FI says he's ready to try again -- advice

baystateapple

Backstory: my FI and I are both from Catholic families, and we received all our sacraments.  On a base level, there's nothing impeding us from getting married in the Church.  The tricky part is, when we met, FI had pretty much left the Church and was calling himself an agnostic.  His father has pretty much ruined Catholicism and religion as a whole for him and his two brothers, by raising them their whole lives to believe that they're "not good enough" and that one sin = total anathema and a break with the Church.  He stopped speaking to FI when he was in college and he skipped Mass to study for an exam.  FI has been raised his whole life believing that he is "too sinful" for God to love, and if that's what God is, he doesn't want any part of Him.

After our PMI this weekend, FI told me that he realized how important marriage in the Church was to me, and that he realizes that I'm not just going through the motions, that my spirituality is really important and meaningful, and that he wants to give the faith another shot.  I'm so happy to hear him say this, but I'm lost as to how I can help him without pushing or scaring him off again.  Any advice at all would be welcome.  TIA!

Riss91

That's great that he is open to trying again. It always bothers me when "religious" people turn people away from their own religions by being judgmental. It would probably be best for your FI to distance himself from discussion with his father regarding this topic.

Assure your FI that there ARE wonderful, helpful, nurturing people in the church and to just focus on the big picture first and not all little stuff that can be discouraging.

Good luck and we're here if you need anything!

baystateapple

Thanks Riss.  He doesn't ever talk to his father, because his father stopped speaking to his sons when they "sinned."  He's really sick.  I don't know where he got these ideas from, but they're not Catholic ideas!

Riss91

No, they're not Catholic beliefs! Many of the reasons people become/are anti-Catholic is because they are very very misinformed and often because there are many "Catholics" that misrepresent the church - this includes priests and church staff. The point of confession is to forgive sins, is it not? So, does your FFIL never have to confess because he is perfect? I think not.

I had drifted away from the church in highschool and I was really lucky to have my husband re-teach me so many ideas that I misunderstood. I feel very blessed now that the church is a big part of my life!

Clare13

That's wonderful news.  I would suggest starting by inviting him to attend mass with you on Sunday.  Work from there.  If he is comfortable going to confession I would attend together and start new.  Take it day by day.  Simply ask him to join you and don't pressure if he says no.  This is what I have done with my FI who had also fallen away from the church (for other reasons).  He has slowly started to appreciate his faith again.  The marriage preparation in our church has also been a very welcoming process for both of us.  Good luck in your journey. 

mcdol3

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about your FI's relationship with his dad. How horrible to live that way!
As the PP said, take it slow. He seems willing to try, and that's the first step. Let him come on his own, but make sure he knows that you support him. Keep up your faith and he'll see it's not a bad thing. If it was so terrible, he wouldn't be in love with you would he. It can't be all that bad if he found a wife-to-be.

My FI is a cradle Catholic and doesn't get as excited as me (a new Catholic). He comes to mass with me because it's important to me. I'm hoping with him coming all the time, he'll find his faith grows stronger.

baystateapple

Thanks, ladies.

Truth is, FFIL does go to confession -- daily.  He thinks he's that sinful.  Granted, I don't like him much (or at all), but I fail to see how ANYONE accomplishes commiting that many mortal sins that s/he has to go to confession every single morning.  I have no idea.

PressMe

Congratulations!  I think that it's great that you all can share this experience together.

Like Riss said, take it one day at a time.  For him to consider this, you were doing something right.  Also, he may want to attend a RCIA class for refresher information.  When I was confirmed we had tons of cradle Catholics in our class.

samurai21

Maybe you could pick up a copy of the Catechism for him to look through and read about what the church really teaches, and then find a priest to talk about it with.

I know that I was getting very turned off to the faith when I was in college and going through some things until I had to interview a priest for a project, and that conversation made me feel much better about Catholicism and God in general, and now he's the priest that's going to be marrying us. It can take some time, but finding the right church/priest that he can maybe talk to can be a good start.

JMU_Bride09

Make sure to let him know that you don't want to rush him into anything he's not ready for.  Let him know that you're there for him and will support him no matter what.  Show him what true Catholics are like...that we don't judge people or think that God won't love someone because they sinned.  Also, talk to him more aobut how much your faith and the Catholics you have known have helped you to become the person you are.  Keep your focus on showing him that Catholics and the Catholic religion aren't what his father made it seem. 

Calypso1977

could be FFIL just likes getting as many sacraments as he can - and confession is a sacrament.  confession also isnt just for mortal sins, its for venial sins too.  i personally would never go daily, but that's just me.

i agree with what others have said.  start out slow, see where it goes.

catholics and our faith are constantly slammed today for everything, and the church scandals certainly havent helped.  those that are calling for the church to be disbanded, abolished, etc. are really fired up and can be influential if the right folks are listening.

You can hate the president of our country, but that doesnt mean all its other leaders are bad or that you hate the country as a whole.  so while some may hate the pope, there are many other church leaders who do a great job and one cant hate the entire organization because of a few.