HELP! fmil is blowing up the guest list!!

jessie32

i just found out today from my fi that his parents, who live in virginia, are planning to add about 30 more people to our guest list!They want to invite their co-workers and people that have had them to their children's weddings. they said they would give us money to pay for the extra people, but i'm feeling alittle overwhelmed. i think its alittle rude to invite these people who do not know either me or the groom to our wedding. i understand that they are exited about the wedding and want to share it with their friends/co workers, but i'm not sure how i feel about having all these absolute strangers at the biggest day of my life. am i being selfish? i couldn't sleep at all tonight worring about this-and the extra cost is going to be an issue too. well, let me know if i'm being over sensitive and should just let it go..... or not.

tia0314

Ah, the guest list drama I feel for you- I had the same trouble. You just need to put your foot down and say how you feel. Tell them it's not about the money (even it is is, since they offered to pay) but it's about the specialness of the day that you want to share with poeple that YOU and FI know and love. Hopefully they'll get it. I had a similiar situation. HTH!

Future.Mrs.Shawty

Do you already have a venue booked?  If so, will it hold the extra people?  If it doesn't, there's your "out."  How many people do you have already that you're inviting?  How does your FI feel about it?  Does he mind? I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and I think that as long as the people were paid for, it wouldn't matter to me to add the extras.  The only thing is - the cost isn't only the extra heads for dinner - it's also extra money on invitations, extra favors, extra chair covers (if you're having them), extra programs, extra thank you cards, extra cake.....etc, etc.  Are the FIL's taking THOSE expenses into account when they say they'll pay for them?

jarmstrong23

Let me relive a conversation I had with FMIL on the phone 4 days ago. ME: Should I invite Mary (officiant's wife) to the shower? FMIL:  Oh yes!  And Marsha.ME:  :::pause:::: Who's Marsha?FMIL:  (matter-of-factly) Michael's wife. ME:  :::pause, blink:::: Who's Michael? FMIL:  (anxiety rising in her voice) My cousin Michael.?. ME:  (as gently as I can) He's not on the guest listFMIL:  :::gasp::: HE'S NOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTT??!!!!!! ------I'm cracking up reliving this conversation because we're 88 days out and she's just now telling me who she wants!!!!???? She's cooky, and the only reason this is funny is because you just have to know this woman to appreciate it.  7 months ago, I asked all parents for lists-- guess which one never gave me a list?That conversation lead to 6 more people being invited-- that brings us to 223 to our original plan of 200 guests.  I'm starting to sweat :-) As far as your OP, how much are they contributing overall?  I ask because, in my world, the $$$ they are contributing = power over the decisions.  FI and I are paying for everything, so we can make our own decisions regarging the guest list.  That's nice that they are offering to pay for these extra ppl-- but Erin's right-- there's more expense than just the meals/drinks.  Who is contributing the most $$ to your wedding?

jeremy.teresa

I def don't envy you in this situation.  We are fortunate enough to be paying for the wedding ourselves, so we aren't asking either set of parents for a guest list.  But, I def agree w/ Erin.  Make sure they are taking into account ALL of the extra expenses.  Invites, centerpieces, flowers, programs, etc.  Just offering to pay for the dinner for those people isn't the whole deal.  GL!

prokadima

Do you think those people will actually come to the wedding? We are inviting a ton of people that I know will not come because they live so far out of town. However, I know they will be flattered just to be invited. Good luck!

vaughnar

I agree with pp. Depending on who is paying is going to matter a lot. My parents are paying and the break down is they get 50, my FIL get 50, and we get 20 (our bridal party is 8 and they get to bring guests). Needless to say we are still in a neotiation phase and either hoping the number gets bumped up (both sites are big) or we get a bigger percentage because some of the people (like my roommates from college) are more special to me the the Aunt I have only met porbably 15 times in my life. You are still pretty far out from your date so you may want to consider saying something about you want it to be an intimate moment with people you couldn't imagine NOT being there and see if that helps them cut down in some of the number:)

stosha1

Okay so your wedding is OVER A YEAR AWAY. Lots of things can change in a year. Take a deep breath!!Have you booked a venue yet?If you have, you'll know the total amount of people you can invite (and assume who will come). We chose to have a "small, intimate" wedding so that we could keep the guest list to a minimum and not feel obligated to invite people we really didn't care if were there (aka our co-workers, our parent's friends, etc). The reality is that if these people are OOT guests then they most likely will not travel all the way from Virginia to your wedding (unless they are close relatives).If you and your FI are taking money from his parents to pay for the entire wedding AND they are giving you money, then unfortunately you're at their mercy. They should get a say on who gets invited.But you and your FI need to have a united front when it comes to situations like this. We paid for our entire wedding and his parents still wanted to invite people we didn't want to.  When We both decided we didnt' want to invite them (or did), and then we told that to his parents. You must be united in your opinions and realize this is not going to be the first time people will tell you what they think your wedding should be like.

jessie32

thank you everyone for all the great responses! as far as who is paying for the wedding, i will be footing most of the bill. my fi will give me as much as he can, but the majority of it will come from me. we are hoping that our parents will be able to contribute too, but we arn't going to ask them for anything. i guess i will try and relax, hope the out-of-towners don't feel like making the trip and enjoy the planning process. i definatly will take into account the extra invites, cake, seating, ect... that comes along with extra guests and let fmil know how much more we will need. thanks everyone!!