Please help me in regards to Catholic Ceremony

FutureMrsLevitsky

Ok quick background my FI is catholic as well as his family but they aren't the type of catholics that go to church religiously or even practice the religion all that much. His twin brother was married in a church and had his daughter christened because not only was he catholic but so is his wife. I am not catholic and don't go to church much less practice any religion any more. When I was younger my family and I went to a Non Denomination Christian church.

Here lies my problem. Out of the blue my FMIL dropped it on us that she wants us to have a catholic ceremony preferably in a church.. I don't want to get married in a church personally but not only that, a catholic ceremony won't make my mom all that happy.. I'm trying to compromise and make both parties happy but at the same time this is a BIG thing to compromise for.. My FI doesn't want to get married in a church either and up until this point didn't realize his mom would put up such a stink about it. ... Can anyone help me with finding someone from the catholic church that will go to our venue and marry us in the eyes of the catholic church? I am lost as to where to even start to look let alone how to go about it.

HELP! Please and thank you!!!!

rswan412

As far as I know, Catholic priests only perform ceremonies in churches...but I could be wrong about that.

If you wanted to get married in a Catholic church, you would have to be baptized and join the church, and practice the religion, at least thats the way it works in Catholic Churches in my community.

FI and I compromised on a ceremony in a congregational church. I have some conservative Catholics in my family, we are both Catholic, but neither of us practice the religion or attend a Catholic church. We decided that a congregational church was a good compromise- still in "the eyes of god" if you will, yet not a full blown catholic ceremony. Reverends will travel and marry you also, opposed to priests.

It's your wedding, your life- do what makes you and FI happy

Mandafly84

If you're not Catholic, you can't get married in the Catholic church.  There might be some exceptions to that, depending on the parish you approach, but generally speaking, the church will want both of you to be Catholic.  I'm getting married in a Catholic church but FI had to convert (he wasn't any religion) and get baptised before the priest would allow it.

Also, to be married in the eyes of the Catholic church, you must be married in the church.  That's a rule they don't budge on.  No outdoor or "on location" ceremonies.  Church only.

If you don't want to get married in the church, and your FI doesn't want to get married in the church, and your mom won't be terribly thrilled with it, then just don't do it.

FutureMrsLevitsky

Would a reverand still be marrying us in the "eyes of the church..?"  doesn't necessarily need to be a priest just needs to be someone that will allow us to be married in the eyes of the church and down the road she wants our kids to be baptised....

I want to keep it "our" wedding without making my FMIL hate me in the process... lol..

FutureMrsLevitsky

Thank you Manda

rswan412

It wouldn't be in the eyes of the catholic church, but there would still be a religious aspect to it. I think you need to find out what FMIL is upset about- does she just not want a Justice of the Peace? Your kids can get baptised in a different church still if you don't get married in a church- but not in the catholic church.

My parents got married in a congregational church, but couldn't get me baptised in the Catholic church because they weren't married in the church- so they got "remarried" in the catholic church and then the priest allowed them to baptize me.

daniellelmilczak

I agree with the PPs - you won't be able to get married by a catholic priest outside of a catholic church.

Also, I personally think a wedding is a big "statement" - if you and your FI aren't catholic and don't want a catholic wedding, then don't do it. You're big boys and girls, your FMIL had HER chance to get married in the church, now its your turn to make your own decisions and have this day YOUR way. I feel like if you start off a marriage waffling to other people's wishes, it's not a good start.

banana468

Honestly, as a Catholic I find what your FMIL is asking to be very insulting.  You don't want to BE Catholic but you want to do this to please her?  On paper that seems all fine and dandy until you realize what you're actually doing by marrying in the Church.  It's not just a ceremony to make her happy.  There is huge meaning and responsibility to taking vows within the Church.

You don't both need to be Catholic BTW although it is preferred.  I think you and your FI need to have a serious talk about how you intend to live as husband and wife and if you want your children to be raised in the Catholic Church.  This isn't as simple as saying, "Oh we're going to have our children Baptised."   It's about raising them to be Catholic and for you two (or at least one of you) to be living as Catholics as well.

And if you can't both be on board to do that then I suggest having the grown up discussion with FMIL that marrying in the Church just isn't what fits the two of you.  She'll probably be upset over it but IMO, she's completely out of line to force you into doing something that you have no intention of actually fulfilling.

FutureMrsLevitsky

Thats exactly my problem. I asked my FI straight out do you want to live our married lives as Catholics? His reply was No. We would merely be having the the ceremony to please her and merely getting our kids baptised to please her. I feel like a hypocrite if I actually went through with all of that. I have nothing against the Catholic religion, I'm just not interested in living my life that way.

Guess it's time to have a very uncomfortable sit down with my FMIL and see where it goes...

Thank you ladies you really helped me!!!

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_connecticut_please-regards-catholic-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:65Discussion:a79ef76c-8f1d-49fc-9b82-ec6b307c7f1ePost:e720f85f-1bb8-4907-a985-43f849032a5e">Re: Please help me in regards to Catholic Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Thats exactly my problem. I asked my FI straight out do you want to live our married lives as Catholics? His reply was No. We would merely be having the the ceremony to please her and merely getting our kids baptised to please her. I feel like a hypocrite if I actually went through with all of that. I have nothing against the Catholic religion, I'm just not interested in living my life that way. Guess it's time to have a very uncomfortable sit down with my FMIL and see where it goes... Thank you ladies you really helped me!!!
Posted by FutureMrsLevitsky[/QUOTE]

Honestly, all you'd need to do is tell the Priest that's why you two would "want" to be married in the Church and he'd turn you down flat.  And if he didn't, he probably should be reported.

