e-party gifts: advice from "normal" people who aren't etiquette snobs, please! :-)

lalaith50

So apparently, if you say "no gifts please," that is really rude b/c it implies that if you hadn't said that, then you would have expected people to bring you gifts.

It took me awhile to wrap my mind about that, but, ok. fine.

Then I was told on the etiquette board that "most people know that you aren't expected to bring a gift to an e-party, so you shouldn't have to tell them."

Then, within a day or two, another girl posted a new thread wondering if she should bring a gift to an e-party she was invited to! Clearly, this is NOT obvious!

So, how on earth are you supposed to let people know that you really and truly DO NOT WANT or EXPECT gifts?! (I added that at the bottom of my original post on the etiquette board, and it either is too far down now for anyone to answer, or no one cares enough or knows the answer!)

I have seen enough invitations (like to birthday parties or whatever) where people say something about "no gifts," so it can't be that rude! Should I worry about this? Or just have my friends who are throwing the party write "no gifts."?

catarntina

Maybe it's a regional thing.  I grew up in Toledo, OH which is just south of Detroit.  I've seen "No Gifts Please" on several invitations.  Or "Gag gifts only" for like someone's 40th Birthday party.

I say just put "No Gifts Please" on the invitation.  Some people might get you a gift anyways, but they shouldn't feel obligated if you put no gifts on the invite.

I think I would feel more obligated to buy a gift if the invite did *not* say no gifts.  And I thought it was customary to bring a gift to a e-party.  But again, maybe this is a regional interpretation since we come from the same part of the country.

greeneke2

I don't think people are supposed to really buy gifts for an engagement party.  That's what my mom told me.  But, at the same time so many people say so many different things its hard to keep track of what is right and what isn't.

I'm not sure about that.  Since my mom said you aren't supposed to get gifts for the e-party we didn't put anything at the bottom regarding gifts period.

lalaith50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_e-party-gifts-advice-normal-people-arent-etiquette-snobs-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:a53d651c-0f7e-4f4a-aeee-3edd9f94dd7cPost:b5b62333-6f7d-470f-9032-e0163cf8e01a">Re: e-party gifts: advice from "normal" people who aren't etiquette snobs, please! :-)</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think people are supposed to really buy gifts for an engagement party.  That's what my mom told me.  But, at the same time so many people say so many different things its hard to keep track of what is right and what isn't. I'm not sure about that.  Since my mom said you aren't supposed to get gifts for the e-party we didn't put anything at the bottom regarding gifts period.
Posted by greeneke2[/QUOTE]
and did you get any gifts?

caitriona87

I think to some degree this is regional, but for what it's worth:

I live in Florida. We didn't have an engagement party, so I can't say from experience with my own but...

1. If the invitation did not say "no gifts" I would probably give a very small gift
2. I have received invites to all sorts of parties that say "no gifts please" and I do not find it rude in the slightest. I also do not bring a gift in that case.

Riss91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_e-party-gifts-advice-normal-people-arent-etiquette-snobs-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:a53d651c-0f7e-4f4a-aeee-3edd9f94dd7cPost:75cf34f0-7c47-4833-9389-a2f34099d0e4">Re: e-party gifts: advice from "normal" people who aren't etiquette snobs, please! :-)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think to some degree this is regional, but for what it's worth: I live in Florida. We didn't have an engagement party, so I can't say from experience with my own but... 1. If the invitation did not say "no gifts" I would probably give a very small gift 2. I have received invites to all sorts of parties that say "no gifts please" and I do not find it rude in the slightest. I also do not bring a gift in that case.
Posted by caitriona87[/QUOTE]

This, except I don't live in FL <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

I've never heard that asking people NOT to bring a gift is considered rude.

mica178

*Thinks about ducking out of the conversation*

I think it's nearly impossible to tell people to not bring a gift.  They are or they aren't going to bring you a gift, regardless of what the invitation says (Does anyone here watch Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm?  Remember the Ben Stiller arc?).  It's not usual in my circle to bring gifts to engagement parties other than maybe a bottle of wine, but there are girls on the E board who say that at their engagement parties people bring them cash and gifts off the registry.

