FMIL issues...(kinda long)

estegeman

So, last night my FI and his parents went to try out a restaurant where we are having our rehearsal dinner.  During dinner my FMIL (who I have always gotten along with very well) asked me something that irritated me.  Please tell me if I am being a bridezilla for getting annoyed...The first thing was that there happen to be 2 people in the family with birthdays in the month of January, however not on the same day as our wedding.  The birthdays are 2 weeks before the wedding.   My FI's great aunt is turning 80 and his father is turning 60.  So, she wants to get a birthday cake and have the DJ do a big birthday announcement for them.  I just think this is strange to do at a wedding.  Have you ever been to a wedding where they acknowledged birthdays with a cake and everything??  But I mean what was I supposed to say?  So of course I said it was alright, eventhough I found it kind of strange.  

Second issue...after dinner we went back to their house and she had bought her dress she is wearing to the wedding that day and wanted to show it to me.  I was so excited to see it.  She has been saying all along that she wanted a maroon colored dress and I thought that color would look beautiful on her especially for January.  So she pulls out the dress and the top is stark WHITE and the skirt is black.  I mean is this innapropriate for the FMIL to wear to a wedding!?!  The biggest issue I have is that I ordered my dress in ivory because it looks way better on my skin tone than the white.  So now when I am standing next to her in my gown hers will be whiter!  WTH!!!  I just feel that I should not have to deal with this.  Why the hell didnt she just get the maroon color she has been talking about all along?  How did the sales person sell her this dress knowing it was for a wedding!  AGH...I am just very flustered about it...

christikao

My brother's birthday is the same day as our wedding (it was the only available date)so we had an ice cream cake and special announcement for him before the garter/bouquet toss. I think if the birthdays are not within a couple days of the wedding it's kind of strange to do all that. I would of politely decline due to tight timeline of the reception. 

As far as her dress, it's a sticky situation since you can't really dictate what she can or can not wear. On a positive note, at least it's not all white. Don't worry about the pictures since majority of your pictures will not include her. 

estegeman

Yeah, I called the dress shop and explained my concerns.  Apparently "they sell white dresses to mother's of the bride/groom all the time and have never had an issue with it."   When she goes in for her fitting they are going to suggest a black shawl coverup.  Since the wedding is in January, she will need some sort of a jacket anyway.

whitneyf1

I don't really think the birthday thing is appropriate in this case. The birthdays are not close enough to warrant a celebration at your wedding. We were in Mexico for my  FI's sisters wedding and his birthday was the day before the wedding and they didn't have any mention of it at the wedding. I just think it is kind of inappropriate for her to suggest it - if it was something you wanted to do on your own then I think it would be fine and up to you. I just don't think its right that she is suggesting it.

banana468

The birthday thing is odd to me since the birthdays aren't ON your wedding day.  I've seen acknowledgments made but it's when someone in the family has a birthday on that wedding date.  Doing a separate cake really seems overkill IMO.  Plus, we're talking about grown adults here.  Can't they celebrate their birthdays on a different date?

The dress thing wouldn't bother me since it's not a stark white dress but a two toned dress.     The top will take up less space than the skirt and it's not like it has a train right?  Think about it this way - the men are wearing white shirts too aren't they?

And if it gets back to your MIL that you called the shop, I'd apologize.  I think you ventured outside the bounds of appropriateness to call them and tell them that you had concerns.  That crosses a line IMO.

amymaysa

I agree with PPs that the birthday thing is a little weird since its weeks before not days. We are planning on suprising my parents, who's anniversary will be three days after our wedding, with their wedding song and a special annoucement. With that, I feel within 3 days is okay, plus they are helping out so much, its another nice gesture.
For the dress, I think I would need to see it. While I totally get the bride should be the only one in white..how far does that go. A guest wearing an all ivory or white dress, NO. A guest wearing a dress with some white, i think I would be okay with. Plus, you know everyone will notice you in pics, not her

dannie134

I'm pretty much with everyone else here.  I think the birthday thing is a bit strange, I would bring it up again and say something like "Hey FMIL, I know you want to be able to celebrate the milestone birthdays happening around our wedding date, but is there another way to do it (like a separate party or some other option?)  While I know they are big birthdays, we really don't have time at our reception to do a whole separate cake cutting, and think it would be appropriate to keep those things separate from our wedding celebration."

The dress I don't think would bother me.  No one will mistake her for the bride, the whole dress isn't even white.  I know it's an etiquette rule not to wear white to a wedding, but I don't think it's worth getting too worked up about.  I'm guessing she liked how the dress looked on her and didn't think it was a big deal.  Your wedding will still be beautiful!

mermaidutp

I agree - the birthday thing is kind of odd.  If she really wants to do this - what about doing it at the rehearsal dinner instead of the wedding.

The dress - it's not a solid white dress - it's a black and white dress.  I think if she's happy with and comfortable in the dress, that you should leave it alone.  Plus, why would anyone care that her dress is whiter than yours? You're clearly the bride, noone is going to think otherwise.

estegeman

Thanks for all of your feedback.  My FI and I are going to see if we can do something for the birthdays at the Rehearsal Dinner instead of the actual wedding reception.  I agree with pp that it would be much more appropriate at the Rehearsal dinner. 

