is at 2 and cocktails don't start until 5.  They are grown adults and can find something to do with themselves.  I'm not telling them what to do between whenever they arrive in the city on Friday or Saturday morning and the start ceremony, I don't feel the need to micromanage every part of their day.
Posted by kgrawedding[/QUOTE]

You are confusing two separate things here.

The post arrival and pre wedding time is not something that is hosted.   It's not an event and is simply the time leading to the event.

Once the ceremony starts, your wedding has begun.  You are hosting guests and then leaving them all dressed up with nowhere to go and nothing to do for over an hour.  THAT isn't just poor hosting - it's not hosting at all!   By hosting  you aren't micromanaging.  You're being gracious to your guests who have taken THEIR time to see you.

agapecarrie

Just to put my regular experience in here

Out of the tons of weddings I've been to and played for, less than 1% did NOT have a "gap".

In my circles, its odd to not have a gap. Weddings are considered a day long event -- and people look forward to it.  If there is some sort of time in between the wedding and reception, it needed to be enough time to go do something. It would be rude to NOT have a gap. People just get together, go to a restaurant and get a drink and appetizer and catch up.  (because dinner never starts immediately at the reception time, there are always toasts, introductions, prayers, etc.)

utcubanb

That's something that is bothered me for the longest time to the point where I changed my date in order to have a 3:00 wedding mass time. May I suggest suggesting some post ceremony activities that your guests could do? 

professorscience

We had a 2:00 start time, and our reception was over by 9:00.  We got married in the fall, so we had a great afternoon-into-evening reception.  Afterward, some friends and family hosted parties at various locations.  H and I made it to one bar, and then we went to our hotel -- we were so exhausted!  At first we thought it was going to be odd to end so early, but it ended up being great.

I wouldn't stress.  If your reception venue won't budge and you absolutely can't scoot your reception start time up (which doesn't make a lot of sense, since they shouldn't be using the facility for anything else), then there's nothing you can do at this point without losing a lot of money, as you said.  Some of your guests will feel inconvenienced by the gap, some might even decide not to attend part of or all of the ceremony/reception (I know that a gap was part of the reason I declined a recent invitation -- I didn't want to be stuck an hour away from my home with nothing to do for two hours), but that's something you just deal with.  It would be best, as PPs have mentioned, to try to host something during the gap for your OOT guests.

Is your reception at a hotel?  I know some friends of ours had their reception at a downtown hotel and the guests were allowed to go to happy hour at the bar (and guests staying at the hotel got free drinks!) until the WP showed up.

Calypso1977

can you keep your same reception hall and do a lunch reception instead and get married in the morning?  the church will most likely have no problem marrying you at 11 am, you could then have your reception from like 1230 or 100 to say, 6 or 7.

BCV513

I would find a new reception venue. My church does weddings at 5:30 on Saturdays (after the 4:00 mass) and I purposely found a reception venue that would allow us to come in at 7:00. We'll probably even be a little bit later than that because it's a full mass and it's about a 20 minute drive. I didn't want my guests to have a gap though, and it was most important to me to have the church done right.

professorscience

I think the problem is that OP has already put money down on THIS reception venue, so she'd like to fix this without losing a ton of money.

Calypso1977

problem is, as agape pointed out, is taht OP planned things backwards.  you secure your church (the most important part) first.

i hear her on losing money, btu sometimes they will work wtih you to have it at a different time as long as you still book with them. 

if its a popular place they may be willing to refund her if they have several other people who want taht day and slot.

i do find it sad taht OP is willing to give up a catholic wedding rather than giving up a reception site.  to me that's WAY more improtant than having a reception where your grandparents had theirs.  im sure the grandparents, if catholic, would rather see their granddaughter's marriage be valid in the eyes of the church. 

professorscience

Oh yeah, I'm not advocating giving up the church.  I'm just saying there has to be a way to work with the reception venue to get the timeframe right (and if they aren't flexible, I'd say you're better off without them even if you do lose your deposit).

megagliardi

Think of it this way - more time for you guys to do pictures and NOT miss the reception! When you don't have a gap - you miss half (if not all) the cocktail party! We DON"T have a gap, and I wish I did!

Calypso1977

the purpose of the cocktail party is for pictures.

a simple way to not miss your cocktail party AND avoid a gap is to do pictures before the ceremony.