Vent (long-ish)

Karebear852k3

I guess I'm just feeling down about this whole MOH thing and what it means in the grand scheme of things.

I wanted to ask one of my BMs if she would do it, but now I'm not even sure.  This BM is Best Man's wife, and we usually see each other pretty regularly.  She was very enthusiastic when I asked her to be a BM and has always listened to all my wedding talk eagerly.  She went dress shopping with me (twice) and was there when I picked my dress and was there to take pictures etc.

But then there are issues when it comes to her and her DH/Best Man.  They got married 1 1/2 years ago (FI and I were both in her wedding - where my avatar pic comes from).  They are trying to save up to buy a house (and theoretically, that will be the place for our wedding after party lol).  Right now they live in the basement of her parent's house which is a studio/efficiency apartment.  They are somewhat of night owl/party animals, and because they live in a basement apartment where there are no windows to let in natural light and because of their natural tendencies to stay up late, on the weekends they are somewhat unreliable (they sleep until 4 or 5 in the afternoon sometimes).

Point of that background info being that this BM and I have gone dress shopping for her BM dress once, to no avail.  We've made plans to go several times since then, and everytime I get a text the morning of canceling on me (either she's hungover from partying all night Friday night into the wee-hours of the morning or she's working because her job laid off tons of people in her department underneath her and she's working on getting promoted/proving herself).

Source of my need to vent comes this week with original-MOH stepping down on me, and then now my dress coming in, in addition to wanting to have my BMs have their dress orders in soon, but this BM has not chosen a dress yet.  So when I got the call about the dress, I texted her saying "yay my dress is in...can you come with me on Saturday to see it and then we can go dress shopping for you after?" and also had the idea to ask her if she would be MOH that day.  Never heard anything back.  So the next day I sent a FB message to her, same thing (because when I sent the text originally I was in a parking garage w/o service, so it got bounced back to me, then resent it so I think it went through the 2nd time), no response aka feeling blown off again and not even sure if she would want to do it and if I was just going to get a no...

So I guess I'm just feeling a little down about the whole thing, like I don't know if there's anyone I can rely on.  I don't have really any family and no MOH (and even my "best friend"/ex MOH and I have been growing apart I feel like) and I'm close with my other BMs, but one is in Chicago now and the other is typically busy with her own life and we don't see each other too much, and then FI's 11 year old sister...So now I've got thoughts of "who is going to throw me a shower or bachelorette party" and really sad thoughts of not even having a MOH or those things at all.  I know they're not important in the grand scheme of things, but you only get married once (ideally lol) and I am starting to feel like this whole thing is going to be a big failure.  Like how would I even explain "oh I don't think I'm having a shower" or "I don't have a MOH"...*sigh* I feel like I'm in middle school all over again, like that scenario of "your best friend telling you she doesn't want to be your friend anymore and you don't know who you're going to sit with at lunch..."

If you made it this far, thanks for listening...

smore154

I am so sorry you feel like this and all this is happening to you. Cheer up! I know I've felt like this at times in my life.

I would just let things go right now and give yourself some time to just reflect on what's really important. I'm sure your BM's love you and will throw you a shower/bachelorette. I don't have a MOH, but I feel like I have a BM who naturally just stepped up and get's everyone going. My brothers are my "men of honor" so I never expected them to do "MOH duties", so don't feel left out!

The way you describe this girl, it sounds like all of the sudden she isn't interested in this as much anymore- for whatever reason, and you may just be asking her to be the MOH because you feel you need one- when you don't.

I think as people grow up somehow a lot of your friendships just naturally weaken. As for her always cancelling on dress shopping, If that was me, I'd probably just give her a call and explain to her how important it is that you keep your planned time to go shopping, and pick one out. Talking with her on the phone or in person I'm sure will help your worries a lot!

kate212

I'm sorry you're going through this. My advice would be to not have a designated MOH at all. Being a MOH is work- extra work. If you are MOH for a very close friend or sibling, it's totally worth it and you generally feel "honored" to fill that role. However, if it's clearly by default (the orginal MOH dropped out) I don't think it would be a very fun job. If she knows the situation, then she'll probably feel like you just needed someone to fill the role and do the work involved. Also, the fact that she wasn't the orginal pick and you're disappointment in that might not make her feel too good about it. 

My MOH is my younger sister. She has a very busy life and lives about 2 1/2 hours away. She's also not the most reliable or responsible person. But she's my only sister and I really wanted her to be my MOH. My mom knows all of this and will probably be doing most of the major planning (shower, etc). Is there any way your mom can step up and help with that big stuff? The bachelorette can be as easy as a night out and can basically be planned by anyone in your wedding party. 

I hope it works out for you! 

cac847

Unfortunately growing apart from friends is an inevitable part of life, but since you're in the process of planning the wedding it's putting a spotlight on the growing rift and making it feel worse than it would at another time. I agree with pp not to ask someone else just for the sake of having a MOH. I hope your BM stops being a flake and gets her dress, but if she doesn't your wedding will still be amazing. As for having to explain not having a MOH/shower/whatever... you don't owe anyone an explanation. If they give a hard time, tell them to shove it. Personally I hate going to showers and I know a lot of other girls who do too so I think it's actually a good thing not to have one.