I can't blame you for not wanting the discussion but it sounds like she's doing a lot based on her desires and not based on reality.

phoenix307

Your situation sounds exactly like mine to a T! I had the same issue and refused to do any "counseling" or the such in order for a priest to come out to marry us - which is the case. If you can get a priest to come out to marry you, you must still do all the classes ,etc required by the church!

We ended up finding the perfect compromise. We found a pastor who is marrying us "in the eyes of the church" and doing a blessing and all that so it is recognized by God but does not require any classes, etc although they do offer it if you want. They personalize the ceremony to your likings exactly and even give you options of wording to choose from and all that and give you a copy for approval before the big day.

Its worth a shot to check it out! Heres the link   http://www.weddingministerct.com/

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

FutureMrsLevitsky

thank you so much! you are a life saver

skarupak

Just to clarify the poster above, even having a "pastor" (aka not a priest) marry you does not make your marriage occur "in the eyes of the Church". In the eyes of God, perhaps. But a marriage sanctioned and recognized by the Catholic Church has to take place in the Church and be performed by a Catholic priest (not by an ordained, non-denominational pastor or by a JOP that incorporates spirituality into your ceremony).

kls114

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_connecticut_please-regards-catholic-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:65Discussion:a79ef76c-8f1d-49fc-9b82-ec6b307c7f1ePost:39ba894d-24a4-49f6-a21b-73b6379bab24">Re: Please help me in regards to Catholic Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, as a Catholic I find what your FMIL is asking to be very insulting.  You don't want to BE Catholic but you want to do this to please her?  On paper that seems all fine and dandy until you realize what you're actually doing by marrying in the Church.  It's not just a ceremony to make her happy.  There is huge meaning and responsibility to taking vows within the Church. You don't both need to be Catholic BTW although it is preferred.  I think you and your FI need to have a serious talk about how you intend to live as husband and wife and if you want your children to be raised in the Catholic Church.  This isn't as simple as saying, "Oh we're going to have our children Baptised."   It's about raising them to be Catholic and for you two (or at least one of you) to be living as Catholics as well. And if you can't both be on board to do that then I suggest having the grown up discussion with FMIL that marrying in the Church just isn't what fits the two of you.  She'll probably be upset over it but IMO, she's completely out of line to force you into doing something that you have no intention of actually fulfilling.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Ditto to this.

I would just sit down with her & explain how you TWO feel. The fact that you two are not going to be practicing Catholics or raise your children to be Catholics I say you should not get married in the Catholic Church---period. That alone should tell you & your FMIL what to do.

Hope all the girls advice helps & GL!

Mandafly84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_connecticut_please-regards-catholic-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:65Discussion:a79ef76c-8f1d-49fc-9b82-ec6b307c7f1ePost:afd58dd8-9d0a-46c5-877f-1f7b73395faf">Re: Please help me in regards to Catholic Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Your situation sounds exactly like mine to a T!<strong> I had the same issue and refused to do any "counseling" or the such</strong> in order for a priest to come out to marry us - which is the case. If you can get a priest to come out to marry you, you must still do all the classes ,etc required by the church! We ended up finding the perfect compromise. We found a pastor who is marrying us "in the eyes of the church" and doing a blessing and all that so it is recognized by God but does not require any classes, etc although they do offer it if you want. They personalize the ceremony to your likings exactly and even give you options of wording to choose from and all that and give you a copy for approval before the big day. Its worth a shot to check it out! Heres the link    <a href="http://www.weddingministerct.com/" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingministerct.com/</a> Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
Posted by phoenix307[/QUOTE]

<div>FWIW, FI and I have LOVED the "counseling" (called pre-cana for those marrying Catholic).  It's been a wonderful time of bonding and learning and guided conversation about how our marriage will work.  We had a wonderful relationship to start with, but pre-cana has brought us closer than I anticpated.  Don't underestimate the power or importance of pre-marital counseling.</div>

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_connecticut_please-regards-catholic-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:65Discussion:a79ef76c-8f1d-49fc-9b82-ec6b307c7f1ePost:afd58dd8-9d0a-46c5-877f-1f7b73395faf">Re: Please help me in regards to Catholic Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Your situation sounds exactly like mine to a T! I had the same issue and refused to do any "counseling" or the such in order for a priest to come out to marry us - which is the case. If you can get a priest to come out to marry you, you must still do all the classes ,etc required by the church! We ended up finding the perfect compromise. We found a pastor who is marrying us "in the eyes of the church" and doing a blessing and all that so it is recognized by God but does not require any classes, etc although they do offer it if you want. They personalize the ceremony to your likings exactly and even give you options of wording to choose from and all that and give you a copy for approval before the big day. Its worth a shot to check it out! Heres the link    <a href="http://www.weddingministerct.com/" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingministerct.com/</a> Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
Posted by phoenix307[/QUOTE]

But this won't be recognized as a CATHOLIC union.  The website itself states that they're nondenominational.  That means that the couple's union may be recognized in some Christian denominations but not in a Catholic Church.  That doesn't really give the FMIL what she wants - not that I think they should have a ceremony to please her anyway.   The way you worded things it sounds like this solution pleases everyone and it's likely not to at all.  That said, if the OP is wanting some aspects of Christianity in her ceremony, this could be the stand she and her FI take as a way of saying that while they don't have the same beliefs as the FMIL, they do share some.

FutureMrsLevitsky

Situation has been resolved!! With the help of all you ladies I used some very valid defenses you guys brought up and we sat down with my FMIL. We made it very clear where we stood and how we felt about it. She calmed down from our last conversation and gave us her blessing to do whatever we would like. She saw it from our perspective and realized how hypocritical she was being about what she wanted. So we have gone with a Catholic priest at an outdoor ceremony that will bless us. BUT we don't have to do it in a church or have a full Catholic ceremony. We found one who is available for our date which is even better. Thank you ladies so much!!!