My MIL explicitly told guests not to bring gifts (by word of mouth) to the tea she threw for me when H and I were engaged.  About half the guests brought gifts anyway, which basically turned my tea into a shower where half the guests were embarrassed that they showed up empty-handed.  Grr.

Putting "No gifts, please" on the invitation confuses things because it implies that guests should have expected to bring gifts and should bring them to any future event that you throw that does not have that note on it.  Guests are never obligated to bring a gift to any event other than showers.

doctabroccoli

Lalaith - your post made me chuckle since Mica and I are both E regs, and Mica is also an E mod.

But the "official" stance is that anything with respect to gifts should be spread by word of mouth, not written on the invite.

Jasmine&Rajah

Every single couple/individual/family at our betrothal ceremony/dinner (basically our engagement party) brought a gift (mostly cash.)  I was hoping people would NOT give us presents on that occasion, but figured that they would.

And yes, the same people brought gifts to my bridal shower and to the wedding.  I was exhausted after what was essentially a year of writing thank you notes.  ;-)

If you really would like to write something on the invite, perhaps go with the generic, "Your presence is the only gift we hope for!"  in teeny letters in a corner somewhere.  But I agree that if people want to bring a gift, they will bring a gift, no matter what you say.  :-)

Calypso1977

we spread via word of mouth that we didnt want gifts, hadnt registered, etc.  we still got a few items, and a fair amoutn of cash.

the rule with e-parties is that if anyone does bring you a gift, it should NOT be opened in front of everyone like you would at a shower.  thank teh person, tehn set it aside to open later in private.

chrissyinatl

OK I actually attended an engagement party last year and I had to ask my mom and sister for advice on the gift issue.  Engagement parties had kind of gone out of fashion, so I had NEVER been to one.

I finally ended up googling it and read many snippets where it said you didn't have to bring a gift - and really weren't supposed to.

I did notice that a few people brought small things, like bottles of wine and cards and stuff.

I don't think you have to mention 'no gifts'.  Theoretically you shouldn't be registered by the time of an engagement party.

Meg1036

I actually agree with the "No gifts, please" etiquette.  Having it there implies that it otherwise should or would be a gift-giving occasion, or that you can tell people when to (or not to) give gifts.  Don't register.  If people ask, tell them you don't want anything.  We're from the same area, and I have at least found that
1) Engagement parties aren't very common
2) People don't bring gifts to them (other than a bottle of wine or something).
So since the most people are likely to bring is wine or a picture frame or something, I think its really not necessary to put "no gifts" on the invite.  And if people do give you gifts, just write them a thank-you note!

Veggie - your new sig pic is super cute!

lisa89760

We got bottles of wine/liquor, some GC's and some people asked where we were registered.  I didn't want anyone to feel like they brought a gift but we usually bring a nice bottle of wine when we go to any party so the same thing applies for an engagement party!

doctabroccoli

Thanks Meg.  I got tired of the umpire and didn't feel like bringing back the Lent cat.  I'll break out an Easter cartoon of some sort after the 23rd!

Karen's MOH

At the engagement parties I've been to I have seen a lot of people bringing gifts. But these were all in the NYC/NJ area, which seems to crazy about giving big gifts I know the first one I went to, I thought about bringing something, ran out of time, and felt really awkward walking in empty handed. Now I usually bring something small, like a bottle of wine, or in the case of my siblings, we go in on a bigger gift, but that's family.

I know it's not proper etiquette to write no gifts, but for me, since I know people usually DO bring them around here, I'd see that and think, ooh nice. But then, I'd probably still bring a bottle of wine if it was at someone's house.

christyhal

We didn't have an engagement party, so we didn't get anything.  I've been to two for friends in the past year, though, and I took a bottle of wine to each one.  Some people brought cards or bottles of wine, and I only remember seeing one or two wrapped gifts, and I think those were from close family of the couple.  It could very well be a regional thing though.  We usually take wine to parties around here, engagement party or otherwise. 

ootmother2

I have to admit that this was one thing I screwed up totally.

