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July 2011 Weddings

AHHHH!!! FMIL is killing me!!!

So..my birthday is REALLY important to me (as is everyone's birthday) and I have just been informed that my FI will be going away for Christmas and won't be back for my birthday (December 28). 

I would be more understanding if my FMIL was not super strict about everyone being present for her birthday. We accidentally planned her birthday a day in advance and she wasn't happy about that...wanted to hold off the celebration until the next day (which the cake that I ordered would've been all yuck by then) and just made it difficult and finally gave in but was upset about it.

Well...she told FI that "I could manage to have my birthday without him" and "it's not a big deal". Usually...I would be sort of upset but just brush it off...but the fact that she was SO psycho about hers this year makes me kind of ticked off.

I know some of you probably think that this isn't justified but she just seems to think that things that involve me aren't important. I know this is her first son that she's "losing" but seriously...I'd like to feel like she semi-cares about my feelings. Sometimes it seems like she does things to annoy me on purpose.
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Re: AHHHH!!! FMIL is killing me!!!

  • I would be totally hurt too! I'm sorry! That sucks!
    What does FI say?
  • He said he told her that even if I was okay with it that he didn't want to miss my birthday. And he also said that he's going to try talking to her again because if they just left a day earlier he'd be back for my birthday.
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  • Sorry, I'm just slightly confused and looking for clarification..when you say FI is going away do you mean to his parents house?  Or work?

    image Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_ahhhh-fmil-killing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:647Discussion:9687c373-0d01-433d-85c0-e0484f2bab01Post:056fe8c2-f804-472f-913b-42f1d342fc55">Re: AHHHH!!! FMIL is killing me!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are both students..so we still live with our parents when we go back home. He's going away with his family to his grandmother's house. And I'm not going because when his family goes away it is "his family only" and also..<strong>she sometimes doesn't allow cellphones on the trip and takes them away when they get there so he can't contact me</strong>. She has some strictness issues...luckily FI turned out very well. :)
    Posted by Brodie and Chevelle[/QUOTE]

    Sounds like she has some major control issues also! Yikes!! I'm sorry you have to deal with her, sounds like she will continue to be a challenge. :(
    Is there any chance your FI can come home ahead of the rest of this family?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2011-weddings_ahhhh-fmil-killing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:647Discussion:9687c373-0d01-433d-85c0-e0484f2bab01Post:fd359f21-45a8-43d6-850d-7a45ffc99f5f">Re: AHHHH!!! FMIL is killing me!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: AHHHH!!! FMIL is killing me!!! : I find this very disturbing. Does she not approve of your marriage?  He is not a child, and you are his soon to be wife, which IS family, and should trump the MIL. Why does he not say "I am an adult, this is my soon-to-be wife, so this is what we will be doing, and you need to except that"?
    Posted by apaadzzzz[/QUOTE]

    i agree. this is very worrying to me as well. maybe it's time for you and FI to have a chat to lay out expectations as well? or, at the very least, ask him to talk to his mom!
  • that really stinks :-/  sorry you have to deal with that.  My family did something similar with a family only trip, but FI and I were only dating - as soon as the ring was on my finger he officially became 'family'.

    I did have another similar experience (again it was when we were dating).  FI was turning 21, and his family was planning a surprise party a couple weeks later (we were at school on his actual birthday).  So a few weeks before, they're in the early planning stages, and they said to me "what day works for you?"  I responded "any day but the 29th; we have to be in Valpo that day for my grandma's birthday".  two weeks later, guess what day the party was?  I was PISSED.  FI LOVES his birthday, like, counts down from the day after his birthday til the next year.  His mom did a similar thing to me for his college graduation party; planned it for the weekend I was in New York having a girls weekend with my mom.  Every other weekend that summer I was in town, but she picked the ONE I was gone. 

    I hope it works out for you :-(  if not - don't stay home alone on your birthday!! go out with your girls!
  • So sorry you have to deal with this.  My initial thought is that this will be practice for how her and your birthdays may be for the rest of your marriage (or until she passes), so now might be the time to set your precedent.  If you really care about when you celebrate your birthday, then you might want to  do whatever it is that makes you happy.  If its no big deal, then go with the flow.

    I don't know if that helps.  My former MIL was a gem (still is, actually), so I cannot fathom what you're dealing with.  I wish you the best!

    And ... Happy Birthday in advance.  :)
  • Wow!! She is a serious issue that needs to be addressed!!  You and FI need to have an honest discussion and he needs to be upfront with her NOW, so she knows that you are important and she is being ridiculous!

    And, you are totally in the right to be hurt.  I would be hurt if FI went away voluntarily for my birthday.  Why can't FI drive seperately and just leave a day early.  I understand you are students and in school, but you are adults and he needs to act like it!  Even if it is toward his mom!
  • I am seriously disturbed that his mother takes away his cellphone and won't let him contact you.  What is he 12????
    "I don't want the whole world, the sun, the moon, and all their light. I just wanna be the only girl ya love all your life." -TBP
  • I know. Trust me...she knows that I have issues with how she does things. We both try really hard to pick our battles with her because if we didn't it would be never ending. 

    He's talking to her about it and telling her that he wants to be home. All they have to do is leave on the 26th instead of the 27th...not too much to ask..especially since it's the holidays and his mom doesn't work anyways.

    She treats him like he's 12..that's why they fight so much because he's not okay with it. And I'm definitely not okay with it. I just don't get how he is so normal with everything that he's been through with his family. When they're normal I love them to death but sometimes they just do things that I think are crazy!

    I think she knows that she can't push me and FI around so she's trying to guilt him into these "last times" or whatever. 

    I'll keep you ladies updated on how the whole situation turns out. I just wanted to go out to dinner with my man on my birthday! Not too much to ask :)
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  • Its an in law thing. I know its frustrating but I would talk to your FI and let him know that it is a big deal no matter what his mom says.
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