As for the dress, I really just didnt want her to look silly to other guests.  She is not the type of person to ever do something like that for attention or to deliberately hurt me.  She rarely dresses up (if ever) and it was a really big deal that she was excited about the dress and I didnt want to ruin that for her.  She really probably has no idea that you shouldnt wear white to a wedding unless you are the bride.  Sorry, I didnt explain this earlier, but that is the reason I called the dress shop... To explain to them that they might want to at least ask the mother purchasing the dress if she thinks the bride would have an issue with the white top and to ask what shade is the bride's gown. 

 I think I was just shocked that she didnt get the maroon color she has been talking about for months.  I realize that it is not as big of a deal that I initially thought it was.  Sometimes we just get too wrapped up in the little things and forget to see the bigger picture.  So, thanks girls for all the feedback and honest opinions!  I relly appreciate it.  What is it about being a bride that can make you go mental at times!? lol

megbrooks2011

I'm a little late to this one and it sounds like you are feeling better about everything, but if it helps at all my girls actually all had white tops and I think it looked great with my dress.  As for her top being white and your dress being ivory, the MOG usually stands next to the groom in pictures, not the bride, so there shouldn't be any white next to ivory in your pictures.

kallen1002

Last year my cousins got married on my birthday and they had the DJ and everyone at the wedding sing to me. I was little embarrased but it was nice to have the acknowledgement. I dont think I would do a special cake for them thought. As for your FMIL I would also be upset if she was wearing white to my wedding. She should have gotten a color of some sort to wear.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_connecticut_fmil-issueskinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:65Discussion:6247bd64-0fd6-4f3d-8fa4-747b49d73e70Post:b958caea-7c5c-4768-909d-300ea059da19">Re: FMIL issues...(kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Last year my cousins got married on my birthday and they had the DJ and everyone at the wedding sing to me. I was little embarrased but it was nice to have the acknowledgement. I dont think I would do a special cake for them thought. As for your FMIL I would also be upset if she was wearing white to my wedding<strong>. She should have gotten a color of some sort to wear.
</strong>Posted by kallen1002[/QUOTE]

Please don't actually do this.  You can certainly give the moms your colors but to say, "You should wear this color," is really rude to them.   They don't really need to coordinate with anything.  They just need to look nice and they shouldn't upstage their children. 

BeabullMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_connecticut_fmil-issueskinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:65Discussion:6247bd64-0fd6-4f3d-8fa4-747b49d73e70Post:614bca88-6bef-443f-b47e-b9b925dea7f6">Re: FMIL issues...(kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL issues...(kinda long) : Please don't actually do this.  You can certainly give the moms your colors but to say, "You should wear this color," is really rude to them.   They don't really need to coordinate with anything.  They just need to look nice and they shouldn't upstage their children. 
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

That's not what I think she meant.  I think the PP meant that she should have worn a color instead of white (since white is typically saved for the bride), not that she should have been asked to wear a particular color.  But then, I could be reading it wrong...


OP-I think the birthday thing is overkill.  It's not the same day, so I see no reason to do anything.  I like your idea about the rehearsal dinner.  It will probably satisfy your FMIL.

heather0711

The birthday thing is completely ridiculous and you're a better person than me because I wouldn't have been able to not laugh and ask if she was joking. 

As for the dress, I feel like it's just a "rule" of weddings that no one...not MOB, MOG, Grandma, Great Aunt, ANYONE to wear any shade of white to a wedding...EVER. I personally would find it rude if FMIL came up with anything white...however we have our own issues and honestly so long as she's not showing up in a potato sack, I probably won't be all that picky. But there will be no white. 

banana468

Beabull, you're probably right.

I think I interpreted it that way because I know brides who have said, "Mom you'll wear THIS color," and then the poor woman goes, "I can't stand that color!  How am I going to find something I like in it?"

And as long as the dress isn't  head to toe white it shouldn't be an issue.

Even if it IS head to toe white it's an issue where the mom is going to look silly but the bride should still never say anything.  That really ventures into the control-freak 'zilla territory.

runtome

Yeah, on the Black and white dress, I have figure flaws and that type of dress looks better on me. She should wear what makes her feel good. Black and white is very popular right now. I can't imagine anyone noticing it really. I really cherish my relationship with my inlaws so I'd let it slide she will not be standing next to you really except for maybe a family photo right?  And there is a good chance many other guests will be wearing a simlair combo since it is in the stores.

kls114

I think the bday thing is a little over the top...the RD mention/cake is perfect!

As for the dress...I think that now it seems to be a big deal and annoying but in the end if she feels comfortable and dressy for the day then she should go for it!  You are not even going to think twice about it the day of and in pics with flowers and everything else going on in the pics (other people & colors) you won't even look twice.

HTH & GL!

estegeman

Thanks for all the responses ladies!!    I can always count on you!