My ExH gave the engagement party at his clubhouse, 80 guests, live music, buffet, flowers, the whole shebang.  M is his only daughter and he wanted to so something really nice for her.  He did include several of his close friends who were invited to the wedding later.

It was family on both sides and the bridal party  (including SOs) and he left the inviations up to me.  Heaven knows he had enough to organize on his own.

I had them professionally done (Wm.Arthur from a lady on the Toledo board) and keeping with the thought that these people would also be invited to the wedding and proabably one shower for the ladies as well.

So I put "no gifts please" at the bottom of the invite.  Gifts are usually given at E parties here so I thought that was okay.

Didn't work out that way.  The groom's family all brought gifts, wedding present type gifts which proved embarassing to those who had followed my "no gifts" request.  Some actually gave them a couple hundred dollars in envelopes because of my screw up.  I really felt stupid that I had put them in that position!

So, don't mention gifts.  Here, engagment parties are gift giving occasions, usually more on the small side.  A picture frame, a bottle of wine, toasting glasses, wedding planner, etc.  NOT $200 cash!

So, I'm passing on what I had to learn at someone else's expense.

GL

ring_pop

I have a slightly different take on why I find it somewhat rude to say "No gifts".

There's the official notion that it implies that gifts were otherwise expected.

To me, it's more about, what if I WANT to get you a gift out of happiness or whatever? And you're telling me you're going to refuse it? It's like, "well FINE." It's great not to EXPECT gifts but to go so far as to say that you don't WANT them (even if you get them) seems ungracious.

For the record, I generally don't bring gifts to engagement parties, or else something small like a bottle of wine (also assuming that I know that the couple would use it).

lmeade62

This may be very nosy of me, and please feel free not to answer if you don't feel comfortable, but why don't you want people to bring you gifts?

Linda

HandBanana

Why not do a themed party instead? 

As a PP mentioned about most gifts being wine and etc. why not do a "Stock the Bar" or "Favorite Recipe." That way you can avoid the extravagant gifts that you do not want.

You can't say "no gifts" though.  It is almost as bad as saying "only cash".

Also, the post you are refering to with the girl asking about bringing a gift to the e party.  The girl had already given them a gift when the couple had gotten engaged and done their engagement photos and was asking if she should still give them something else at the e party.  If you noticed posters suggested still bringing a card or framing one of the photos of the couple.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_e-party-gifts-advice-normal-people-arent-etiquette-snobs-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:a53d651c-0f7e-4f4a-aeee-3edd9f94dd7cPost:515a3c36-f946-4b23-8a97-a2754049b02b">Re: e-party gifts: advice from "normal" people who aren't etiquette snobs, please! :-)</a>:
[QUOTE]This may be very nosy of me, and please feel free not to answer if you don't feel comfortable, but why don't you want people to bring you gifts? Linda
Posted by lmeade62[/QUOTE]

In our case, i thought it was just overkill, did i mention that?

E party, 5 showers, & large wedding, I thought it was just too much.

Or was that question intended for the OP?

HandBanana

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_e-party-gifts-advice-normal-people-arent-etiquette-snobs-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:a53d651c-0f7e-4f4a-aeee-3edd9f94dd7cPost:d4227891-5029-462b-9c36-d2b697e8d19e">Re: e-party gifts: advice from "normal" people who aren't etiquette snobs, please! :-)</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to admit that this was one thing I screwed up totally. My ExH gave the engagement party at his clubhouse, 80 guests, live music, buffet, flowers, the whole shebang.  M is his only daughter and he wanted to so something really nice for her.  He did include several of his close friends who were invited to the wedding later. It was family on both sides and the bridal party  (including SOs) and he left the inviations up to me.  Heaven knows he had enough to organize on his own. I had them professionally done (Wm.Arthur from a lady on the Toledo board) and keeping with the thought that these people would also be invited to the wedding and proabably one shower for the ladies as well. So I put "no gifts please" at the bottom of the invite.  Gifts are usually given at E parties here so I thought that was okay. Didn't work out that way.  The groom's family all brought gifts, wedding present type gifts which proved embarassing to those who had followed my "no gifts" request.  Some actually gave them a couple hundred dollars in envelopes because of my screw up.  I really felt stupid that I had put them in that position! So, don't mention gifts.  Here, engagment parties are gift giving occasions, usually more on the small side.  A picture frame, a bottle of wine, toasting glasses, wedding planner, etc.  NOT $200 cash! So, I'm passing on what I had to learn at someone else's expense. GL
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]


That sounds like an amazing e party.

ootmother2

thanks, banana, it was!

The very best thing was that M's godmother came.  She did bring a gift.  The Martha Stewart Wedding Planner which M adored and used exclusively for her planning.

Her godmother was a dear childhood friend of mine and was terminally ill and knew she wouldn't make the wedding a year later.  That was an enormous effort for her to get there.  She even danced and still looked at beautiful as she was as a young bride. 

She passed only a few months before the wedding but left a gift with her mom to bring to the wedding.  A beautiful china bowl that M almost decorated an entire room around in their new home.

She was a wonderful woman and I still miss her

HandBanana

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_e-party-gifts-advice-normal-people-arent-etiquette-snobs-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:a53d651c-0f7e-4f4a-aeee-3edd9f94dd7cPost:250411a5-ec74-4342-8727-0991241ded2b">Re: e-party gifts: advice from "normal" people who aren't etiquette snobs, please! :-)</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks, banana, it was! The very best thing was that M's godmother came.  She did bring a gift.  The Martha Stewart Wedding Planner which M adored and used exclusively for her planning. Her godmother was a dear childhood friend of mine and was terminally ill and knew she wouldn't make the wedding a year later.  That was an enormous effort for her to get there.  She even danced and still looked at beautiful as she was as a young bride.  She passed only a few months before the wedding but left a gift with her mom to bring to the wedding.  A beautiful china bowl that M almost decorated an entire room around in their new home. She was a wonderful woman and I still miss her
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

That is a beautiful story.  She sounds like a really remarkable woman.

lmeade62

Sorry, my question was intended for the OP!

GulfCoaster

Am I the only one who doesn't usually care for engagement parties?  I'm all for celebrating an engagement, but given the number of other wedding-related events, I've never seen the point of a formal engagement party.  (Although oot's story is really touching.)

Our way of avoiding the gifts conundrum was to get engaged the week before a family BBQ, then announce our engagement there.  A ready-made party at which to celebrate our engagement, and because it was impromptu, none of these awkward questions about whether to bring gifts or not.   Lol.   ;-)

HandBanana

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_e-party-gifts-advice-normal-people-arent-etiquette-snobs-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:a53d651c-0f7e-4f4a-aeee-3edd9f94dd7cPost:b31d1151-1cae-4ee6-afc2-3d1c2785e3ac">Re: e-party gifts: advice from "normal" people who aren't etiquette snobs, please! :-)</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one who doesn't usually care for engagement parties?  I'm all for celebrating an engagement, but given the number of other wedding-related events, I've never seen the point of a formal engagement party.  (Although oot's story is really touching.) Our way of avoiding the gifts conundrum was to get engaged the week before a family BBQ, then announce our engagement there.  A ready-made party at which to celebrate our engagement, and because it was impromptu, none of these awkward questions about whether to bring gifts or not.   Lol.   ;-)
Posted by GulfCoaster[/QUOTE]


We did the same thing (or I should say FI planned it that way).  We got engaged the week before my family's family reunion and 2 weeks before two huge family events in his family.  No announcements needed. 

I'm not so much a fan either.  I went to two for one couple.  Yup.

ETA: I do understand families who can do it and do it super amazing are great.  I just have a problem in the situations where it seems gift grabby which a lot of pre-wedding parties can.

lalaith50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_e-party-gifts-advice-normal-people-arent-etiquette-snobs-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:a53d651c-0f7e-4f4a-aeee-3edd9f94dd7cPost:515a3c36-f946-4b23-8a97-a2754049b02b">Re: e-party gifts: advice from "normal" people who aren't etiquette snobs, please! :-)</a>:
[QUOTE]This may be very nosy of me, and please feel free not to answer if you don't feel comfortable, but why don't you want people to bring you gifts? Linda
Posted by lmeade62[/QUOTE]
I don't necessarily *not want* gifts, I just really and truly don't want people to feel obligated to bring them at all, especially if they're someone like me, who would feel rather uncertain about whether to bring a gift or not!<div>
</div><div>someone mentioned that e-parties might be overdoing the wedding partying a bit, and while I agree, my FI is from anothe state, and he really hasn't met many of my friends, other than my closest friends that we have hung out with, so I'm viewing the party as a way for him to meet more people, rather than being introduced on the day of the wedding! (The last e-party I went to was a friend of mine who is marrying a guy from England that I had never even met, so that made sense in the same sort of way.)</div><div>
</div><div>To combine those two points, I'm really happy that my friends are throwing the party, and since our wedding is in about 6 months (we got engaged pretty recently, so don't tell me this is too close to have an e-party!) I totally agree that I don't want this party to be "gift-grabby," I honestly just want my friends in my city to be able to meet my FI and have a good time, without feeling ANY obligation to bring a gift!</div><div>
</div><div>(I mean, yeah, if someone really really WANTS to bring a gift, I'm not going to turn them away! I just don't want anyone who doesn't actually want to, to go out and buy something.)
</div>

Calypso1977

gulf, ive only been to one.  i honestly dont get the point.
i just think there is too much AWing with weddings in general.  i just dont see why one needs umpteen parties to celebrate that they are getting married. 

it takes ZERO talent or hard work to get married.  its not really an accoplishment IMO.  i personally prefer anniversary parties for major milestones like 25 years.  now THATS somethign to celebrate and something that takes some work.

i feel the same way about baby showers. 

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_e-party-gifts-advice-normal-people-arent-etiquette-snobs-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:a53d651c-0f7e-4f4a-aeee-3edd9f94dd7cPost:b31d1151-1cae-4ee6-afc2-3d1c2785e3ac">Re: e-party gifts: advice from "normal" people who aren't etiquette snobs, please! :-)</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one who doesn't usually care for engagement parties?  I'm all for celebrating an engagement, but given the number of other wedding-related events, I've never seen the point of a formal engagement party.  (Although oot's story is really touching.) Our way of avoiding the gifts conundrum was to get engaged the week before a family BBQ, then announce our engagement there.  A ready-made party at which to celebrate our engagement, and because it was impromptu, none of these awkward questions about whether to bring gifts or not.   Lol.   ;-)
Posted by GulfCoaster[/QUOTE]

lol, I'm quite sure that you're not the only one. 

I think a good deal of it depends on where you live and your social circle.  I've been to an engagement party for almost every wedding I've attended.  I certainly wouldn't worry that you're missing something here.  Perhaps it's just not that common where you live.

greeneke2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_e-party-gifts-advice-normal-people-arent-etiquette-snobs-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:a53d651c-0f7e-4f4a-aeee-3edd9f94dd7cPost:c621530d-56d9-4e77-85cb-2e6bad4250f9">Re: e-party gifts: advice from "normal" people who aren't etiquette snobs, please! :-)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: e-party gifts: advice from "normal" people who aren't etiquette snobs, please! :-) : and did you get any gifts?
Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]

<div>My e-party actually isn't until May.  But, my mom has had a few people ask where I am registered, and she has politely told them that gifts at e-parties are not normally customary or expected.  But, some people (like my godparents) want to buy a gift anyway.  Like PP have said. Regardless of what you put on the invite, if someone really wants to get you a gift they will and if they don't they won't.  That's just my opinion though.</div><div>.</div>